Would you considered this to be "Controlling"? He controlling? (wives, how to)

[thestaircase]

Hello, I'm sorry this a longgg post. I know everyone time is precious, so please skip it if you don't have the time to spare. Thank you very very much, and I really appreciated for your help give me advice. Please tell me if my husband is controlling or not. And what would you do if you in my situation.

A bit of my background, I feel that perhaps this is the roots of my problem.. I didn't have a good childhood. I grow up hearing my mother belittle me, verbally/emotionally abusive to me, and taking out her anger on me. It is the daily verbally abuse and belittle that strip down all my self-worth. To her, I worth less than a dog on the street.
I left my mother house more than a decade ago, and started my life over from scratch. It was really hard being a girl and alone out there in life, but it was all worth it because of freedom. I'm not a fish in a bowl, I'm not a bird in a cage, I'm not a remote control for my mother to control.

All my life, I work at miminum wage jobs. It not alot of money, but I was able to survived on my own without anyone help. I don't need my controlling mother at all.
To me the minimum wage jobs help give me self-worth. It help me know that I at least worth something, that I'm not worth less than a dog on the street like how my mother belittle me.

I was able to make my own choice for my own life, this was what I always goes after. Freedom and independence is the most important thing to me, to me it is like breathing.

Fortunately, I'm married to a very patience and understanding guy. My husband know all about my emotional childhood baggage and he accept it all. He accepted me for who I am.
I make it very clear that after marriage and when we have kids. I will always continue to work minimum wagef job. And he okay with it, because he knows how much this minimum wage job help give me with my self-worth.
NEVER once he went back on his words one me.. But now seem like he change his mind, regarding let me work when pregnant and after have kids.

Right now I work in Retail (Shoe department), pay hourly and commission. In Retail you have to be on your feet, running back and forth cashier register, get shoe for customers to try on, etc...
It not always busy. But it will definately get busy when the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season come.

My husband have baby fever. And I promise him that we TTC in 2016, and it approaching up.
He is the type of husband that always let me have things my way so I can be happy. He doesn't argue with me, he doesn't disagree with me. So far there no fighting or arguemnts in our marriage.. It been a smooth and peaceful marriage. So peaceful that ugh.. sometimes I ask myself, if me and him are normal or not.

Well, now he no longer let me have things my way. He now voice his opinion and said his needs. He said that I should quit my Shoe Retail job, and get an office job instead.
An Office job like receptionist, any office/desk type of job. As long as I be sitting instead of running around on my feet. And his reasons are below:

---An Office job will be better for me during pregnancy and post-pregnancy. Since we will TTC in 2016, he said I should start looking for an Office job now.
He doesn't want me to carried my pregnant stomach be on my feet getting shoe for people to try on, like how my Retail job is right now.. He make it very clear that he doesn't want me to be pregnant, and work in Retail, at all.

---He said because I know how to use well Microsoft Office: Microsoft Excel, Powerpoint and Word.
And I type over 120 word per minute. And I speak fluently 3 languages. He thinsk I should use these skills to get an office job.
I did work at an office job once, but it was a long time ago in the past. But that do count as I have some experience.
He thinks I should use my skills and previous experience to go find an office job now.
He said any office job I want, Chinese Dentist office, Chinese Doctor office, business office, anything I want. As long as it an office job.

---My husband does work alot. He work 1 full time job m-f weekdays. And 1 part time job sat-sun weekend.. So he wants us to spend time together as much as we can.
We always eat late dinner together. But when Retail job get very busy during Thanksgiving Black Friday/Christmas time, I will have to work late and miss out dinner with him.
He doesn't' want me to work late during holiday time in Retail. He wants me to be at home and spend holiday family time with him.

---He said he make enough for me to stay home. So if I want to work, it MUST be an Office job. Or else stay home, TTC and give birth to a healthy baby.
He far far from rich, but he does make almost 4 times more than me. Financially it not a problem.
We both are Not big spender, and we both are Debt-free. He alone make $70,000 a year, sometimes a bit more. I know he doing fine by himself alone with his income.

But I feel that he not getting it, it NOT about the money. It about my childhood experience, and my need of freedom and independence.
Arg! But he make it loud and clear that If it not an Office job. Then he wants me to stay home give birth, and stay home take care of the baby.

---He knows I married him resulted in my family disown me. My mother didn't approved him, she thinks I bring shame to the family. And make her 'Lose face" to the close-knit Chinese community where she live.
I have alot of pressure from my family and the Chinese community where my mom live. I feel "isolated" because I have zero family support, zero family to turn to.
He knows all about this, and he knows how "isolated" I feel. So get an Office job at Chinese Dentist/Doctor office. Perhaps it can let me be closer to the Chinese environment and closer to my roots.

I know my husband probably just want the best for me. But what bothering me is that he knows all about my childhood struggling. He knows how important independence is to me. He knows how much I hate when someone trying to make choices for my life.
I struggle alot internally inside, I fight so hard to break free from my mother controlling. I fight hard to have the freedom that I have right now, the freedom to make my own choice.

But now my husband is making the choice for me. He pick a job for me to work, the job that he wants aka Office job. He make it loud and clear that it must be an Office job, or stay home and let him support me.

