Would you considered this to be "Controlling"? He controlling? (dating, movies)

[thestaircase]

I'm sorry, but if someone is not Chinese culture. It just harder for them to understand the tremendous PRESSURE I'm going through with my family, and the Chinese community of where my mother live.
I'm being completely disown by my whole Chinese family, including the Chinese community where I grow up at. Why? Because I married a guy with an ethnicity that my parents disapproved.
It is fair for him and me? NO!! It not fair for both of us. But this is life, welcome to the rigid traditional Chinese culture life.

I just wish please please please, I wish my parentes just stop put tremendous PRESSURE on me. I can only take so much, I don't know when I will have an emotional break down.
Everytime I come back visit my old Chinese, all I heard is my mother belittle me, scold at me. Judge me, put me down, say all kinds of hurtful things at me.
And this poor husband of mine. He does NOT deserve any of this.

You know what? I admire those that have their family support. My marriage have zero support from my Chinese family.
I have ZERO family support, ZERO family to turn to.

It hurts when I see other married couples out there who have both side of in-laws happily accept them. And their children have both side of grandparents. And they have their family full support and help them in their hard time.

I know I Don't have this blessing this lifetime. I know my Chinese side of the family will Never be a part of life, Never be a part of my children life.
It really suck, but I have no regrets. I do love my husband, that why I choose him over my Chinese family.. But it sure hurts when your whole family disown you. It just hurts alot alot and alottttttttt!!

[thestaircase]

Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it. But I want to clarify this, I tried counseling and therapist already.

I did try Counseling in the past to talk about my childhood. This is was before I got married.. The counseling wasn't much helpful, because I still have alot of doubts about myself and my marriage. And I still let my mother drive a wedge into my marriage.

Since last month, I have try Therapist, an Asian-American therapist. It didn't help much, if it help much then I wouldn't be here asking for advice in this thread.
My therapist said it claer clear that this is NOT a husband problem. But it is MY problem.
My therapist said, she see ZERO in anything wrong in my husband. She said my husaband doesn't need counseling, because it NOT a husband problem.

I don't know if I should keep continue going to this current therapist or not. I feel that I'm too fixated in my own traditional Chinese culture thinking, fixated my own rigid thinking. That I don't know if a therapist can help me snap out of it.
My therapist even admit that my normal meter is very broken.
My therapist said I don't know how to appreciate my husband.

I don't know if being a marriage, being a wife, is something meant to be for me, let alone being a mom.
I stay in this marriage it becasue I love this my husband. But deep down inside I know a marriage is probably not meant for me.
In my orginal post, I talk about my childhood experience with my abusive mother. Becasue of this childhood, I go after freedom and independence. To me it like air, life is meaningless to me if I don't have freedom and independence.

I ask for clarity in life. But to be frank, I know what I want in life.
I like to be alone. I like to go where ever life drift to me. I like hiked the mountain by myself. I like to drive hours to the top of the mountain. I love to travel alone to different places.. I'm just so used to be a wanderer, the independent and carefree girl.

My whole life, I have one goal and only one goal. If I can't complete this goal, I feel that my life is incomplete and I will never be happy.
I want to go to poor third world countries to do volunteer/charity works, help those hungry/orphaned childrens there.
I want to go to Africa or back to my homeland China. Do chairty work, help hungry children there. Perhaps died there. Perhaps this is the life that can give me internal peace and happiness.
Like Missionary work, without the religious preaching.

I don't have the ambition to top sucessful in life, because my definition of independence is different.
There are people out there who are in misionary groups, who do volunteer/charity in third word country.

I just want to be a bird fly free in the sky, where I'm not being hold down by anyone/anything. Because of my childhood experience, this is very important to me. I need to be able to fly free like a bird.
I don't know if this marriage was meant for me.
I'm not even sure if I can function right without my husband. I know I love him, but half of me is still yearning to go to third world country do volunteer/charity works.

I want to clarify that I did try Couseling and therapist, it not helping much. I can continue to try, but with the way I am, I don't know when I can snap out of it.
I just feel sad for my husband. Perhaps he married the wrong wife, I don't even know if this marriage is fair for him.
He trying his best to secure everything for me. From financial to emotional.
All he wants is a baby, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for a baby. Here I am still think of going to third world country do charity work an died there. I know my normal meter is broken, I don't even know if I can find a right therapist to help me fix it.

