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My on-again, off-again boyfriend of three and a half years just broke up with me last night... again. It all started because he works nights and we had not seen each other in a while. The day that we were able to see each other, he slept all morning and then decided to go kayaking. By the time he came home, it was already nine o' clock and shortly afterwards he mentioned tht the next day he was going to help a friend move out, and run a bunch of errands that were also going to take all day so he would not be able to hang out until later that night again. At this point I got upset because I feel as though he would rather spend time alone than spend time with me and we argued about it and he broke up with me. Every time he decides he wants to break up, all he says is that sometimes he wants to be with me but he enjoys being alone as well. It does not bother me that I am not his entire life, it just bothers me that the time and days we do have to spend together he chooses to spend them elsewhere.
Additionally, we graduated from college over a year ago but he is still in his party days. I however have grown out of it. Last weekend he got a DWI and spent the night in jail but he's still willing to go out with his friends.
I'm not saying that i'm the perfect girlfriend and that he should spend every minute with me but it just seems that i'm ready to settle down and he isn't. I have put in a lot of effort to make this work and I do a lot for him but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm tired of doing the on again off again thing and so is he but yet he always comes back and I always seem to take him back (I know some of you are shaking your head right now)... So I really don't know what to do.
Basically i'm just asking for some advice from you lovely people. Thanks.
Had a relationship just like yours many years ago. Too young and stupid, This jerk was so into himself but put up with it . He most often broke off with me and I wasn't even aware of it until other guys would call for a date. Needless to say we got engaged and I got pregnant and we married. Fought constantly but due to raising children, stayed married. My life overall was good due to having my children as a diversion. Also had my family and a good relationship with his family who used to be livid with his irresponsibility. Am cutting this story short as the end result was when girls got old enough I decided my life would suck once children were grown and didn't care to grow old with him. Got a great job, paid off my debt and filed for divorce. Best thing I ever did. He to this day has no friends,still has to work at 74, all his family now deceased and non of his children have nothing to do with him and they all at one time lived within a bike ride away. This could be your life if you don't do some serious thinking. Your too good for this ass.
to me, on again off again relationships are one that lack maturity, from partner or both. it also shows that neither one is wanting to move on into the unknown because the one they are with is "safe".
its time to fully mature, and move on with your life and let him do what ever it is that he wants to do in life.
My on-again, off-again boyfriend of three and a half years just broke up with me last night... again. It all started because he works nights and we had not seen each other in a while. The day that we were able to see each other, he slept all morning and then decided to go kayaking. By the time he came home, it was already nine o' clock and shortly afterwards he mentioned that the next day he was going to help a friend move out, and run a bunch of errands that were also going to take all day so he would not be able to hang out until later that night again. At this point I got upset because I feel as though he would rather spend time alone than spend time with me and we argued about it and he broke up with me. Every time he decides he wants to break up, all he says is that sometimes he wants to be with me but he enjoys being alone as well. It does not bother me that I am not his entire life, it just bothers me that the time and days we do have to spend together he chooses to spend them elsewhere.
Additionally, we graduated from college over a year ago but he is still in his party days. I however have grown out of it. Last weekend he got a DWI and spent the night in jail but he's still willing to go out with his friends.
I'm not saying that i'm the perfect girlfriend and that he should spend every minute with me but it just seems that i'm ready to settle down and he isn't. I have put in a lot of effort to make this work and I do a lot for him but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm tired of doing the on again off again thing and so is he but yet he always comes back and I always seem to take him back (I know some of you are shaking your head right now)... So I really don't know what to do.
Basically i'm just asking for some advice from you lovely people. Thanks.
you don't need advice...you have it figured out...at least what the problem is
do you want to be the on and off girl or do you want to find someone on the same page
the on and off girl (or boy) is just plan b or c...usually only tapped when there isn't a better option...you are not a priority to his love life...if that's ok...status quo...then stick and stay
otherwise make yourself Unavailable to him and available to others
Whenever I hear about the on and off again relationships, I seem to feel that the core issue here is communication and setting of expectations. Once the breakup occurs, expectations are set and communication is established albeit temporarily until the couple comes together and splits again. its not about Him nor about You being the perfect companion. Its about having enough to build a "couple's" relationship. Your expectation of how much time you spend as a couple seems to be different from his own... how much your relationship requires.