I don't love Retail, I don't love running around getting shoe for customers to try on. But Retail was my choice, the choice I make.. Just like the choice I make when I chose him over my family. But I have no regrets, because it my choice, the choice I that make myself.
Now I feel that he trying to take my freedom to make a choice.. If now I listen him and get the office job just because he told me so. That means I lose this battle, the battle I fight so long to get my freedom and independence.

Is what my husband doing is controlling? Just to be fair to him, he does have the tendency to be over-protective. Like he doesn't let me to climb on a chair to change the dead lightbulb on top of the ceiling. He worried I will fall off the chair.. He doesn't let me carried supermarket bags, he doesn't let carried laundry. He prefer to carried it all for me.
He doesn't let me do anything heavy around the house at all. All the maintenance and heavy things around the house he volunteer do it. All I have to do is cook and wash dishes.

He keeps pressing me to start looking for an Office job now. Frankly, I don't have have listen to him and keep work in Retail. But then I feel that there will be an Argument going on, because he make it very clear that he wants me to work in an Office job environment.
I don't know what to do. Half of me think that he right, because office job is better for me during and post pregnancy. But then half of me is fighting inside, because of my childhood, I hate hate it when someone make a choice for me and for my life.

What would you do if you under my situation? If you in my marriage, what would you do? Regarding my husband and his keep pressing for me to get an Office job.
I'm sorry for the long post and vent, but I want to get this off my chest. It just so much struggling I have inside, all these internal conflicst inside I keep having.

This year I'm 30, he's 29 (he turn 30 next month in Sept)
I don't know if the baby can wait, but I promise him we TTC in 2016 next year.

[Tia 914]

Well, for starters, he shouldn't be telling you what you can and cannot do.
It's one thing for him to offer advice or suggestions, but the final decision should be yours.

[germaine2626]

How long have you been married?
How old are you?

If your biological clock is not running out of time, perhaps you should wait a few years before you have children, especially if you have been married less than five years.

Yes, it does sound demanding that he is ordering you to do a certain job, even though you are very happy doing your current job. Normally, a spouse can suggest things but demanding that their spouse do something usually is not right.

However, have you considered how difficult it may be to be on your feet all day while you are pregnant? And, getting up and down and constantly leaning over to help people with their shoes may be very hard to do while pregnant. Maybe an office job would be better, but it should be your decision not his decision.

[Mattie]

Your husband sounds like a decent guy, who is acting out of concern for you more than trying to control you. And, he's being far more practical about the difficulty of continuing in your current job while pregnant than you are. I've worked retail, while pregnant, and loved my job. But I was in management, and could sit down when I needed to, and never had to climb or lift anything.

It sounds as though you work in a department store? Why not approach HR and ask if there are any openings in the offices there? Retail does require office help too.

[thestaircase]

My husband he is a planner. He works hard to secure everything for us, financially and emotionally. He always save money for our future baby, save money for rainy days and save for our future. Financially I don't have to worried.

I know I need to talk to my husband again. But I understand him, when he make up his mind on something, it final.
If I keep work on Retails, I know there will be an argument between us. He always let me have things my way so I can be happy.. But when come to carried his baby. He will have a say in his opinion about it.
I climb on a little chair, and he get worried that I will fall. With the way he is, No way he will let me work in Retail being on my feet while pregnant.

I did use the excuse like maternity leave in Office job excuse, I said maybe we should hold back baby plan. But He said stay home and TTC, he make enough for me to stay home. He also does get yearly raise.
He said or start looking for the office job now, and we go as plan TTC next year. I guess he doesn't want me to keep giving excuse and hold back TTC plan.
We back to square one. Get the job that he wants aka Office job.

okay, he pressing me 2 things: Keep my promise that I promise him we TTC in 2016
And get an Office job, if not Office job then he wants me stay home TTC , give birth and take care of baby.

So far he have been an awesome husband. He always protective of me. He affectionated, he caring, he secure everything from financial to emotional. I thought we have an peaceful marriage, until now.. He pressing it to be 'his' ways now.
So pretty much I have no choice? But to get the Office job like he wants? Or else likely we will begin to have arguments and fighting in our marriage?

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by thestaircase

My husband he is a planner. He works hard to secure everything for us, financially and emotionally. He always save money for our future baby, save money for rainy days and save for our future. Financially I don't have to worried.

I know I need to talk to my husband again. But I understand him, when he make up his mind on something, it final.
If I keep work on Retails, I know there will be an argument between us. He always let me have things my way so I can be happy.. But when come to carried his baby. He will have a say in his opinion about it.
I climb on a little chair, and he get worried that I will fall. With the way he is, No way he will let me work in Retail being on my feet while pregnant.

I did use the excuse like maternity leave in Office job excuse, I said maybe we should hold back baby plan. But He said stay home and TTC, he make enough for me to stay home. He also does get yearly raise.
He said or start looking for the office job now, and we go as plan TTC next year. I guess he doesn't want me to keep giving excuse and hold back TTC plan.
We back to square one. Get the job that he wants aka Office job.

okay, he pressing me 2 things: Keep my promise that I promise him we TTC in 2016
And get an Office job, if not Office job then he wants me stay home TTC , give birth and take care of baby.

