Desperately seeking advice on how to cope with being around my girlfriend’s ex lover (woman, cheating)
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As long as your confident she's really into you then you shouldn't worry. However, it seems you're not. Also, talking to her about this is only going to lessen her attraction to you and make it worse.
My advice? Shut up. Monitor. If she isn't inappropriate with him and is still showing signs of strong attraction to you (consistent sex, initiating touch, etc), this is something you just have to let go.
Girls are going to have been with other guys before. She's not yours. It's just your turn.
Even though I should have saved the convo for face-to-face, this is what unfolded:
Me: Every time I am around X, I think about how you had an affair for 5 months
Her: Ok lol
Me: I am bringing it up because it bothers me
Her: No need to bring it up rn. I know you want to keep me away from my friends
Me: He disrespected you and your relationship
Her: when I was 19
Me: If I had a girl around that I had an affair with, you would feel u uncomfortable
Her: Not if you ****ed her 4 years ago and her best friend was dating her and I knew you had no interest in her
Her: 4 years is a very long time
Her: but keep pulling **** out of your ass to fight about
Her: you’re just controlling and don’t want me to have friends
Her: you ruin my life every day
Her: I hate you
OMG you TEXTED that to her???????????????????????????
Well, it's clear she's not your GF anymore, so you don't have to worry about it.
But what you need to know going forward is that the past is the past. Instead of collapsing inward about a guy who put his hands on her a long time ago, you are supposed to be secure in the fact that she is with you NOW.
Live and learn. Insecurity is the root of jealousy.
Sounds like a horrible set to be paired with one another.
It really has nothing to do with blame on either end, so do not make it about blaming each other. Approach this as the issue and not the issues that lead up to you having this hang up.
Your SO is feeling like you are blaming her for your own issues. This isn't the way to go deeper in to this and come to an understanding with one another. You're working against one another.
I always find this forum interesting in the way people treat these type of issues. People will tell others to discuss their issues with their partners and have an open communication, but then they will chastise blame and vilify them when they do so and it doesn't go well.
I'm kind of surprised by some of the responses here. Even though they were cheating, this guy was with his girlfriend for 5 months which basically makes him an ex. So why should he be okay with routinely hanging out with her ex? I know many men and women who are totally not okay with that. If this girlfriend truly cared for the OP, she wouldn't hang out with this guy anymore. But it's clear she doesn't.
He didn't disrespect the relationship she had with her boyfriend, they both did. So, she's a cheater as well. While it was a while ago, 5 months is a long time to be cheating on someone. Probably a lot of lying and covering up during that time. That makes her ability to be honest to you a question. Maybe she's grown up, maybe she hasn't. You can outgrow the need to cheat, but liars often stay liars. If she wants to maintain the friendship with him, that's not a good sign. I'd move on.
Well, clearly you already screwed up and were a whiner.
Are you that controlling? If so, she should leave you and find somebody who is comfortable in his own skin and isn't shaken to the core when running across an ex-lover. Jeez.
Doesn't always have to do with confidence.
I'm a confident person. I don't date girls that hang around with ex's still.
Whenever one of my ex's tries to contact me, I ignore it.
To the OP:
Looking at that conversation you posted with her, she doesn't sound to be worth the time. If a girl spoke to me like that (I don't know if you're controlling, just going off that I'm not) I wouldn't stick around. Total lack of respect in that conversation on her part.
Basically she says she understands, but doesn't get why I have a problem and her friend doesn't. She said she was young and it was meaningless and that I shouldn't worry. I actually had to hang out with him with all of them today. Doesn't feel right and prob will never. Oh well. Kinda wish I had an ex to bring around to turn the tables.
Thanks to all who replied. Very much appreciated.
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