Husband makes 100K in union, I make 300k in business. I want to leave NYC and he doesn't. (child support, American)
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OP - After reading through the thread, 2 things are clear (other than the scary number of misogynists on CD):
Your husband is being held hostage by an emotionally manipulative parent.... his Mom. She has him convinced that she will not survive him not living close to her. She (if she had HIS best interests at heart) would support whatever made his marriage as happy and stable as possible. But instead she has HER best interests at heart. How cruel and unfair. And he seems to be unable to separate from her to the degree necessary to make a decision for himself. IMO his adamant NO to moving is not about his job or NYC, but about his inability to stand up to Mommy to the point where he can even consider what HE wants in his life.
Second, you are miserable not just in NYC, but under the controlling influence of his Mom. It has to suck to constantly be reminded that you are the less important woman in his life. Your longing to move is just as much about missing CA and your family as the need to get out from her sphere of influence. I cannot imagine the feeling of having 3 people making decisions in a marriage and knowing that as the minority partner you will always get out voted and pretty much don't count. While that's not your husbands intent, it's the reality you live with every day.
Commit to counseling in an honest attempt to reach a compromise on the move. In addition, separate counseling for your husband should be part of the deal in an attempt to get him to face his issues with his Mom and figure out if he's fulfilling her needs or his own. If you two can get to the point where you are making decisions together for your family, those decisions will be more likely to make you both happy regardless of where you live.
In addition, I'd insist on taking the kids for some long visits to San Diego so they (and you) can spend quality time with your family as well. If you were willing to have them spend summers/vacations in NYC if you moved, he should be willing to have them do the opposite while you're living in NY. Might do you good to have some breaks from Mommy Dearest.
FWIW, I never intended to stay in NY either, but the Mr. was set on staying (although now he wished we had left 15 years ago ). But, we came up with an amicable agreement, which includes retiring young and moving to where I want to go (either Colorado or Alaska).
I have a similar agreement with my husband. When we retire, we're moving to wherever our kids and grandkids land. He says he agrees, but a move will take him out of the city where he was born and has always lived with the exception of his college years. I really hope he doesn't pull an "I changed my mind" on me. I am immovable on this plan and I worry that divorce at 65 will be hard on him.
Set-up an appointment for counseling for the both of you. I would tell him that if he is serious at all about the marriage, that he would attend the appointment with you. Otherwise, you will start doing a lot of things on your own, which could include you relocating. You'll have to be as serious as death about it. You've been saying the same things all these years to him---you are like a broken record---what makes him think you'll actually act on it?
With a third party (obviously not your MIL), you might be able to work out a compromise. It's worth a try.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaSol
"Man of the household"? Are we in 1950?
So apparently because I'm the woman after 8 years of sacrificing I am casting away a good person who has no interest in pleasing me?
It's not like I haven't sacrificed 8 years and gotten him through university and been his rock as he worked his way up..and guess what? Now I have, too.
I'm trying to take everyone's answers into consideration and be fair and be an adult about this but this reply wreaks of a chauvinist standpoint. I don't believe one spouse is above the other.I believe in equality.
I feel I am interested in making him happy and have given up many years of my life to do so and don't understand what would be so bad about him doing the same.
The thing is..he LIKES California..so it wouldn't even be like he's giving up anything to move somewhere terrible. He's clinging onto his MOM!
At least that's what I think..she tears up and throws a fit even when we mentioned we'd move 30-40 minutes away to Long Island. Like we were doing her wrong :/
My husband's mom is the same way. His mom's family is very Italian in a lot of ways. When she first heard he was moving to my neighborhood in Brooklyn (from a neighborhood that was closer to her also in Brooklyn), she was very upset and went on and on about how she couldn't believe he would move so far away and how the entire family couldn't believe he'd move so far away. (Which is funny, considering we have a car, so we are maybe twenty minutes from her?) She also has a touch of crazy and likes to try to manipulate feelings and she would be thrilled if he was a mama's boy but...no.
Luckily for me, however, after a few conversations with my husband and setting the facts straight, I made it clear that I am number one from now on. Once we were married, it was US and what works best for US. Slowly but surely the guilt trips stopped working and whenever his mom was being extra crazy, he learned to stop yelling back and just hang up the phone.
The thing is, I am very much like you---except I wish I had your income! LOL. I am very independent. It has always been made clear to my husband that if I ever felt like I was taking a back seat or that he was listening to his family over me that there would be a PROBLEM and I would have no issue walking out of the door. Over the years, and after lots of discussions, we've both decided we'd be willing to move to another place and not let our families guilt us about it. (Mine wouldn't so I have nothing to worry about.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hairy Guy
imo, you should not have gotten married if you were independent and headstrong. the definition of marriage, even today for a huge majority of men, means you are entering into a patriarchy. the male has the final say in the household. people who deny this lie to themselves (newsflash: no, men have NOT bought into feminism no matter how badly it is shoved down their throats in american society). if i had a daughter married to a good man (or even a boyfriend), i would say the wife should support the husband first. you can call this sexist according to american feminism. i just call it tradition. it's not about 1950s. it was this way for thousands of years. it's not for everyone but most men i have met think this way and want such a structure.
Am I in the twilight zone? Absolutely not, no way. I do not know a SINGLE PERSON who feels this way. I have a hard time believing you are from NYC. Every male I know would shake their heads at this nonsense. Are you married?
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaSol
He's against a housecleaner..Wants me to do it..Despite the fact I've kept our place spotless for 8+ years and cooked AND worked..somehow shifting my focus to take my business to double the income and outsourcing time consuming stuff like housecleaning makes me less of a woman...
