Ex-girlfriend broke up and left me for colleague after 6 years (dating, married)
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OK so I'll put my story here in the hope some people can help me with my problem.
It has been 2+ months since my ex-gf broke up with me after a 6 year relationship. I am currently 30 years old while she is 23.
Before the breakup everything was great (in my opinion). She was with me every day of the week (she did not live with me yet due to religion), we still went out on 'dates', we still had sex often and discussed marriage/kids (even one week before the breakup). I treated her with respect, I never beat her or cheated on her and honestly I'm a very nice guy.
One evening she went out with friends, I did not see any problem with that obviously. That night I felt something was wrong, she did not message me a lot like she normally would. The days after I still felt was off and tried to figure out what it was. 3 days afterwards she asked me to 'talk' and broke up with me. My heart shattered in a million pieces. She did not want to give me any clear reason why, I even asked her if there was someone else and she told me "I would never do that to you after 6 years". The day after I still tried to ask her why she wanted to break up and she told me "others influenced her to break up". 3 days after the breakup she came to get her stuff at my place, we talked for 1,5 hours and I noticed she wasn't sure of her decision but eventually hold ground.
Because I did not believe everything she said I just had to check her facebook account. As you would've probably have guessed I found out she had been going on a date with a colleague. I have never felt so bad in my life. I even had the decency to not wake her up and I simply could not sleep the whole night. That morning I had to call her, I was angry and panicked. She did not admit at first but obviously she had to.
During the 3 weeks after the breakup, I made several attempts of getting her back. Begging/Pleading, you name it, everything from stopping her to get with this other guy. After 2 weeks of the breakup I felt like something bad had happened. The day after she came to visit my place and asked me things like "would you still want me if I had been with someone else?" and "Maybe we can have a sex relation". Obviously I asked her If she had sex with him. At first she said she did not but eventually she admitted having sex with him and she was in a relationship with him now. 3 weeks after the breakup I even had sex with her (yes I know I was weak) because she told me I was way better in bed...
The weeks afterwards she wanted to hang out with me quite a lot. I gave in because I still loved her so much and still hoped she might come back to me. Obviously this only made me feel worse. She did not like talking about our relationship and would get agitated and say things like she would not get back with me, telling me all the things I did wrong and even telling me she already had a holiday planned with him. Obviously the new guy does everything right in her eyes and did more for her than I did in 6 years...
Because my ex kept wanting to hang out with me and wanted me as a 'friend', I had to tell her I did not want to become her friend because I still had feelings for her and I told her it's best to not have contact anymore. She still contacted me quite a lot and wanted to come over.
She kept giving me hope. One time she visited me because she needed an item that was still in my appartment, even though I told her I would bring it to her. She admitted it was an excuse to see me. Also, I know she checks my facebook (I blocked her) through a friend and she even checks to see if i got someone over. She even asks me what my dates look like and what their names are.
She was really desperate to keep me as a 'friend', she told me she did not want to 'lose me'. So for my own health I had to put a stop to this madness and tell her I simply did not want to be friends (again). First she was emotional about my decision but it soon turned into anger. The day after she messaged me again, because I ignored her she called me and even visited my appartment (I was not home) and also send me an e-mail at 1:40 AM (she never stays awake that long so I think she couldn't sleep because of it). In the mail she wrote a lot of angry things like all the things I did wrong but she also said she did not want to lose me as a friend. The day after that she called me again to hang out because she needed a shoulder to cry on (dont know why, she wouldn't tell). I rejected her again and she became furious, eventually hung up the phone and messaged me "She would never contact me again or be friends with me".
That was the last I heard from her and I went in No Contact. It has been 10 days now.
I do know I did some things wrong in our relationship, obviously after 6 years the relationship isn't new anymore and I may have taken her for granted. Still, I do not think I deserved to be treated like this.
Even though she put me through the worst time of my life, I do still love her, after all she has been the girl that I wanted to marry. I've read a lot on the internet and somehow I could understand why she did some of the things. She's still young and I was her first and I think she fits the "grass is greener syndrome". I do not think the colleague is just a rebound since they are still together now. As far as I can tell he's pretty much like me, which isn't a good sign because how can I compete with someone who's like me ?
So yes in other words... I still want her back at this moment. It doesn't really matter because I still would have to go through NC or LC in order to get on with my life and forget about her. Perhaps in the future I don't even want her back. Right now, I would do anything for her love but I also now if she has the GIGS it could take a while before she returns, if she ever will...
I know, going No Contact and just forget about her is the easy way but I also know No Contact will probably not get me my ex back.
What do you people suggest if I want to win her back? NC? LC? or become her friend so I can show her i'm the better guy?
She was 17 when you started going together. She hasn't had a chance to see what's out there and develop on her own.
I noticed that, too. I think she has some oats to sow. I'm surprised she went directly into another relationship. Is she afraid to be alone?
The behavior you've described is pretty immature, which is probably on par for her age. No contact would be in your own best interests. She wants to have her cake (new guy) and eat it too (you as a "friend"/occasional sex partner). I would suggest giving up on the notion of trying to win her back or prove you're better than the other guy.
When you were 24, what made you want to date a teenager?
I noticed that, too. I think she has some oats to sow. I'm surprised she went directly into another relationship. Is she afraid to be alone?
The behavior you've described is pretty immature, which is probably on par for her age. No contact would be in your own best interests. She wants to have her cake (new guy) and eat it too (you as a "friend"/occasional sex partner). I would suggest giving up on the notion of trying to win her back or prove you're better than the other guy.
When you were 24, what made you want to date a teenager?
Yes she's pretty immature and yes she can't be alone (she was with me every day), I just never expected her to just leave me. Obviously, she had her eye on that other guy for some time, I don't deny that but I'm sure she did not physically cheat on me before the breakup.
I wasn't intentionally seeking girls of that age but it just so happens... I suppose I'm a bit childish by heart too
"I treated her with respect, I never beat her or cheated on her and honestly I'm a very nice guy."
SNOOOOOOORE. Congratulations, you meet the bare minimum for being a decent human being based on that claim. What more do you bring to the table?
Honestly, it seems to me you went out with a teenager because part of the appeal was her low expectations which dovetailed nicely with your unrealistic ones. You can't start dating someone who is essentially still a child and expect them to want the same thing 6 years later. In fact, the erratic way she seems to be handling this breakup suggests to me that being in a serious relationship with an older guy in a key exploratory phase for most young women has stunted her emotional growth.
Step away and work on yourself, and let her do the growing up she needs to do.
She is 23 and you have been together for 6 years? I think there is your problem.
She needs to get out there and explore. What happened is bad, I am sorry for you, but it was inevitable. It would have happened the sooner or later anyway. Be glad you aren't married and it didn't happen after you guys have had some children.
You need to let her go and don't ler her play around with you.
If she comes back to you later in life, take her or don't take her but for now she needs to do her thing without you.
You probably won't like my advice, but I say let her go and don't contact her again. She obviously realized she didn't want to settle down. 23 is way too young to be getting married, I couldn't even imagine being in a LTR at that age. Just move on and look for someone closer to your own age who is interested in the same things as you.
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