Perhaps I need to find another therapist.
My problem is I love my husband too, I love him enough to choose him over my family. But I'm struggling alot inside, it just sooooo harddddd for me.

[Kibbiekat]

But why does any of that make you want to keep a bad job instead of working up to a better one?

[freezengirl]

It sounds like you and your husband are talking past each other and not listening to what each other is saying. I have been married to a man for 30 plus years that is much like the way you describe your husband. In a time of great trouble in our marriage when we could not hear each other, could not talk to each other and could not trust each other with our bruised hearts we almost let the pain end our relationship. Some discussions are to fraught with emotion to have in any kind of coherent way when we need to listen with our hearts.
Here is what helped us: Write out your feelings in a letter. Think carefully about what you want him to understand about how YOU feel about the situation. Take the time to clarify your thoughts and write them out addressing the letter to him. Say what is in your heart. Ask him to read your letter and after he has time to think about it, ask him to write his own letter to you. Keep the letters going between you both until you can calmly and with trust sit together and LISTEN when each of you feel ready to talk. If things get to tense or painful go back to writing letters to open communication.
I hope this helps you both.

[Cida]

It's hard to say whether he's "controlling." That's not a word I really like.

But what I'm thinking is:

-Much of what he's saying makes sense.
-You should consider maybe seeing a therapist/counselor to discuss some of your past issues.
-You could be making a lot of money with your language and typing skills! Why don't you find something you love to work at that will pay well?

[thestaircase]

I answered all the question about therapy, in my reply #22 on page 3 right here above.
I talked about my past counseling experience, and my current experience with my current therapist, in the above reply.

This Office job have been on his mind for a while. He said because I know how to use well Microsoft Office: Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint and Word. And I type over 120 word per minute. And I speak fluently 3 languages.
I did work at a Chinese dentist office job once, but it was a long time ago in the past. I guess that does count that I did have some experience.
He thinks it wasted if I don't use my skill to get an Office/desk job. He doesn't want me to run around on my feet.

There alot of Chinese Doctor/dentist offices, business offices here in my area, it not hard to find an office desk job.
Perhaps my husband is right, and I know he thinking for the best interest for me. But my normal meter is so broken that I interpret his caring as controlling. Even my therapist said my normal meter is very broken.

Heck, you know what. I should just start looking for an office job starting on Monday. Just so he be happy. He sacrifice alot and compromise in this marriage. Perhaps it time for me to do something back to compromise with him.

Moderator cut: delete

[Kibbiekat]

So WHY do you want to keep a job you don't like?

[ellie]

Why don't you get an office job for awhile and see if you like it? With your skills you might earn a lot more than you do selling shoes. You sound stubborn and unreasonable. Listen to your husband because he obviously cares for you and your health.

[zentropa]

Ishe, why do you have two accounts?

http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/2244665-consider-abuse-he-have-anger-serious.html

[thestaircase]

I already answer the question in my reply #26 above.
I have not post in here since May. I also buy a new Laptop. And now I can't log into my old username, it keep say wrong password.
I think I forget my password. But then I'm sure I remember my password very well, it just very weird. Maybe it the new Laptop.
I'm going to try to reset it. Once I'm able to log in, I will post with my old username. I'm sorry for any inconvenient.

Anwyays, thank you for those that give me advice. I'm going to talk ot my husband more when he back from his work today.

Well after many years of living in a low rent area neighborhood, it time to move.
The rent here is cheap, it help us save More money each month, added to our saving.
Once we move out of this low rent neighborhood is when we Buy/own our house.
We are at the possition that we have decent amount in saving for a house down-payment in 2016, and in a comfortly possition to pay mortgage.

My husband think an Office job would be better for me since 2016 approaching, and I promise him we TTC next year.
Thank you for the advice, I realized I'm stubborn, and I over-analytical everything, I'm prone to anxiety.

I know he just want the best interest for me. I should listen to him and try the Office job.
There alot of Chinese Doctor/dentist offices, business offices here in my area, it not hard to find an office desk job. I should start looking Monday. Thank you again for advice.