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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76
I agree. I also have to say - I find it odd that one of the reasons that he seems to be getting upset is because he wants to do it on his own terms. Well, if he wants to marry her and she wants to marry him - and she is getting more insecure with each passing day - why not just go ahead and make it official already? This should be something that he is looking forward to - not trying to put off until he feels like she deserves it or something. Now - I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with not wanting to marry her if that's how he feels - just that if he wants to marry her - it should be a happy thing.
With the current circumstances and her behavior, the OP would be marrying under duress at this point, which ain't fair to either. OP needs to establish boundaries with their families and his gf needs to grow up, then I'm sure OP would have less reservation about popping the question.
With the current circumstances and her behavior, the OP would be marrying under duress at this point, which ain't fair to either. OP needs to establish boundaries with their families and his gf needs to grow up, then I'm sure OP would have less reservation about popping the question.
I guess my feeling is that if he really wanted to marry her - he probably would have asked already and the pressure wouldn't bother him. But that's just my feeling based on my previous personal experiences. Let me put it this way - if I really wanted to do something that I was really excited about - nobody could "pressure" me about it. It wouldn't feel like pressure because I would be really happy about doing it.
With the current circumstances and her behavior, the OP would be marrying under duress at this point, which ain't fair to either. OP needs to establish boundaries with their families and his gf needs to grow up, then I'm sure OP would have less reservation about popping the question.
Not really. Just proposing on her timeline instead of his.
If he wants to marry her one day, this should not be an issue.
If he doesn't, he needs to let this woman go. I doubt she's just excessively anxious and insecure. I suspect this particular situation and their families harping about it has made her feel anxious.
He's looking for a guarantee that she's never gonna feel anxious or insecure. I do not think that's a realistic expectation.
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My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We love each other very much. It started out very passionately and we've become a nice combo of best friends/mates. I'm experiencing so much pressure from her and my family to propose! She's 30 and I'm 34. I guess I've always been scared of marriage..normal guy stuff. Well, today I bought the ring! I'm excited, but still a little scared. She is getting very emotional lately asking me when it is going to happen. It really stresses me out because she cries and I feel horrible. What is funny is that she called today just before I bought the ring in a panic worried about our relationship. I had to calm her down and explain that our relationship is fine and we will get married. Basically, I need her to be more secure. I want to marry her, but it takes a toll on me because my family pressures me as well and I'm stressed at work. Has anyone ever felt pressure to get engaged? Have you ladies ever pressured a guy to get married/engaged? Am I just being a big baby? Haha. Just curious your thoughts.
If you are getting engaged because you feel pressured you are with the wrong woman.
Not only insecure, but she seems to suffer from anxiety. It's normal for a woman to want to get married, but crying and panic is not normal. Nor is being "scared of marriage" a "normal guy thing." Sure, some guys are apprehensive about settling down, but fear is not the typical response when you've met the person you want to spend your life with.
Society dictates that marriage is the natural next step for people of a certain age who have been dating for a certain length of time. However, you and she need to do what's right for the two of you. Marriage isn't something to do simply because you're caving in to pressure from all sides. I hope you do some serious self-reflection before you propose. And you and she should have a real heart-to-heart about things.
This is very true. Everyone gets anxious about major life changes (hell, we're welcoming our first child in the next couple of weeks, and while this has been very, very, very much wanted and enormously anticipated, there is also definite anxiousness about how our lives are on the brink of change). But, really, if said big change is eliciting fear and anxiety that is overriding the levels of joy, exhiliration, happy anticipation, etc. that one would feel about such changes if they're truly wanted...you need to recognize that it's not what you truly want.
It's not out of line for her to be anticipating the next step in her chosen progression, which clearly includes marriage to someone once you feel that they're a compatible person with whom you're bonded and want to build a life (to me, it's less about society dictating it, and more about it being her expectation for herself and her life, and that's fine). But if it's NOT something you want, too, and equally...yeah, that's not going to work. If she's having major insecurity and anxiety, it's possible that she's already noted this, on some deeper level.
