Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-23-2015, 01:21 PM
 
Location: Happy wherever I am - Florida now
3,360 posts, read 12,246,340 times
Reputation: 3908

Advertisements

Being close to his mom isn't necessarily a bad thing and can show loyalty on his part to a central female figure. However, when she is running your lives that's not good. Time to let him know that the two of you and your kids are the primary objective at this point. His parents are the grandparents and no longer the primary.

You can offer to find a place for them in California.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-23-2015, 01:22 PM
 
153 posts, read 218,413 times
Reputation: 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by RegalSin View Post
What business you do and what kind of Union he represents? IDK it sound like you planned your life way ahead and he just started his. He is the man of the household and you should honor his wishes. Everybody I talk to always whine and whine about CA being filled with too many roads. There are some nice housing structures and all but we have to look at the value and why is it more valuable to the both of you??? CA vs NY.

NY has the ability to walk back and forth without transportation, plus CA ( while it has some clean and green urban areas ) has screwed up laws and is extremely near to the nations internet hub.

When Bruce Lee wife wanted to move back to America after they had a great house, great neighbors, and a place where he could fit in and be accepted he did it to please her. Then he died not too long later. I think your husbands happiness is more important.

A job is a job but good people are hard to find. For every good person I found in this world I could cast away an entire world. Good quality people is what keeps everybody alive, not good money. Money just brings a roof over your head. A roof only needed because of imagination of fear. Otherwise everybody would be walking around naked and the only structure standing would be medical facilities.
"Man of the household"? Are we in 1950?

So apparently because I'm the woman after 8 years of sacrificing I am casting away a good person who has no interest in pleasing me?

It's not like I haven't sacrificed 8 years and gotten him through university and been his rock as he worked his way up..and guess what? Now I have, too.


I'm trying to take everyone's answers into consideration and be fair and be an adult about this but this reply wreaks of a chauvinist standpoint. I don't believe one spouse is above the other.I believe in equality.

I feel I am interested in making him happy and have given up many years of my life to do so and don't understand what would be so bad about him doing the same.

The thing is..he LIKES California..so it wouldn't even be like he's giving up anything to move somewhere terrible. He's clinging onto his MOM!

At least that's what I think..she tears up and throws a fit even when we mentioned we'd move 30-40 minutes away to Long Island. Like we were doing her wrong :/
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2015, 01:24 PM
 
153 posts, read 218,413 times
Reputation: 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sgoldie View Post
Being close to his mom isn't necessarily a bad thing and can show loyalty on his part to a central female figure. However, when she is running your lives that's not good. Time to let him know that the two of you and your kids are the primary objective at this point. His parents are the grandparents and no longer the primary.

You can offer to find a place for them in California.
I agree. I respect that he loves his mom but it has made me a bit resentful as i feel as his wife I should now come first and with his unwillingness to be flexible and him being so stubborn about staying I feel like I'm living a 3-person marriage and throwing my desires down the drain. It has been 8 years of this and I was patient and supportive and now I'm starting to fear he thinks he's going to keep us stuck here and keep calling the shots.

What about my family? Truth is..I told him I love my family but my #1 thought will ALWAYS be what's best for OUR own family (us/kids) vs. what's best for our parents bc they have lived THEIR lives and did what was best for THEM and their kids at the time and I don't want to base my life off them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2015, 01:24 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,216,996 times
Reputation: 73924
Sounds like you married a momma's boy.

Not much you can do if he won't move except wait till the kids are grown and then go wherever you want.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2015, 01:25 PM
 
153 posts, read 218,413 times
Reputation: 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by latent123 View Post
you are a big girl ?
okay, buy a plane ticket and let him know u would leave within a month from now
you show him your plane ticket
tell him i am leaving NY and heading to California
put your words into your action
in case, he still in NY after u have been to California for almost 6-12 months
u would know something wrong here
either it is your fault or his problem
in that case
you need to divorce your husband, life is simple and on point

Now, when your husband is alone, he can cheat on you or he already cheated on you but u just dont spot him
there are tons of apps from okcupid, tinder, omegle, pof.com, to craigslist hookup
men need more sex than money
women need money more than sex
Not even sure how to take this "advice"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2015, 01:28 PM
 
153 posts, read 218,413 times
Reputation: 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Sounds like you married a momma's boy.

