Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So buy something small (even a condo) in a location you both would enjoy. And do it now, if you value your marriage, not when you get to some specific valuation you seem to be focused on.
Nothing we like is in the 350k range. One needs at least 650k to play in Northern Jersey.
I dont know if I picked up on this, but you said she had an apartment before she married you. Did she pay for that? Is there any reason that she can't get an apartment now to stay in for a few days a week to make her happy? Might cost her a lot but it sounds like it would be worth it if she's that unhappy.
He is right.... Most of the areas that have been mentioned are in that high price range (not to mention taxes).
I'm also in northern NJ far enough from NYC. 1000sqft house starter home (circa 1920s) with 2 bed / 1bath.... it is already in the 300k range. In 1998, the average home sale in my town was $190k. In 2005 it went to $465k. It has settled at around $400k. Fortunately for me, I purchased mine around 1998 and it was "reasonable". However, I'm now priced out of my own community that I've lived in for over 10 years. I'm kinda stuck. Family has outgrown the house but we are making it work for financial reasons (dinning room is now the kids room). We have homes in the 300k+ range (small/old) near newer homes in the 2 million range. There is definitely a disparity of incomes flowing into the town.
However it isn't too bad.. at least my Mortgage+Insurance+tax is less than most rentals. If I were need of a home today, I think I would have given up on NJ by now and moved to another state.
The woman from two years ago was a ruse and a facade used to capture the heart of another man, and that was you. Sorry to sound so callous but following this thread, you bonded with the type of woman that makes my neck hair stand on end and whom I run from fast and far.
My advice would be divorce but that is looking at things from a purely functional standpoint rather than an emotional standpoint. I can't be a judge of your emotions.
She's not a bad person, just doesn't look at the entire picture. I've done the same as well. Most have. I hope to try and work through these things, but I am not entirely sure this would be possible. I need her to put in as much effort she puts into teaching and her family as she puts into us. That's the big issue. Her response, if you are not happy, then throw me out and divorce me. She probably says that because she thinks (knows) I would not do that. Not something I want to do.
Relationships take work and I am not one to throw in the towel so easily. I do want to make this work, just trying to figure out how.
It requires both people to be willing to work on the marriage for it all to work out. You have repeatedly stated that your wife will not participate in counseling. One spouse alone cannot make things work if the other is totally unwilling to compromise.
She wants to make the house feel like hers. However, that, in plan English, means my stuff out and her designing in with no convo with me. The stuff I liked, we put up. The stuff we didn't, she has put away. To be fair, I took my stuff that she didn't like down and put away as well. Still not enough.
You do not have to worry about the kids issue. We rarely have sex nowadays. Once a month, if the moon is positioned just right.
I guess something just changed in her head. I used to live in a city environment, however, I suffer from cluster headaches and I need a quite home. I even built an area in the house where she can play music and tv and I would not hear it. Again, I do not want my issues to interfere with her life. And yes, she's known about my medical issues since dating.
House is not that big, just on a big lot of land. Not much really to go down on.
She wants to make the house "feel like hers", AND she wants to sell it? Again--where is the part that makes sense? And whose money would be spent on a total redecorating project? You still haven't told us what she does with her monthly paycheck.
She knew about your medical issues, and she knew you need a quiet environment, because she lived in it for 4 months before the wedding. And you accommodated her by setting up a sound-proof room for her. So her continued objections to this don't make sense. Why isn't she happy with her music/TV room?
And why did she decide she didn't like the isolated locale only after the wedding? And why does she have you on the once/month plan only 2 years in?
I agree with Atkinson Dan; I think you've been the victim of a bait-and-switch scheme. I think that's the elephant in the room that you're unwilling to face, though I guess you did offer her a chance to get out, and she got angry, and claims she loves you.
Do you make significantly more than her, or are you two earning close to equally? I'm still trying to understand why her various objections didn't surface until after she got the ring.
BTW, for her to say you're "always" only interested in money and how much you'd lose selling the place, is manipulative. That's not what someone who loves you to pieces does. Also, saying she's "wired" to not trust you is not something someone who's in love says. Who marries a person they can't trust? It makes no sense.
She moved into my house, and it was a bit different for her, but she said she'd get used to it. Well, she says she's depressed around all the quietness and wants to move. I said, that is a bit of a problem now as I am underwater on the house, whereas I paid more than it is currently worth. It lost about 40% of it's value. She then said, you said I would consider to move down the line. I said yes, I would consider it, however, not by losing half the value of the house. It's paid off, not a mortgage. I've had it a long long time. Then she said, you never compromise or help. It's your way or nothing at all. No bending on your part.
From your first post it is clear that your wife is miserable living in the house. She told you this (probably has been an ongoing conversation). You say you will move at some time in the future to be determined by you. And you're confused as to why she finds you unbending and is unhappy? Anyone would be. You are telling her you value a house she detests more than you do her. And from her perspective, she may be in that house for a long, long, long time. And it's OK if your do value the house and it's supposed worth more than her happiness. If that's not the case, you need to figure out a solution that would be agreeable to you both. Your continuing to refuse to consider selling is going to end your marriage. And her continued insistence on buying an unaffordable home will do the same.
From your first post it is clear that your wife is miserable living in the house. She told you this (probably has been an ongoing conversation). You say you will move at some time in the future to be determined by you. And you're confused as to why she finds you unbending and is unhappy? Anyone would be. You are telling her you value a house she detests more than you do her. And from her perspective, she may be in that house for a long, long, long time. And it's OK if your do value the house and it's supposed worth more than her happiness. If that's not the case, you need to figure out a solution that would be agreeable to you both. Your continuing to refuse to consider selling is going to end your marriage.
He said she loves the house. It's the location she doesn't like. She even wants to spend a lot of money redecorating. She contradicts herself coming and going, on all issues. As far as we know, anyway.
She's not a bad person, just doesn't look at the entire picture. I've done the same as well. Most have. I hope to try and work through these things, but I am not entirely sure this would be possible. I need her to put in as much effort she puts into teaching and her family as she puts into us. That's the big issue. Her response, if you are not happy, then throw me out and divorce me. She probably says that because she thinks (knows) I would not do that. Not something I want to do.
Could it be possible she somehow feels this house is NOT her home??..I know she knew all along it was your home..but after 2 years..just removing some of your personal trinkets/remembrances wasn't enough???. Just being a devil's advocate here..
How about offering her the option of redecorating some space she could call her own?? Putting HER stamp on the house may make her feel like it's her's too??
I'm not trying to be difficult..BUT sometime's a women may need her own spacial area in order to feel that way. It's obvious you love this women..but just as they say " Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus"..Sometimes men just don't get it..
Thinking back..IF this ever happened to myself..ALL I would require is a ROOM to call my own..as decor and ambiance likely would have somehow made me feel unwelcome, even tho I knew I really wasn't!! Women are strange creatures for sure..But it sounds as IF you are open to idea's and incites in order for you to continue on..When Love is there "Divorce" is not even in the equation for you!!
Could it be possible she somehow feels this house is NOT her home??..I know she knew all along it was your home..but after 2 years..just removing some of your personal trinkets/remembrances wasn't enough???. Just being a devil's advocate here..
How about offering her the option of redecorating some space she could call her own?? Putting HER stamp on the house may make her feel like it's her's too??
:
He said he did that. He offered to let her redecorate part of the house, a couple of rooms, or something, but she said that's not enough. She wants to redo the entire thing. And she already has a room that's all her own, for playing music and watching TV, but she still complains that the house is too quiet, even though she knows his medical issues require that.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It makes no sense.
