Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Don't you think after 7 years, I have tried to talk to him about this problem many times? He refuses to talk about it. There are no "intimate details" in our life, therefore not posting of any. I thought this was a forum about relationships and a place I could seek advice or answers from others who may have or experienced the same problem. Obviously, that person isn't you, therefore why did you post a reply?
I thought your post was reasonable. I think you should give him an ultimatum. Tell him you want to go to counseling, you want him to reinvest in you and your sex life or he is out. I wouldn't even give him much time. 6 months. Life is short you deserve to live it feeling loved.
Honestly OP, I don't know how you lasted this long; 7 years is a very long time to go without sex and even affection from your own spouse. Yes, it is very embarrassing and frustrating for a man to experience ED, but the fact that he refuses to seek medical attention after this long stretch of time leads me to believe that he isn't particularly vested in the marriage anymore. Few things can cause a marriage to deteriorate as quickly as cutting off intimacy.
Communication, approach, etc are bigger issues - age? Not really. A good sex life can be enjoyed into the 90's if one is willing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bayarea4
Many older couples are still sexually active into their 70s, 80s and even 90s. They might have to learn some different ways of being intimate that don't always involve penetration, but there is no reason to completely give up on intimacy just because you aren't young any more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingStars
Nope, 70s, 80s, 90s is not an age for enjoying sex, the same way being 10, 12, 14 isn't either. Just because we are bomarded with wrong messages about love relationships and all kind of fake Hollywood stories, for example: Because I said so - 2007, where Diane Keaton (born 1946) has sex like a mad woman and has her first orgasm at 61 with Stephen Collins (born 1947), it doesn't mean that it is that way in real life or that we are naturally designed for something like that. I understand that desire may never die, but the human body has its limitations which we should learn to accept with dignity, instead of expecting our partners to take Viagra or who knows what, because we don't know to work a bit on ourselves, have a reality check and keep our fantasies in control. .
I would suggest YOU do broader research than the movies, insofar as, as you say, they are bombarding you with the wrong message. The literature and the research in the field supports the premise you may enjoy intimacy into the 90's. You may begin from this link, and move forward from that point. Scholarly research supports this finding, which WAS NOT found from common actors or pop culture movies. See also: https://scholar.google.com/scholar?h...%2C44&as_sdtp=
It is interesting that the first citation [William C. Andrews. Journal of Women's Health & Gender-Based Medicine. January 2000, 9(supplement 1): 21-24.] suggests sexual intimacy may continue into the ages "For many, sexuality may continue into the 70s, 80s, and 90s, as long as there is an interested and ... " which is the very premise I had made and which was supported by Bayarea4.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
This is not being snarky. It is giving the OP and others in CD Relationships credible advice from professionals who are informed. Sometimes you can run into someone doing some other research to bide their time during breaks from active engagement in the field. Pretty Skippy, that.
Last edited by Kin Atoms; 08-09-2015 at 03:51 PM..
I would suggest YOU do broader research than the movies, insofar as, as you say, they are bombarding you with the wrong message. The literature and the research in the field supports the premise you may enjoy intimacy into the 90's. You may begin from this link, and move forward from that point. Scholarly research supports this finding, which WAS NOT found from common actors or pop culture movies. See also: https://scholar.google.com/scholar?h...%2C44&as_sdtp=
It is interesting that the first citation [William C. Andrews. Journal of Women's Health & Gender-Based Medicine. January 2000, 9(supplement 1): 21-24.] suggests sexual intimacy may continue into the ages "For many, sexuality may continue into the 70s, 80s, and 90s, as long as there is an interested and ... " which is the very premise I had made and which was supported by Bayarea4.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
This is not being snarky. It is giving the OP and others in CD Relationships credible advice from professionals who are informed. Sometimes you can run into someone doing some other research to bide their time during breaks from active engagement in the field. Pretty Skippy, that.
Thanks for the links. I'll probaby read them soon.
