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To be honest, it sounds like he either just doesn't want to get married in general or he doesn't want to marry you specifically. I was with my ex for 3 years and I wanted to get married - he kept dragging his feet. We finally got engaged but the whole time I felt like he was so scared that I could barely talk to him about the wedding. With my husband, he wanted to marry me. He brought up wanting to marry me all the time - it wasn't just me. He proposed after 2 years and I never needed to pressure him because he wanted the same thing that I wanted.
And that's totally okay. But I know I couldn't be with someone with these believes.
And that's fine too. If you've envisioned your future as including marriage, you need to have a discussion with your boyfriend. Not an ultimatum, but "this is what I want eventually, and if it's not what you want then we need to decide what to do." If he dismisses you and drags his feet and won't talk about it, maybe that's your answer.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 07-30-2015 at 11:01 AM..
OP you sound completely reasonable, but let me just ask you, if you were to answer for your BF, what is the worst part about your relationship?
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Speaking from a guy's perspective, that would be a real turn off... a sure fire way to get me to NOT do something is to nag me about it...
Renew your visa, if it don't work out, move back. Don't hold it over his head, he will resent you for it.
So, if it's really important to her to get married - what is she supposed to do? I don't see how making your needs and wants known is nagging. If she has needs that aren't getting met - she needs to communicate them. If you see someone letting their needs and wants be known as nagging - then how can you really have a healthy relationship?
After 3 years, he either wants it or he doesn't. If you hadn't talked about it, that would be one thing; but you said you had a conversation earlier this year and still nothing. He knows what you want but it's not important enough for him to act on.
I would have a come to Jesus talk with him and tell him about your visa renewal. No ultimatum, just honesty.
So, if it's really important to her to get married - what is she supposed to do? I don't see how making your needs and wants known is nagging. If she has needs that aren't getting met - she needs to communicate them. If you see someone letting their needs and wants be known as nagging - then how can you really have a healthy relationship?
OP said she has brought it up in the past. It's not like he has forgotten that. She has communicated it on SEVERAL occasions. Continuing to bring it up is the definition of nagging in my book.
Why the artificial clock, why the hurry to get married?
If ultimately it's that important, I guess it's the OP's choice, but to approach it as an ultimatum is the wrong approach IMHO. It would rub me the wrong way.
OP said she has brought it up in the past. It's not like he has forgotten that. She has communicated it on SEVERAL occasions. Continuing to bring it up is the definition of nagging in my book.
Why the artificial clock, why the hurry to get married?
If ultimately it's that important, I guess it's the OP's choice, but to approach it as an ultimatum is the wrong approach IMHO. It would rub me the wrong way.
I have a feeling the OP's boyfriend might share your feelings - which is why I ultimately think she is probably with the wrong guy.
She's talking about a deadline to give up on her relationship and go back to her home country. In her situation, I think that's practical.
Exactly.
If it becomes apparent that your wants are very different (which sounds likely), this isn't an unreasonable stance to take in a situation where you have to pay to renew a visa to even stay in the same place as your SO.
There is no reason to stay with somebody where the outcomes that you each want for yourselves/the relationship are different. You don't need to apologize for wanting something that the other person doesn't.
At three years in, he knows what he wants/doesn't want.
Speaking from a guy's perspective, that would be a real turn off... a sure fire way to get me to NOT do something is to nag me about it...
Renew your visa, if it don't work out, move back. Don't hold it over his head, he will resent you for it.
Nagging? Where have I been nagging? I haven't even MENTIONED marriage in six months.
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