Not much you can do if he won't move except wait till the kids are grown and then go wherever you want.
I hate using the term mama's boy bc I appreciate a man who loves his mom but I almost resent the fact he won't come out and say "I won't leave NY bc I don't want to leave my mom and your happiness isn't a priority over that" bc that's sure what it feels like.

Sorry but I can't accept waiting until my kids are grown. I've thought that scenario over in my head. Our fighting is getting worse and I'd be miserable which isn't a good place to raise kids in anyway at that rate.

I remember at 4 how my own parents fought before their divorce and I'm glad they divorced. Childhood would have sucked with them two staying together.

I am not one of those women who believe in just sticking it out when her husband is acting crappy..but my guy is a good guy ..faithful..hardworking..loyal..so I don't feel like throwing away a marriage.

At the same time..I am all of those things as well.

I've been trying to come to a compromise and play this over in my head a million times because I don't feel it's fair one person's happiness should come at another person's misery in a marriage and me despising NYC is nothing new..It's not even NYC's fault..I KNEW very well to leave years ago and sacrificed a lot in his honor..Now I think he has gotten comfortable with us having kids and "keeping us stuck" here.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2015, 01:31 PM
 
153 posts, read 218,413 times
Reputation: 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sgoldie View Post
Being close to his mom isn't necessarily a bad thing and can show loyalty on his part to a central female figure. However, when she is running your lives that's not good. Time to let him know that the two of you and your kids are the primary objective at this point. His parents are the grandparents and no longer the primary.

You can offer to find a place for them in California.
BTW..I told him I'd even BUY his parents a place in CA. His mom "LOVES NYC" and has said that over my shoulder before..almost like rubbing it in my face..and she is even MORE stubborn than him..refuses to move. She has established her life and business here.

Ready for another monkey wrench? Their younger son doesn't want to live in NYC.. Before I was even in the pic he has had dreams of going to college in California (he loves beaches/skateboarding/nice weather)..and I told my husband his brother could live with us for free..He's a good kid.

My husband's dad is even sick of this place. He stays bc the mom won't move. They came from Latin America to make a better life for their kids but the Dad is ready to leave but his mom has a small biz here and won't relocate..EVER
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2015, 01:32 PM
 
153 posts, read 218,413 times
Reputation: 135
Why is it that all of the "He's the man of the household" or "You will have to wait until the kids are adults" answers are coming from MEN??????
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2015, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Happy wherever I am - Florida now
3,360 posts, read 12,246,340 times
Reputation: 3908
Get his brother accepted to a college in San Diego and see how quickly she wants to move, especially when you are all there.
Honestly, I think even she would like California better with the concentration of Spanish culture.

Look into some senior housing for them there and get together some local area things that may interest her such as activities, churches, business opportunities, etal even some contacts that could get in touch with her. Latin families are very close so expect that you will all eventually be there together. Looks like you're going to have to be the instigator. (Bring some boxes over to her house and start them packing)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2015, 01:42 PM
 
Location: Between the Bays
10,786 posts, read 11,277,550 times
Reputation: 5272
You move here, married someone, had their kids, and expect to relocate them while you were the one that moved here in the first place. Sounds selfish of you. Get divorced, but don't expect to automatically get custody of the kids, unless you want to drag it out a few more years first.

Other than having your side of the family nearby, not sure why you think your QOL would be so much better elsewhere. You make enough money. You should be living perfectly fine wherever you are (assuming you can definitely bring your salary with you).

Maybe start by just changing neighborhoods around here. Rather than pull him across the entire county. You'll fight no matter what coast your on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:07 AM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top