Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 07-31-2015, 08:23 AM
 
1,615 posts, read 1,635,361 times
Reputation: 2714

Advertisements

No confessions. Your life will never be the same and will be thrown in your face with any disagreement. You need to talk about why he is neglectful towards meeting your needs as that sounds like an ongoing problem.

 
Old 07-31-2015, 08:49 AM
 
Location: NY
9,131 posts, read 19,944,891 times
Reputation: 11706
Quote:
Originally Posted by luv my dayton View Post
No confessions. Your life will never be the same and will be thrown in your face with any disagreement. You need to talk about why he is neglectful towards meeting your needs as that sounds like an ongoing problem.
That should have happened well before cheating.
 
Old 07-31-2015, 08:53 AM
 
Location: City Data Land
17,156 posts, read 12,912,897 times
Reputation: 33164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bayarea4 View Post
I'm not judging you either, but I would respectfully disagree with Blondie's advance. Do not confess. This may ease your guilty conscience but will accomplish nothing else except to cause your husband pain. As it says in the Bible, "Go and sin no more." Then try to fix whatever may be wrong with your marriage that caused you to cheat in the first place. If you tell him anything, just say that you've been feeling neglected and unwanted lately. Good luck to you, and thank you for being so honest.
I agree. Don't confess. That is actually a selfish move on your part because it only serves to make you feel better and hurt your husband. Then he won't trust you and either divorce you or not trust you at least for a long time and feel he has to monitor your every move. Instead, tell him why you feel neglected and see if there is way for you to work this out together. And whatever you do, stop seeing this other person. It will only make things worse. Be sure you have things to do. If you don't work, getting a job will be very helpful because it will keep your mind and body occupied. Good luck to you.
 
Old 07-31-2015, 08:57 AM
 
150 posts, read 171,541 times
Reputation: 305
Should have had the balls to talk to your husband about your relationship issues first.

Guess what, you're double screwed now no matter what you do...
 
Old 07-31-2015, 09:11 AM
 
Location: Woodinville
3,184 posts, read 4,835,496 times
Reputation: 6283
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flattoop View Post
I know it's wrong but
There is no 'but'. It was wrong, and it's your fault. Just because you felt neglected, ignored, whatever doesn't justify or lessen the cheating in any way.

You need to first realize that it was your choice, NO BUTS, then come clean. It could very well end your marriage, but he needs to know. Take responsibility for your actions. The only right thing now is to confess and let him decide how to proceed.
 
Old 07-31-2015, 09:15 AM
 
Location: NY
9,131 posts, read 19,944,891 times
Reputation: 11706
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
I agree. Don't confess. That is actually a selfish move on your part because it only serves to make you feel better and hurt your husband. Then he won't trust you and either divorce you or not trust you at least for a long time and feel he has to monitor your every move. Instead, tell him why you feel neglected and see if there is way for you to work this out together. And whatever you do, stop seeing this other person. It will only make things worse. Be sure you have things to do. If you don't work, getting a job will be very helpful because it will keep your mind and body occupied. Good luck to you.
He shouldn't. She cheated. If her feelings of being neglected could not be worked out already to the point she is out cheating... and not just as an accident but as something she did because she felt neglected and felt justified in doing, then they are likely beyond working things out.

Either way, if she truly was motivated to rebuild the relationship, using buried secrets as the foundation is not a good way to go either. If it worked out, the result would be built on a lie that should it come to light, it would not go well.
 
Old 07-31-2015, 09:26 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,707 posts, read 19,880,600 times
Reputation: 43041
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
I agree. Don't confess. That is actually a selfish move on your part because it only serves to make you feel better and hurt your husband. Then he won't trust you and either divorce you or not trust you at least for a long time and feel he has to monitor your every move. Instead, tell him why you feel neglected and see if there is way for you to work this out together. And whatever you do, stop seeing this other person. It will only make things worse. Be sure you have things to do. If you don't work, getting a job will be very helpful because it will keep your mind and body occupied. Good luck to you.
I agree with this one. But only if you are certain your husband will never run into that person or find out through anyone.

