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Look at it this way: Leaving a scene of pain and rage is a healthy instinct. You got yourself to a safer, calmer place and are reaching out to others for sane, calm advice.
You're not a pile of crap. Flee/Fight/Freeze in a chaotic and violent scene are healthy instincts! Give yourself some credit.
Which may have been triggered by her Brand New Life Partner Packing His Bags and Running Out The Door.
NOT SAYING she's right - but just as he gets the excuse of Childhood Trauma, so does she.
BOTH OF THEM need to grow up or just admit they made a mistake in marrying each other.
Could you explain your perspective? How do we know she had childhood trauma?
It's not an excuse. It's an explanation for why his reaction was to flee, and why he wasn't able to stay at the scene, and handle it calmly, firmly, and constructively.
OP, you need to get her into anger management classes now. even if the3 marriage does not ultimately survive, it will be a benefit for her and her children, as well as yourself, and yes you need to attend the classes as well.
OP, get some treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress. The nervous-system triggers can linger in the body-mind for years, decades, until something comes along to trigger a response again. There's a very effective treatment called EMDR that only takes a few sessions. Google around to find someone near you who offers that.
And I agree with others, of course, that you need to specify that you'll move back AFTER she signs up for anger-management. It would be helpful, even, to draw up a contract to that effect, also specifying that a condition of your staying in the house is that she regularly attends those sessions, and that there are no further incidents at home. It can be helpful to have everything spelled out (it'll be helpful for you to think clearly about what you want in this situation, too, and get it down on paper), and have her sign it, as a sign of her commitment.
You both have a lot of work to do, if you want the relationship to work.
Thank you again for the great advice. Now that you say it and now that I've seen my reaction to her hostility, I believe PTSD may very well be something that I'm dealing with.
The two yelling and swearing incidents last week shook me a little bit but I more or less brushed them off. The incident 3 days ago with the plate showed me that this is a habit with her, a pattern. I have worked so hard in my life to shed the model that my dad showed me growing up. My wife needs help shedding the model that her violent father showed her. She experienced so much pain in life and I'm not going to give up on her, ever.
Thank you again for the great advice. Now that you say it and now that I've seen my reaction to her hostility, I believe PTSD may very well be something that I'm dealing with.
The two yelling and swearing incidents last week shook me a little bit but I more or less brushed them off. The incident 3 days ago with the plate showed me that this is a habit with her, a pattern. I have worked so hard in my life to shed the model that my dad showed me growing up. My wife needs help shedding the model that her violent father showed her. She experienced so much pain in life and I'm not going to give up on her, ever.
hmmm...... So you're both from a similar background in that regard? Well, OP, you have your work cut out for you. I hope it all works out in the end. I hope you both can afford counseling, to say nothing of those poor kids, who undoubtedly also need counseling. Or you, to be their rock, and their go-to guy.
Could you explain your perspective? How do we know she had childhood trauma?
It's not an excuse. It's an explanation for why his reaction was to flee, and why he wasn't able to stay at the scene, and handle it calmly, firmly, and constructively.
Her behavior.
Don't forget we are only getting one side of the pancake.
If she has explosive anger issues like that....WHY? If women display ferocious anger like that, it is often symptomatic of a far deeper issue than just being annoyed.
I note she didn't throw the plate AT him...surely a qualifier?
There is a reason IYKWIM? He married her presumably because he liked her, and it sounds like these episodes are literally out of nowhere.
Maybe she is unwell...maybe she was just FURIOUS for some reason. Maybe she has a mental illness, or maybe she's just a B87ch. Either way its no excuse for a grown man to tear out the door leaving the children behind and at risk (presumably).
What exactly was it about money that set her off? I know money was definitely one of MY triggers back when I had little kids to care for. Fortunately my husband was not a spender and I don't recall one argument about money until after we separated when it became a Control Issue, me dependent on him.
OP also said the kids went running to him in "fear" - I mean, seriously? Why hasn't he called Child Protection?
Don't forget we are only getting one side of the pancake.
If she has explosive anger issues like that....WHY? If women display ferocious anger like that, it is often symptomatic of a far deeper issue than just being annoyed.
I note she didn't throw the plate AT him...surely a qualifier?
There is a reason IYKWIM? He married her presumably because he liked her, and it sounds like these episodes are literally out of nowhere.
Maybe she is unwell...maybe she was just FURIOUS for some reason. Maybe she has a mental illness, or maybe she's just a B87ch. Either way its no excuse for a grown man to tear out the door leaving the children behind and at risk (presumably).
What exactly was it about money that set her off? I know money was definitely one of MY triggers back when I had little kids to care for. Fortunately my husband was not a spender and I don't recall one argument about money until after we separated when it became a Control Issue, me dependent on him.
OP also said the kids went running to him in "fear" - I mean, seriously? Why hasn't he called Child Protection?
No, there's too much here we don't know.
You don't know me at all, but please know that if I believed the children were in any sort of danger I would not have left. You can believe that. She would never hurt her children physically and never has to my knowledge or from what her ex-husband has told me. Yes, the ex is still in the picture with joint custody. I think that you may be correct that these outbursts are not indicative of a pattern rather just being in a very stressful place in life. And yes, you are absolutely correct to call me out on running rather than staying and trying to talk things out.
You don't know me at all, but please know that if I believed the children were in any sort of danger I would not have left. You can believe that. She would never hurt her children physically and never has to my knowledge or from what her ex-husband has told me. Yes, the ex is still in the picture with joint custody. I think that you may be correct that these outbursts are not indicative of a pattern rather just being in a very stressful place in life. And yes, you are absolutely correct to call me out on running rather than staying and trying to talk things out.
Thanks for the direct response.
Again you didn't elaborate on the Money Fight though - maybe money is her trigger.
As far as stressing out when the kids leave stuff lying about - a great way for you to deal with that is to get the kids cleaning their carp up.
Help them by modelling it, and they are far more inclined to do it.
Why WAS the stuff lying on the floor while you were just sat there, btw? Has she got a point in feeling all she does is pick up after you guys?
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Well, OP, you have your work cut out for you. I hope it all works out in the end. I hope you both can afford counseling, to say nothing of those poor kids, who undoubtedly also need counseling. Or you, to be their rock, and their go-to guy. 
