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I don't mean you're desperate for sex. I mean, is the sex really good and that's why you're putting up with an increasingly impossible situation? It happens.
So basically you have no idea how to treat conflict with one another and now it has finally reached a point where that is causing tension within the relationship where their is otherwise none
It's a "cause and affect" relationship.
"You did this so I won't do this"
"I didn't do anything so you need to leave me alone"
The only way to approach that is both being on board with how to deal with personal conflicts under the same set of rules and logic and not allowing the other to make **** up as they go.
How severe is the OCD and what is he doing to treat it? I have a mild case of it, but when it gets intense for some people, it manifests almost as a sort of narcissism. I watched my roommate try to deal with it in her last relationship, and it was terrible. The guy expected every OCD tic of his to be accommodated without trying to meet her halfway. When he basically left her on her own to deal with major surgery, she ended things, thankfully.
ohhh???
It is not that extreme. No meds for it and no closing doors 5x or stuff like that. His can't have any change in his house. He cleans a lot but only certain areas (weird). Cars are super clean, kitchen, too. But hallway is full of clutter, never dusted.
Sometimes he insists on things in general without being open to negotiate or compromise - that make me wonder. He usually has great common sense but sometimes he just doesn't make sense and I wonder if this is him, his depression, OCD or whatever.
My wife an I come from a background of dealing with team conflicts. For us we treat relationship conflicts much like we would any interpersonal issues in The workplace. Functionally and fundamentally they operate the same.
How you choose to handle that conflict determines whether it works to an advantage, or contributes to a demise.
This is the most important aspect to remember going in to handling your conflicts with one another.
1) Acknowledge the conflict.
The conflict has to be acknowledged before it can be explored and resolved. Most people will ignore the first signs of conflict, and ignore it as trivial, or is difficult to differentiate from the normal, healthy debate that teams can thrive on. If you are concerned about the conflict in your team, discuss it with other members. Once you have both recognizes the issue, it can start the process of resolution.
2) Discuss the impact.
As a couple discuss the impact the conflict is having on the dynamics/health of your relationship.
3) Make a cooperative plan for going forward. A process.
You BOTH must agree to cooperate in to resolve your shared conflicts. This means putting aside your personal feelings first. If one of you wants to "win" more than you want to resolve the conflict, you're going nowhere. It's about the issues not yourself.
4) Agree to communicate..
keep communication open. Both people need to talk about the issue and discuss their feelings while the other listens, because to move on you need to really understand where the other person is coming from.
Honestly eve....I would not recommend trying to work this out by yourselves. Do this in conjunction with a counselor or someone who can help mediate and guide you both through a process. Someone who has a understanding of conflict resolution.
You will have a very difficult time on your own getting in line with one another to work on anything productively in the beginning.
Last edited by rego00123; 08-24-2015 at 04:24 PM..
Reason: Phone...wasn't easy to type that out.
So what happened at counseling (I presume couple and not mental counseling)?
It was a female therapist (mistake), and she partially agreed on my side and partially agreed on bf side but in the end, bf didn't take her seriously because she is a woman (and therefore on my side) and didn't write anything down (which made him think she didn't give a crap) and didn't say much and therefore is just a quack who has no idea about us as people and our needs.
Basically she said we moved in too quickly.
And that if I don't like what he says or does, I can just leave .... since he is not holding me hostage.
My wife an I come from a background of dealing with team conflicts. For us we treat conflicts much like we would any interpersonal issues in the same manner.
How you choose to handle that conflict determines whether it works to an advantage, or contributes to a demise.
1) Acknowledge the conflict.
The conflict has to be acknowledged before it can be explored and resolved. Most people will ignore the first signs of conflict, and ignore it as trivial, or is difficult to differentiate from the normal, healthy debate that teams can thrive on. If you are concerned about the conflict in your team, discuss it with other members. Once you have both recognizes the issue, it can start the process of resolution.
2) Discuss the impact.
As a couple discuss the impact the conflict is having on the dynamics/health of your relationship.
3) Make a cooperative plan for going forward. A process.
You BOTH must agree to cooperate in to resolve your shared conflicts. This means putting aside your personal feelings first. If one of you wants to "win" more than you want to resolve the conflict, you're going nowhere. It's about the issues not yourself.
4) Agree to communicate..
keep communication open. Both people need to talk about the issue and discuss their feelings while the other listens, because to move on you need to really understand where the other person is coming from.
It makes sense. But there are certain issues that I cannot even mention anymore (him texting a lot) because the moment I even look when the phone is beeping, he gets defensive.
Or he says I exaggerate. Which is sometimes true and sometimes not.
Sounds like the sex fog is wearing off. In reality, the relationship is mostly built on physical attraction, finances, etc. My guess is that you have some huge differences on fundamental issues, that will probably never resolve. Honestly, you sound like you've had more serious fights and than some couples have over their entire marriage. It isn't going to work.
Sounds like the sex fog is wearing off. In reality, the relationship is mostly built on physical attraction, finances, etc. My guess is that you have some huge differences on fundamental issues, that will probably never resolve. Honestly, you sound like you've had more serious fights and than some couples have over their entire marriage. It isn't going to work.
But then how come we agree on the basics? Finances, future, goals, work, friends, politics, opinions ...
We went away for 4 days and had the most wonderful trip - agreed on everything there. Which route to take, which hotel, how to split the bill, what to look at, sitting in the car 7 hours/day ... .
Then we came back home and 5 days later had another nasty fight about something dumb.
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