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I'd really appreciate advice. I've been with my bf for three years, we just celebrated our third anniversary a few days ago. I was hoping for a proposal, but it didn't come. We were oj a romantic holiday so it would have been perfect, but well. It was an amazing trip anyway and I didn't show my disappointment at all. We have been talking about marriage a few times in the relationship. I wad never the kind of person who brought the topic up a lot, but this past February we had a few fights about it because he didn't even want to give me a timeline and just kept saying that he doesn't want to get married yet. Finally he told me that we will get married at some point and that we can get engaged in 'a couple of months'. Ever since I've not mentioned marriage or wedding stuff, not even once, for the past almost six months. I didn't want him to feel pressured, and I don't really believe in ultimatums. I guess I was just hoping he would bring up the topic himself at some point, but nothing, not even one word.
Important- He is 31, I'm 28, so it's not like we're two college kids too young to get married. He has been working in his job for the past 7 years, and got a major position in his company last October. I've also been working for a couple of years, both of us are financially independent. We've also been living together for the past two years and everything is great. He shows me his love a lot, and he loves being with me. But I really start wondering where this is going. He knows marriage is important to me, and he knows I don't wanna be the eternal girlfriend. I told him six months ago it would be nice to get married in summer 2016 (at that point we'll hit the 4 year mark) but he didn't really say anything to it. He also knows I don't expect a fancy ring or an expensive wedding, I was never that type of girls. So I really start wondering what the problem is.
In my mind I've set myself some own kind of deadline, which is November this year, which would be almost 3.5 years of relationship. I'm not sure though if I'll really be sble to walk away then. I'd never tell him the deadline because the lst thing I want is a forced proposal. I just don't see myself waiting years and years for him to be ready, even though I'm absolutely crazy about him. He's over 30 and we've been together for three years, shouldnt that be enough to know if he wants to marry me?
Plus, we live in his country together, i moved here for him two years ago. Maybe I shouldnt have moved without a proposal, but it's too late for that now. I have to renew my visa here once a year, and it's an expensive and time consuming process. If we got married, this wouldn't be a problrm anymore. I just feel like after all this time and after me living here for him I should have a clear future with or without him ahead.
What would you do in my shoes? Should I walk away by the end of my deadline? Am I expecting too much and give him more time?
What I would find as most concerning in your situation is the fact that after 3 years, two of which living together, your boyfriend is just dodging the topic of engagement and marriage and telling you what he thinks you need to hear to string you along that he will, at some point, marry you.
This is not a good sign for the ability to communicate and work together for a couple planning marriage. He is more or less avoiding it by stringing you along.
I think at this point you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. No, do not give him an ultimatum (We are engaged by X or I am gone), but you do need to be sure your true feelings are known. That marriage is important to you, and that you feel your relationship is at the stage where the two of you should be making positive steps towards it (planning out engagement timeframe, marriage timeframe, potential dates, etc).
When my wife and I were discussing the possibility of getting engaged, we were not sitting around wondering what the other spouse felt, or when they might propose, etc. My actual proposal, although planned out to be fun and romantic, was more of a formality by the time it happened because we are communicating about it.
If he truly wants to marry you, he should be able to work with you on more specific plans and timeframes, and not just dismiss it as he has been doing, or give good reasoning why he feels a little more time would be appropriate. (Job concerns, etc). If he continues to just be dismissive about it, but leave it as a carrot to string you along, I would begin to think he had no intentions of marrying me and was just giving empty promises about it to keep me around.
I'm not sure how you can put a "deadline" on getting engaged; if it's going to happen at all, it should happen organically, not because of arbitrary deadline.
Tell him you love him, but you need to move forward or you cannot stay in this relationship.
If he is inclined to continue the relationship, he will.
If he does propose, tell him you want to set a date right away. If you're engaged more than a month or two without setting a date that you both feel good about, then it's done.
People get weird about the idea of what they perceive as an ultimatum.
I see this approach as being direct. You've told him what you feel you need. If he is unable or unwilling to do it, you have your answer.
It's better than waiting several months, quietly hoping for a proposal, then leaving if he doesn't surprise you with one.
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I'm not sure how you can put a "deadline" on getting engaged; if it's going to happen at all, it should happen organically, not because of arbitrary deadline.
I agree with not setting specific deadlines. Those are true ultimatums.
I really do think that letting your partner know that you need more is the best approach.
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In my experience, a man who wants to get married will push things along, not drag his feet.
At this point, even if he reluctantly proposes to you, your feelings about him will forever be tainted by the fact that in three years, he didn't want you enough to marry you.
Trust me on this. I was with my first husband for 4 years before he reluctantly proposed. We were married for 9 years after that, and through that entire time, I couldn't get it out of my head that he didn't really want me enough to marry me, he just did it because he was getting pressure from his parents.
My second husband proposed to me after we had known each other for a month. I had no doubt whatsoever that this man wanted me, right now and for good. We've been married for 24 years now, and although we've had the normal ups and downs, I have never had that nagging doubt about whether I was really the one he wanted, or if he just settled or gave in to my nagging.
BTW, for any single women reading this, I would sincerely recommend NOT moving in together if you want to marry the man at some point. Living together kills the romance--I don't know why, but it does.
This sounds like a basic lack of communication. If you don't want to bring up a topic that is obviously extremely important to you, you need to ask yourself why, and you need to find out why he isn't on board with it.
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