So far he have been an awesome husband. He always protective of me. He affectionated, he caring, he secure everything from financial to emotional. I thought we have an peaceful marriage, until now.. He pressing it to be 'his' ways now.
So pretty much I have no choice? But to get the Office job like he wants? Or else likely we will begin to have arguments and fighting in our marriage?

It does seem like a big red flag (a sign of danger) that he is demanding things "his way" now. What if you demanded that he give up his second job so that you could spend more time together? Would he say "OK Honey, whatever, you say" or would he say "It is my life and I can do whatever job I want to do".

Wow, he demands that you do things his way because it is his baby??!!??

When you conceive won't the baby belong to both of you?

Have you been married a long time or just a few years?

BTW, if you are only 30 having a baby can wait a few years until you are sure that you are ready. Now, if you said that you were 36 or 38, you may not have as much time, but for most women you have years before your fertility declines.

[NoMoreSnowForMe]

Yes, he's being controlling.

If having peace in your home means you have to bend to his will, then he's being controlling. And if you agree, even if you don't want to, you're allowing it. And if you allow it now, I wouldn't expect it to stop.

I think you better establish yourself as a strong woman in this relationship now. Before you have a kid.

[gouligann]

Not too many husbands would insist that THEY change a lightbulb or carry heavy things for their wives. You say he is affectionate, emotionally supportive with you, kind and caring, and provides financial security for both of you. Your husband sounds like every woman's dream husband.

First of all, no one has the right to control another person. Take into consideration that your husband is a wonderful (sounding) guy and he is NOT your mother. I don't get the feeling from your post that he wants to control you at all. He's only worried and wants what is best for you and your future pregnancy(s).

I suggest that you and your husband make a compromise... Tell him you will ONLY work in an office while you are pregnant and then after you give birth, you will take another retail job. If doing this small thing will keep the peace in an otherwise wonderful marriage, (or so it sounds) then put your thoughts of your controlling mother and horrible childhood behind for a short time.

[thestaircase]

Thank you everyone for the advice. Thank you "gouligann".

This is the 5th year since we met, dated and married. I drag this relationship longer than it should. Because of my childhood experience, I constantly test his love and his patience. And he passed it all. He really understanding and patience with me.

In denfense my husband, it NOT his fault that my abusive Chinese mother disapproved him. My mother disapproved him solely because of his ethnicity, she doesn't like his ethnicity.
His ethnicity is irrelevant in this topic.

Because of my childhood. I tends to constantly find faults in my marriage, I try to find faults in him. And he always try his best to secure me in everything.
People told me it not a husband problem, it all MY problem. And I need to work on my emotional childhood baggage.

This Office job have been on his mind for a while. He said because I know how to use well Microsoft Office: Microsoft Excel, Powerpoint and Word. And I type over 120 word per minute. And I speak fluently 3 languages.
And I did at an office job once, eventhough it was a long time ago in the past. But that do count as I have some experience.
He thinks I should use my skills and previous experience to go find an office job now.

He said let him take care of me. He said long gone are the days when I have to work in Chinese noodles restaurant wash dishes and do waitress.
Long gone are the days I had eat rice with soy sauce just to save money. Long gone are the days when I have to live in Homeless shelter I first left my mother house, I didn't have a place to stay right away so I have to sleep in Women shelter. But that was a decade ago.
My life is fine now, marriage been so peaceful and smooth.

He said put all those hard days behind me. And let him take care of me. I understand his good intentions. But I always have my guard up, I build up walls inside myself to protect my emotions. You know what I mean?

I be frank, I'm a very difficult girl to live with, I can be exhausted. Due to me constantly testing his love. He is a saint to put up this much with my emotional baggage.

He a caring guy and he thinks of me first. For example, 1 job he get pay weekly, and 1 job he get pay bi-weekly.
Every time he get pay, he always bring back those news $100 dollars bills, with the (s) as in more than one $100 dollars bills. He puts it in the wallet at home for me.
Every.single.time. he get pay he do that. He not a selfish guy at all.

He said spend it on anything I want. Go shopping and spend it, buy things for myself.
But I don't want to spend it, because I myself have a job too. And from my original post, I already explain. I value independence above all.

I told him I put the money in the saving, we use it for emergency days.
Because I don't spend it, the money add up by itself weekly. I can't have these cash laying around, so I have to put it in the saving. He really not a selfish guy.

I know he work hard for our future. And I appreciate him for that. It just I struggle alot inside due to my childhood. Pehaps he right that my skills is wasted if I don't work in office job.
I don't love Retail. Who would want to run around get shoe for customers? But I'm fighting it because of my childhood. Maybe I'm stubborn myself. My normal meter must be somewhat broken due to my childhood. Perhaps I interpret his good intentions into him being controlling.

[fumbling]

Sounds like a compromise you should be able to make, but if you feel strongly about it, then just keep doing what you want and tell him it's your dream and stop complaining. You don't tell him what his job should be so he shouldn't tell you what your job should be.