I thought it wasn't necessary to mention in my post that I don't base my opinions on films and the general manipulating media, but on the way so many generations of people lived before us, people who knew to grow old together with their partner, becoming wise and redescovering life in new ways, not asking their partner to experiment sexually forever, take Viagra, go see the doctor, see the therapist, etc., because their hormones are in excess while their partner's are decreasing. Yes, at some age men become impotent and if it happens when they're old, it's only normal. What is not ok, in my opinion, is to put so much pressure on men as if they could defy time or expect them to take drugs, instead of simply calming down one's hormones and learning to enjoy life as a wonderful old lady.
As I said in a previous post, these comments are not about the OP's situation which is different.
Last edited by BlazingStars; 08-09-2015 at 05:43 PM..
Blazing Star, you bring up a very subtle but important point: if we stop focusing on the issue (one of the key elements in sensate focus) all comes back. This is not age related, but relational related. And pleasure is a very erotic word, not of activities, but of excitement to be with your all-in-all. If we truly are focused on the other and their pleasure, the 'sizzle' will absolutely increase for ourselves and there will be no complaints. The persons who talks least is typically the happiest.
Seems to me the guy is almost 70 and has run out of gas on a sexual level a condition that was going to happen sooner or later.
What i wonder is what else was there in the relationship other than sex that was considered love and affection, if you were using sex as your only indication of the guys love and affection i hate to tell you but the sex with this guy is over.
Is there anything you guys like to do together?if so i'd explore all mutual interests, vacations/dinners out/movies/ going away for long weekends,interacting with the kids, etc.
To my way of thinking theres just so much more to a relationship than sex.
I do agree that the guy needs to be confronted with your concerns,perhaps concerns he is totally unaware of as Guys dont think like Gals.
However i think he is aware of your needs and its a tremendous burden for him to realize he cant fulfill these needs ,he is probably feeling very guilty about the whole issue and instead of confronting or addressing the issue he is withdrawing.I wonder what would happen if he were in some way released from this sexual need you are placing on him,i think your whole relationship would brighten up and become more positive in new directions.
Maybe he's just not attracted to the OP anymore... maybe she has let herself go and he's not at all interested in having sex with her, and would rather manually pleasure himself to porn
OP, it sounds like you had a very healthy sex life until it abruptly ended for no known reason. That doesn't sound like a physical problem, because ED and low testosterone (two distinctly different problems) usually develop over time. I'm wondering if there wasn't *something* that happened or was said that stopped the sexual play, and then ED or low T took over. (Use it or lose it.)
Because your sex life was so good, your husband grew to associate snuggling, etc. with the sex act, and if he can't complete the sex act, he doesn't want to start it. That can be a very hard pill to swallow for men. We associate sexual virility with manhood. It's unfortunate if he doesn't want to seek medical help, because it's very likely that he could be helped -- either with Viagra, etc. or with supplemental testosterone replacement (shots, patch, etc.) or with a combination of both.
My wife and I are having similar problems. (I'm nearly 70, she's nearly 60.) In our case, she's the one that suddenly lost interest in sex. She won't see a doctor about ANYTHING. (In the 16 years we've been together, she's seen a doctor twice, once when she couldn't breathe [allergies] and once when she developed pneumonia.) She doesn't believe in hormone replacement -- or is afraid of it. And because my late wife died suddenly a month or two after beginning hormone replacement at age 51, I don't force the issue. But we still snuggle, and we'll attempt sex rarely, but it always ends prematurely because it hurts her.
If you can have a frank discussion with your husband, tell him how hurt you feel -- like you've told us. Encourage him to see a doctor about it. It's very likely that an inexpensive shot of testosterone replacement each month would make a big difference, and if that could be coupled with Viagra or Cialis (expensive), he might be back to his old self.
FWIW, I started testosterone replacement therapy nearly 25 years ago following removal of a large pituitary tumor. In addition to increasing my sexual appetite, it just makes me feel better -- more energized.
Who says divorce will solve anything or open door to some sex? It is not that easy to find somebody normal and disease free to have sex with, or even want it. I am dying without sex but can't seal the deal to save my life. And I am way younger. It only gets harder with age. And loneliness is Though to handle.
I think the OP is very sensible and willing to accept her husband's lack of sexual desire ... BUT ... she deserves affection and intimacy, and if he is unwilling to do just those things I think her complaint is valid and justified.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Support for the OP; rebuttal for the nay-sayers
