GF wants to Breakup even though I am committed!! (man, loving, personality)

[Christmas123]

Originally Posted by ocnjgirl

She was married for 22 years and met you a few months later and became exclusive with you right away?? This was inevitable. She needed time and you are the rebound. No one should jump right into another relationship immediately after ending a 22 year marriage.

To be fair, I was still married in the midst of my divorce when I met her. So, I guess we were the rebound for each other.

[Ceece]

If she wants to break up then let her. There is no other way (and no faster way) of getting to the bottom of things. Either she is playing games, in which case she won't be going anywhere, or she just doesn't want to be with you. You'll know.

[Christmas123]

I really appreciate all the feedback / comments ..... some provide me comic relief, others provide some insight while the rest are making me take a real look at my GF.

As I may have mentioned, my GF is a unique "mix of qualities". Strong traditional woman ideas (non-feminist), typical Virgo woman, living / working within an almost 100% Chinese environment in metro NYC can lead to conflicting ideas .... that is, traditional values with a U.S. slant.

On one hand, she expects the man is to pay for everything .... even if she make the plans.

For my benefit///wanted to share the following. Yes, it may sound that I'm a 50+ loser who makes mid $100K.

#1. I always paid for all dates in the beginning.....and continue to do so now ~90% of the time. As we became more of a "couple", she would at times (mind you, NOT OFTEN) offer to pay for something..... I would let her. I have come to learn that each time she did that...she was uncomfortable. It is not right for a woman to ever pay!!!! WTF!

#2. During our first dispute in January, she sent me the harshest email ever....telling me to "not call her, not visit her at work, not come to her home". She was MAD!! After having none of my texts answered, I left her alone for 6 days without any contact. During that time, there was a snowstorm....part of me wanted to go and shovel her out; but part of me also knew that I may **** her off more. Days later when we reconciled, she wondered why I did not help her..."I should have just come over regardless of what she said".

#3. yesterday we were shopping at Costco to get college supplies for her daughter. I am the Costco member. At checkout, I gave the cashier my Costco & credit cards to pay for everything (only 20% of bill was my things). GF leaned over, said no and replacing my card with hers. Apparently, I did not put up enough of a fuss. I was supposed to insist...slap her hands away...and pay for the order. Several hours later I felt awkward in giving her $30 for my part of the order.

#4. Two months ago, at a family Sunday brunch....I did not get my GF's hint that I was suppose to pick-up the bill for 17 people. Mind you, my GF was going to give me the $$$ money later. My GF screamed at me later that I missed the opportunity to SHOW A GOOD FACE in front of her family....strange thing was her screaming at me came AFTER she told me how she loved me and we were initimate.

#5. GF's work colleague last week .... told a few select people in the office how the fiance (30) of her daughter (24yrs old) just gave her $3 million .... yes, three MILLION dollars.

#6. GF has told me a few times how male friends of hers SEEM more generous than me. I believe when she says that she has no interest in them...not attracted to them...has asked them to stop sending gifts to her. And now, since she has changed phone numbers. One "friend" gave her a $1000 housewarming gift!!

[cindersslipper]

Well, whatever.

OP you are invested.

She is not.

You cannot FORCE someone to love you.

You need to stop going over these old grievances (because they are now in the past, alongside the entire relationship) and figure out how you're going to move on without sacrificing your own pride or maturity.

That's what grownups do.

At times like this, yes wallow in the grief, cry, watch sad movies, eat icecream - but ONE WEEK ONLY.

Then you have to do what the rest of the world does on a Daily Basis - put your problems in a box, put your shoes on, and carry on regardless.

There is a loving female out there just waiting in the wings - but the universe wont give her to you while you are still chasing a Dream.

Because that's what the relationship was - a dream = your reality, not hers.

Also, from what you say about the cash gifts - she's already got her new man lined up.

[Ruth4Truth]

a) Very traditionally Asian (gifting, putting up a good front/face, etc.)

b) You can't win with this woman.

c) The more you post, the more it really does seem to be about money.


Are you sure this is what you want?

[beweirdess]

Originally Posted by Christmas123

GF has said several times, it is her problem. She feels that maybe she is NOT SUITED to be in any relationship.
Asking other women on this site .... am I crazy to continue hitting my head against the wall?

I think you probably met her in the wrong time for her. She obviously has a lot on her mind, and women often won't disclose it for fear of being perceived as hysterical/dramatic, unless you start that kind of conversation with her, in which she indirectly senses that it's OK for her to be honest about her fears. It is possible that indeed she is afraid it's too good to be true, or god knows what else.

It may work if you start a random conversation in which you kind of reflect on your past relationships, your doubts and fears and on the current situations and the things that make you happy, etc., and engage her in that. She may be able to leak what the actual issues are.

Also, the best kind of relationships are the ones based on free will, not on promises and guilt. If it works for you, tell her that you like her and want to be with her for as long as it will work. And if the relationship falls below your standards or hers, either one of you can just leave. If I divorce, this is the only kind of arrangement I would be willing to get into. Knowing both partners can leave whenever takes away the fear of being trapped in the long run, and also makes both partners give their best in a relationship and not take each other for granted.

[Mikala43]

You complain and give all these bad examples of your GF, but you are wondering how to make her stay together with you?

Did you forget the totally committed part? Or are you trying to get us to say your GF is unreasonable?

Either way, if she doesn't want to be with you not much you can do. You may want to talk to a professional about why you want HER.

[beweirdess]

Now that I read that she's Asian, there are a few other things to add. It's really hard to make a relationship work when such big cultural differences exist. In the part of Europe where I am from men are also expected to pay for everything, but I would never expect my SO to cover the bill for my entire family, unless that was the initial arrangement.

Not sure if that's cultural or personal, but this woman seems obsessed with money. With the extra examples you gave, as well as her making you feel "guilty" for potentially not being able to fully support her, this whole situation is kind of fishy. Is it possible that she secretly hopes you'd transfer a large amount of money to her account (as a sign of commitment), after which she leaves with no trace?

Again, the best kind of relationship to suggest to her is one in which you see each other for as long as you are both interested (with no marriage or anything like that), and if either one of you is not happy, then they are free to leave. That'll show if she's really into you.

[augiedogie]

She doesn't want you. She probably wants her freedom, has met someone else or wants someone else or she just wants to play the field and enjoy attention from more than one man. Let her go.

[ellie]

She's a prostitute. Really.

No genuine love would insist on receiving the kinds of financial gifts your gf is asking for.

Gather up your remaining self-esteem and set yourself free of that leech.