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This is the wisest thing I have ever heard you say.
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I was the other poster she mentioned, and those "minimum requirements" were intended to be ridiculous. It's when you've had a bad relationship with a man, but he thinks he was so, so good to you because he never hit you, and he made some money (both partners working) to support the household, and if anyone had ever broken in, he'd have shot them.
So, he's the ideal mate, in his own mind. He "treated me well." Supposedly.
Just in case anyone's wondering, the OP was not projecting her stuff into that, it was more a matter of "this is worth thinking about and discussing, perhaps." A train of thought.
So! What do I NEED in a partner...
We need to connect intellectually, and they have to appreciate my snarky humor. If they don't get my references and jokes, or we can't have interesting conversations, that's a no-go right from the beginning. They have to be openminded and tolerant. I'm OK with not agreeing about everything, but if they can't accept differing opinions and have a need to argue with me until I capitulate and agree with their position...forget it. We have to have SOME common interests, or at least not utterly clashing ones, so that we can enjoy things in life together. If both of us look at what the other likes in terms of hobbies and interests and says, "Oh, hell no, I could never" then that is a problem.
He's got to be a man. Not an oversized child. I'm not chasing wealth, but functionality...so he can support himself, he's able to live within his means, and also he has enough emotional strength and sense of self worth that he's not desperately dependent on another person to make him feel valuable as a human being.
There cannot be anything physically that completely and totally puts me off. I'm not talking about a guy having to be super hot, but if he's always got boogers hanging in his nose, or if he's got squinty, twitchy mannerisms that drive me nuts, or really nasty teeth, I won't want to be physical with him. At least average looking.
He must be willing to be loved. I love very easily (totally blame my hippie mother) and when I do, that isn't me saying that I need them to be my one and only until we die, or let's move in together, or that they need to make any kind of a commitment at all. Some men, however, for whatever reason, are terrified of being loved. Like it's some kind of a trap. Well, it's not. When I give something freely, I'm not demanding anything in return.
They have to be able to communicate honestly about relationship dynamics. No secrets there. No married men who want to cheat on their wives. And if he's got other lovers, fine, just so long as none of them think that there is nonexistent exclusivity and I don't either. We all know where we stand and no one is lying or playing cover-up with the situation. I'm ok with poly and open dynamics, as long as it's all above-board.
It can't be all about him, or all about me. I want a man who will demand and expect his needs to be met, and communicate them...not a pushover...and one who will respect me in the same manner, and we can both care about the wellbeing of the other and not be completely selfish OR self-effacing.
We have to WANT to be together, not HAVE to be together due to some circumstantial duress.
Oh, and an interest in kink and compatibility with mine, and great sex, that's pretty important, too.
Yes, this is a tall order. Might be a lifelong quest. But it's the journey, not the destination, right?
"not to be beaten, to be protected and provided for"
None of those are anywhere my list of requirements. The first is simply a given. It's like saying "I want a man who wipes his own ass." It's a basic criteria for being even remotely human, let alone something I require in a partner.
As for the second, well what are they gonna protect me from? I'm 39 years old and have gotten along quite well on my own thus far.
And provided for? Well, I do that myself just fine too.
What I would require from any guy to constitute a "great" relationship:
-Someone I trust to make good decisions in my absence.
-Responsibility
-Someone who has my back to the same degree that I have his.
-Kindness
-Resilience
-A decent sense of humor and ability not to take himself too seriously
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I want love