If you deeply regret what you did and never do it again, why hurt your husband with your confession? It doesn't make anything better, just worse.

And even though I understand the neglect part - talk to your husband, go to counseling or whatever, but don't cheat.
 
Old 07-31-2015, 09:37 AM
 
2,135 posts, read 5,480,684 times
Reputation: 3146
Of course the perfect world of city data no one cheats, has ever cheated, has thoughts of cheating, nor will ever cheat and anyone who does these things is the total scum of the earth. Now that we are talking about the real world, where people actually have problems like this and occasionally make mistakes we can deal with your issue. Do NOT, I repeat again, do NOT tell him. Nothing good can come of this, just don't effing do it. What you SHOULD do is try to engage your husband again, make him feel wanted so he wants you, etc. Now if all he does is play video games and grow his neckbeard and ignore you, and the writing is pretty much on the wall, then its a different issue. But to reiterate, you are NOT the scum of the earth, and despite what city data thinks, people DO make mistakes and your marriage CAN recover. Best of luck to you, and ignore 85% of the advice and slander in this thread.
 
Old 07-31-2015, 09:53 AM
 
Location: Woodinville
3,184 posts, read 4,835,496 times
Reputation: 6283
Quote:
Originally Posted by YaFace View Post
Of course the perfect world of city data no one cheats, has ever cheated, has thoughts of cheating, nor will ever cheat and anyone who does these things is the total scum of the earth. Now that we are talking about the real world, where people actually have problems like this and occasionally make mistakes we can deal with your issue. Do NOT, I repeat again, do NOT tell him. Nothing good can come of this, just don't effing do it. What you SHOULD do is try to engage your husband again, make him feel wanted so he wants you, etc. Now if all he does is play video games and grow his neckbeard and ignore you, and the writing is pretty much on the wall, then its a different issue. But to reiterate, you are NOT the scum of the earth, and despite what city data thinks, people DO make mistakes and your marriage CAN recover. Best of luck to you, and ignore 85% of the advice and slander in this thread.
Cheating is beyond the realm of forgiveability for many. Most, even. Regardless of the problems in the marriage (barring extreme circumstances), it is a conscious choice that too many people try to blame on other things. Cheating is low, but it does not make one the "scum of the Earth." Choosing to cheat comes with the caveat that the cheater must be prepared to end their marriage/relationship.

Just because it is a misguided choice doesn't mean they deserve forgiveness. For many people, it is not given.
 
Old 07-31-2015, 10:00 AM
 
6,129 posts, read 6,791,829 times
Reputation: 10821
You did what you did, and you have to own it. Marriages are never going to be happy all the time. There will always be periods where one partner or the other is not getting everything they want. That's kind of how life works.

Now your husband and you both have to take responsibility for the stressors in the marriage (whatever led to you feeling neglected) but the way you reacted to those stressors is ON YOU and YOU alone. Not everyone who feels neglected lies and cheats. What you have to figure out is what is it about your thought process and coping skills that allowed YOU to make that choice? And how do you make sure you don't do it again? No matter what, your life together will always alternate between good times and bad, so who's to say you won't disregard and degrade him again when you hit some more bad times?

Go to therapy if you have to. But to me, until you work on that, you have no business being "sure" you won't do it again.

As far as telling him.. that's on you. That's a risky game to play because if you don't tell him and he finds out on his own, it will destroy him and probably torpedo your marriage. It would be really hard for him to ever trust you again. But if you do tell him, you are opening him up to a world of pain... but at least it's the truth he'd be dealing with, so he can decide what he wants from there, and you two can work it out (or not) from an honest place.

People make mistakes, and this is a whopper of one. I do feel for you. The thing is, some mistakes cause way more collateral damage than others, whether it was intended or not. Cheating is one of those things where I don't think some people ever really grasp the gravity of the damage it causes until sheyyt hits the fan. It doesn't just hurt the other person though... it hurts you too. And even the "other man/woman" sometimes.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:55 PM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top