Wow. Thanks for the input but I do value her. Maybe I am slightly immature, but it isn't like we've dated for 5 years.
Tell your parents to back off and mind their own business. They shouldn't be pressuring you.
Being afraid of marriage isn't "normal guy stuff". If you really loved her, you'd want to get that ring on her, so that no one else could. You'd be willing to swim through shark-infested waters for her. So maybe the other poster was right; maybe you are a little immature, which means marriage wouldn't be right for you at this time. Or maybe you're just not that into her?
Perhaps consider some counseling for yourself, to find out what the fear is about. Did your parents tend to make all the important decisions for you when you were growing up, even in your teens and at college? Were they pushy? Did you not get enough experience making your own decisions? Just wondering.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 09-06-2015 at 02:12 PM..
By the way, contrary to what some believe, it is completely valid to not want to spend years investing in a relationship that's not going to lead to marriage if marriage is something that is important to you. I'm not saying everyone HAS to want to get married, obviously, but for those who do know it's something they want, they're not likely to want to spend much time investing in relationships that aren't ones likely to lead to much.
There aren't very many people who would willingly spend years deeply investing a lot of time, attention, and energy in ANYthing if they knew it wasn't going to lead to something they know they want in their lives.
Thanks. You've given me a lot to think about. Maybe I do need to get some therapy or counseling. I do love my girlfriend and I want to marry her. I guess I have been dragging my feet, though. She must realize this and that is why she is so anxious. I am her first love and it amazes me how much she loves me. It makes me love her that much more.
I also have to share that I met with her family today and told them I wanted to marry their daughter. They all accepted me and gave me their blessing!
I guess there is one more thing that is bothering me. We are both overweight and I want us to lose weight. This isn't a relationship deal breaker, it is a problem for both of us. I love her completely how she is. However, we have argued because I believe the best way to lose weight is to workout and be active. She doesn't want to do that. It is really the only serious argument we've ever had. I don't want this to be something that lingers into our marriage down the line. We've also both gained weight since we started dating and I feel like we might continue because we love eating out.
I think from reading your posts I just need to grow up a little. Get up and out there working out and making things happen. I've tried to do that with the purchase of the ring and meeting with her family.
So long, single life! Hello, engagement!
I guess there is one more thing that is bothering me. We are both overweight and I want us to lose weight. This isn't a relationship deal breaker, it is a problem for both of us. I love her completely how she is. However, we have argued because I believe the best way to lose weight is to workout and be active. She doesn't want to do that. It is really the only serious argument we've ever had. I don't want this to be something that lingers into our marriage down the line. We've also both gained weight since we started dating and I feel like we might continue because we love eating out.
This is valid, and something that you would presumably want to address with anybody you care for, marriage or not. It's kind of a separate issue, though, considering that you note that it has no bearing on whether or not your relationship were to continue.
Does your fiancee similarly wish to lose weight/maintain a healthier lifestyle? Her buy-in will be necessary if you are going to embark upon making lifestyle changes together, and it will be tough if this isn't something that matters to her, or doesn't matter to her in the same way it does to you. Remember that YOU wanting the both of you to lose weight doesn't make it HER priority. What will you do if it's not?
If she IS on the same page as far as wanting a change, she'll need to figure out what she needs to do to make that happen in a way that's amenable to her. When you say she doesn't want to work out and be active, what does that mean, exactly? Work out an be active AT ALL? Not engage in certain activities, but willing to do others? Does she think she can better manage her health through dietary measures alone?
Either way, she has to make the choice to take ownership of this venture. If she's satisfied with her health/weight/lifestyle as it is, how do you feel about that? If she wants to make changes, is it possible she needs guidance and/or support in figuring out what ways will work best for her to work toward what she wants?
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