I know one couple like this that eventually got married. They were on and off a bunch of times but never dated anyone else (I think that was a mistake). They convined themselves that marriage/commitment would keep them together. They are still in their honeymoon phase which seems to have put a stop to the fighting.... however, life is only easy until it throws you a curve ball. I'm not so sure they can handle the first major curve ball. They come from different backgrounds affluently and I'm already seeing the strain from different expectations of lifestyle. They are not communicating... and they vent to their friends (i'm one of them).
In my own marriage (14 years we've known each other for 20+), we had such a strong relationship built initially on a very close relationship as friends. We've made it through some tough times but the latest involved sickly children that are extremely demanding. After a few years of this, we spent less and less time together as a couple... dedicating most of our time to child care... emotionally, physically, and financially. At some point, we underestimated how important it was for us to dedicate time to us as a couple... as such we drifted apart and struggling. It is a continuous process to heal and we are progressing. I am happy and hopeful with the progress but it is difficult. I hope the children get better soon... so we can dedicate more time to "us".
So.... I guess what I am saying.. communication and expectations need to be established. Do not underestimate the importance of being together as a couple. How much and what that entails is only determined by the couple; but said couple needs to be communicating first. If you cannot both come together on this, don't expect being married/LTR/committed to improve things.
THANK YOU for sharing your experiences. Hope everything improves soon for you ... children issues are extremely taxing. Have faith.
In comparison, my situation is trivial and insignificant.
I'm in Central NJ, my GF and I are in the 45-55 age range ... so we are not "kids". I always thought that we "communicated" well. But after 3 years of being together, we have been on/off 3 times since January. The typical pattern has been .... phone call / email stating "maybe we should not be togther". I obviously respond with the appropriate questions ...calming her concerns then the next day or so, things are "back to normal" for another 2-3 months. Main issue: she "ideally" wants a relationship with a man who can support in the event that she no longer wants to work. Keep in mind, this is a woman who is hard working, conscientious middle manager. Her work ethic is one of her positive traits. She is NOT saying that she wants to stop working...but just in case!!?? I am trying to understand that concept.
THANK YOU for sharing your experiences. Hope everything improves soon for you ... children issues are extremely taxing. Have faith.
In comparison, my situation is trivial and insignificant.
I'm in Central NJ, my GF and I are in the 45-55 age range ... so we are not "kids". I always thought that we "communicated" well. But after 3 years of being together, we have been on/off 3 times since January. The typical pattern has been .... phone call / email stating "maybe we should not be togther". I obviously respond with the appropriate questions ...calming her concerns then the next day or so, things are "back to normal" for another 2-3 months. Main issue: she "ideally" wants a relationship with a man who can support in the event that she no longer wants to work. Keep in mind, this is a woman who is hard working, conscientious middle manager. Her work ethic is one of her positive traits. She is NOT saying that she wants to stop working...but just in case!!?? I am trying to understand that concept.
So that is her goal, to not work, and you work and support her?
Oh God. It's not fun. OP. I'm like you with my relationship. Difference is, he is my husband. So ya. I myself get tired of it. You are not married so you can still end this.
You know why your relationship is like this though? Coz you keep taking him back, I understand that you love him that's why you do this.
But, you have to give him an ultimatum once and for all. The next time he comes back to you, say no.
See what happens. In my case, the reason why I always come back is, my husband gives/do what I want ALWAYS. OR I won't come back anymore.
If there is no change or he is not giving you what you want, why do you always take him back? It does not make any sense.
On again-off again plus DWI = loser. You can do better.
Getting a DWI classifies him as a loser?
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