Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Can you clarify: when you said 'she' ^, you're talking about your wife, right?
If so, that could have a lot to do with it- if she's always had trouble spending on herself, your comment about the tv's, etc., could have been taken as an attack.
I was talking about my mom. Her comment was made to illustrate how mothers, in general, will often not take care of themselves and instead put all of their resources into their family and home. I realize not all moms are like this but some are. I believe my wife is like this. I believe she doesn't take enough time for herself, for things that she needs and puts all her energy into other people, to help them. In doing this she puts immense pressure on herself and these outbursts could very well be the result of that. I will do everything I can to make sure my wife has everything she needs. If that means pointing out that tv's and dining room tables are not more important that her own well being, then that's what I'll do.
Good grief, that type of remark would irritate most people! Probably not to the point of throwing plates, of course, but perhaps she felt you were attacking her- claiming she was irresponsible with money.
To be fair, dropping serious money on major electronic appliances and furnishings one week and then complaining the next week about not having enough $$$ for chiropractic visits and massages would be irritating, too, but I notice that the OP didn't start throwing objects over it.
Which is not to say that his commentary was useful in any way. Suggesting better budgeting, and conferring on what is spent on furnishings when money is needed for healthcare/wellness before the money is spent and people come up short would be more effective than "Told you so"-ing after the fact.
At any rate, when this sorts of issues come up, the reasonable thing is to discuss them, not to start throwing furnishings.
I was talking about my mom. Her comment was made to illustrate how mothers, in general, will often not take care of themselves and instead put all of their resources into their family and home. I realize not all moms are like this but some are. I believe my wife is like this. I believe she doesn't take enough time for herself, for things that she needs and puts all her energy into other people, to help them. In doing this she puts immense pressure on herself and these outbursts could very well be the result of that. I will do everything I can to make sure my wife has everything she needs. If that means pointing out that tv's and dining room tables are not more important that her own well being, then that's what I'll do.
I'd almost stake a bet on it that you hit it on target right there ^ .
Gaining better communications skills makes a lot more sense than 'PTDS, childhood trauma, anger management, etc. etc.'
However, if (in this instance, for example), you feel she neglected her own needs in favor of putting the money into family needs, it's something to discuss, not go into attack-mode about.
How to MANAGE your finances you mean - combination is a given in marriage and something you need to already have talked about! Its all part of the Marriage Contract you entered!
That is a douchey comment to make. First of all it was passive aggressive, also did you not notice her purchases were for the family, yours was for YOU?
What about the kids? Do you help or guide them to pick up after themselves, too?
Sorry but you've had time to get a massage, argue about money, locate and pack your own stuff when you left? Yet not time to pick someone elses clothes up? Even if you devote half an hour in the morning and again at night, you would already be sorted!
How long ago did you move in?
Maybe she needs a massage....
Ok, I'll accept that I could have worded my comment to sound less douchey. I'm not relieving myself of any blame in this incident. I am responsible for the things I say. I could have said something like "I wasn't aware that your financial situation was such that you aren't able to afford the things you need to take care of your own well being. How can I help you figure out how we can get you what you need to be healthy and well."
In a previous post I commented about how, for the past 3 weeks I've spent early morning hours before work and hours after work moving my wife's and her 3 children's possessions, clothes, toys, furniture, tv's, dirt bikes, four wheelers, beds, appliances, pots and pans and other stuff.
My visit to the chiropractor was not one of luxury but out of neccessity as I have fused vertabrae and chronic back pain.
No, I don't believe this. She's under a lot of stress right now. So much on her plate. We've moved into a new house, she's swamped at work and the house is in a lot of disarray due to moving. I just don't think she knows how to handle it all.
I wouldn't be making excuses for her because I bet you won't see a change when the stress lessens. The family needs to go to counseling and most likely, she'll need a separate counselor also. Where is the father if no one has asked? The children would be my main concern. She is an adult and acting out this way is just wrong. Terrifying the kids? Bet this isn't the first time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
OP, others may disagree, but I think you shouldn't go back quite yet. I think she needs to get the clear message that her behavior is unacceptable and intolerable, to say nothing of its effect on the kids. Tomorrow's a holiday (do you both have the day off?), so you can negotiate a return tomorrow.
Interesting that you ended up marrying someone who was like your dad, even though you didn't know that's what she was like. Psychologists could have a field day discussing that one.
I think you still need time to think about what you can, and will, put up with, and what you won't. Take this evening to try to think about it with a clear head, now that you're out of her firing range, and the flight response in your system has settled down. Being around her rage clearly triggers old baggage for you (which is perfectly normal), so you need to decide what you can and can't handle, and where to draw the line with her. You may want to consider a limited round of counseling for yourself, to help you sort through and resolve old traumas, and decide what to do in the current situation.
I would think that her signing up for, and actually following through on, anger mgmt sessions would be imperative, and a condition of your return and staying in the family. Just because you return tomorrow (or whenever) doesn't mean you have to stay, if she flies off the handle again.
I wouldn't go back until the family has some counseling sessions together. Actually, it sounds like OP left as a punishment to the wife for her behavior which really isn't appropriate either. He is not the dad. She is not the child. I just feel really sorry for the kids. A lot of women use kids like this to lure men in.
The whole family to counseling. Does the father visit the kids? I think she is nut case and it will get worse. Making excuses for her behavior will become OP's past time. Enabler.
I wouldn't be making excuses for her because I bet you won't see a change when the stress lessens. The family needs to go to counseling and most likely, she'll need a separate counselor also. Where is the father if no one has asked? The children would be my main concern. She is an adult and acting out this way is just wrong. Terrifying the kids? Bet this isn't the first time.
I wouldn't go back until the family has some counseling sessions together. Actually, it sounds like OP left as a punishment to the wife for her behavior which really isn't appropriate either. He is not the dad. She is not the child. I just feel really sorry for the kids. A lot of women use kids like this to lure men in.
The whole family to counseling. Does the father visit the kids? I think she is nut case and it will get worse. Making excuses for her behavior will become OP's past time. Enabler.
I left because I won't be an enabler. My excuses are not to justify her behavior but to illustrate that she is a very good woman and cares and love me and her children deeply. She isn't just some nut case that I'm going to run from. Her hostility is an issue but one that we can overcome.
I just feel so bad for leaving her. I don't think she would ever do that to me. I have shown myself to be the coward and she to be the strong one.
Wife and I married a month ago. She has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Last week she went into a rage at the kids for leaving the remote control on the floor. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and swearing. The next day she did the same thing over the kids leaving bikes in the yard. The kids were terrified during both episodes and came running to me for safety. 3 days ago she and I were in the kitchen talking about money and she gets up throws a plate across the room smashing it and storms out. Again the kids got scared.
This was too much for me so I packed a bag and left. Did I do the right thing? She wants me to come back and says she's very sorry and wants to talk. Please help me with what to do.
Get the rest of your stuff when she is not home.
I find it hard to believe this never happened BEFORE the wedding.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