It's one thing to say no because you don't have the disposable income or one person isn't working so they have the time to do it. But that comment would NOT sit well with me, as a working woman, and I would probably turn around and hire a cleaner the next day. My husband and I usually make all of our decisions together but then again I didn't marry someone unreasonable.
These decisions should be made as a team, bottom line. My wife makes more than me, it's no big deal. I'm secure enough to accept it. When we were dating, l left my mommy and my family and friends to be with her while she attended grad school. I busted my ass at a job I hated working 60 hours a week to support her while she got her PhD.
After she finished her degree, we moved back to our home state of NY and lived in Manhattan for 7 years, fulfilling a lifelong dream for both of us. Having grown up in the area though, we knew that NYC had a shelf life of about 5 years and we were ready to start a family, so we left our families, again.
I love where we live now and the cost of living is reasonable enough that we could afford to purchase a second home for my wife's family to live in. This is our last stop.
And for those saying this is a Latin thing, I'm Latino with a Puerto Rican mom to prove it. When I married my wife, she became my family and all of my decisions are made with our well being in mind. It's me and her against the world, family included.
This, this, this.
A lot of these comments are just... yeah. Time for him to cut the umbilical cord. My husband knows I don't want to settle here in Sacramento. Sure, it's his "home" or where he calls home, but I want to move in five or so years. He knows this, and he's considered it. It's something we still talk about.
I call San Diego home, and it's where most of my family live, but not where I want to move. However, if that were the case, I'd make the move. If I spent a considerable amount of time, what was agreed upon initially, at a particular place, then why should he back out of that agreement? And what about being near my family or choosing a better place (which I know varies and is subjective) to raise a family.
I would love to visit NYC, or even live there if I didn't have kids, but settle and raise kids there? Nope.
I know it's hard to believe but NYC isn't the greatest city in the world. Half the New Yorkers I know don't even want to raise their kids here including our own friends. This shouldn't come as a big surprise.
Plenty of New Yorkers clearly do raise their kids here. Stop making excuses.
If you want to divorce, then go ahead and do so.
But you might not get custody of the kids.
Your husband isn't going anywhere if he doesn't want to.
Yeah it's very unfair and upsetting to realize someone flipped their word on you after you had kids, which makes the situation 10x harder. I told him he can stay in the city he loves near his mom since that comes first to him.
It kills me, especially since hell blame everything on me in the end, but considering how miserable I am now and how much I resent him for this I know staying here and continuing to live like this will be a huge source of lifelong regret for me. I am mad that I'm even in the shoes to have to make this decision
Life is unfair . It will be unfair that in your pettiness and inability to give in, you will leave your husband and destroy the family of your two children.
Divorce is hard on KIDS.
The issues that need work in your marriage is you need to deal with your lack of assertiveness.
Don't want to clean the house and want a housekeeper. Go ahead and hire one with YOUR own money.
Your husband might be a bit more willing to move to another apartment in NYC, one that gives at least a little distance from his mother but still allows them to visit each other when need be.
You say he is acting like a little kid, but you are acting like a child too. You're screaming because you couldn't get your way over a so called promise made years ago.
Your children should come first if you're a mother and if the husband doesn't want to move to another state you should be focused on making a good life for all of you where you are (in NYC).
"(his mom) asked MY mom why she doesn't learn Spanish because she became frustrated trying to talk to her .." Why doesn't your California mom take a class or something? She lives in SD, it might be useful. Side issue, though. I'm just saying: both moms are closed-minded linguistically, so call it "even."
Children of divorce are always stuck on people "breaking promises" because their parents broke their promise. Now you're ready to repeat that, without benefit of counseling. SMH.
It's cruel. You won't be able to tell your children someday, "When we married, I loved your Dad. After awhile, we tried *everything* to resolve the conflicts that divided us, and even got help..but we still couldn't make it work together."
Instead, you'll have this narrative to tell your kids someday: "For eight years, I suffered. I had to endure a too-close family with your bossy grandma, in a city I never did like. And YOUR Dad was so stubborn, he wouldn't move, even though he had promised." You'll only sound acceptable in that story if you slice-and-dice their Dad, which -- trust me -- is like telling them, "half of you (kiddo) sucks."
You aren't trying hard, at all. Eight years of living in a city you don't like? Pffft. I did that several times over, moving kids each time (1,2 then 3) to keep us together as a couple. We had to follow the work. You can move anytime with kids until around Middle School, and they'll bounce. You don't only have "RIGHT NOW" to decide this, and yet you are saying NOW. That you'd do this without counseling just stuns me.
Last edited by BrightRabbit; 08-24-2015 at 09:49 AM..
imo, you should not have gotten married if you were independent and headstrong. the definition of marriage, even today for a huge majority of men, means you are entering into a patriarchy. the male has the final say in the household. people who deny this lie to themselves (newsflash: no, men have NOT bought into feminism no matter how badly it is shoved down their throats in american society). if i had a daughter married to a good man (or even a boyfriend), i would say the wife should support the husband first. you can call this sexist according to american feminism. i just call it tradition. it's not about 1950s. it was this way for thousands of years. it's not for everyone but most men i have met think this way and want such a structure.
also, he will not be letting go of his mom till she dies. he should move to cali. as it is nice and he likes it, and kids can grow up nice over there and he will give you free time away from mother in law but i cannot see that happening.
as for driving, you have to drive to basic things, like kids ball games practice, or buy some food, or do things like movies, etc. but this is not the major reason. it is an afterthought. you want one thing, he wants the other. something's gotta give. and give something will.
Yes, I would call it sexist. Must be a New Yorker thing because you would have issues with that view on the West Coast, unless it's a cultural bias. A marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
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). But, we came up with an amicable agreement, which includes retiring young and moving to where I want to go (either Colorado or Alaska).
