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Old 09-08-2015, 06:30 AM
 
19 posts, read 27,257 times
Reputation: 23

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Don't know where to start... I'm here because I didn't know who I could talk to. I never wrote on a message board, but this situation is so different from what I'm used to I feel like it takes uninterested advices from strangers to make me think better.

I'm 24 and I come from a social environment where education and money are important matters and least but not last, honestly I know I look pretty. This for me always meant I could walk into a room and be noticed by many, and it is a reason of pride especially for my mother. This always made her think I am the best thing she has done and always tried to push me to be ambitious, in marriage also.
I'm latina based in the south of France right now, living with both my parents. They run a holiday house rentals business, I have an interior design degree and I use to help them.

This summer I had a one month holiday in the U.S. east coast with my cousin, she is married to a guy whose family owns a cottage there. So I met this blue eyed salty seaman, I immediately liked him, despite the age difference between us (he's 52) and his initial coarseness. Probably he liked me too from the beginning. He's a charterboat captain among his activities so for me it was not hard to get the chance to know him better, I found an excuse to get on his boat, we chatted and surprisingly he asked me out. He is so different from anyone I know. He's crusty, genuinely macho, with a rugged exterior but a wealth of wisecracks, he may have this intimidating demeanor, this "my way or no way" truculence at the beginning, but I knew him better and felt how intense, amazing and brave he is. He's a guy who has seen some **** (sorry for this word), he is a man definitely used to work and hardship, he is battered but not beaten, he's just tough as hell. We have been going out for several weeks until I had to come back home, I had the best time with him, we've been sailing, he showed me a part of him none could imagine (buying flowers, taking me out to dinner, and at the end of my journey he told me that I could move to his place and take care of each other), I cooked for him, he took me out to sea teaching me to fish, we started acting like a couple.
He's a loner and this affair astonished many people living there. I told him I'd have planned my next stay next month and I begun trying to figure out how I could do to move and be with him.

I am having a hard time. I broke up with my ex last year, after I discovered he was much more interested in his money than he was in me. My previous ex cheated on me and after I dumped him he begged me to forgive him. My exes were all such jerks. The type of guys my family liked, socially respectable with good carreers, but they were not real men to me. Sounds like it is the first time I met one. Probably the european community does not offer much in this sense. The problem is that I love my family, I am afraid they will be mad at me when I will tell them what's happening, I won't have their support nor I will have a job easily (for two reasons, first I am not a U.S. citizen, second he is old fashioned and thinks I should be home, he as a man wants to provide). I think I'm going to feel extremely lonely and will miss my family and friends to death if I choose to move, by the way.

The only person I dared to share what I lived with has been my cousin for I was on vacation with her so she even met him, and unfortunately her reaction was "You nuts to believe it could go beyond a summer affair with Captain Achab". She thinks I should try to forget what happened, to put my feelings aside, that this is passion, not love, that I should use brains and that this should remain a beautiful adventure I can tell to my kids when I will have them. She says I'm going to destroy my life if I move there in his "shanty" in a foreign country and that in her opinion he will turn out to be a man no woman would want.

If any of you have some tips or ideas please share. I started think about the possibility something is wrong with me and I need help. Thank you!
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Old 09-08-2015, 06:42 AM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,662,335 times
Reputation: 54735
Ah... you got the full treatment. "Salty sea-dog" who makes his money off tourists safely flirts with foreigner on holiday.

Please do not uproot your life to be an illegal immigrant in the US based on a flimsy fantasy. Not cool.

Last edited by zentropa; 09-08-2015 at 07:54 AM..
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Old 09-08-2015, 07:45 AM
 
Location: TheNorthEast
277 posts, read 270,694 times
Reputation: 295
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mony90 View Post
Don't know where to start... I'm here because I didn't know who I could talk to. I never wrote on a message board, but this situation is so different from what I'm used to I feel like it takes uninterested advices from strangers to make me think better.

I'm 24 and I come from a social environment where education and money are important matters and least but not last, honestly I know I look pretty. This for me always meant I could walk into a room and be noticed by many, and it is a reason of pride especially for my mother. This always made her think I am the best thing she has done and always tried to push me to be ambitious, in marriage also.
I'm latina based in the south of France right now, living with both my parents. They run a holiday house rentals business, I have an interior design degree and I use to help them.

This summer I had a one month holiday in the U.S. east coast with my cousin, she is married to a guy whose family owns a cottage there. So I met this blue eyed salty seaman, I immediately liked him, despite the age difference between us (he's 52) and his initial coarseness. Probably he liked me too from the beginning. He's a charterboat captain among his activities so for me it was not hard to get the chance to know him better, I found an excuse to get on his boat, we chatted and surprisingly he asked me out. He is so different from anyone I know. He's crusty, genuinely macho, with a rugged exterior but a wealth of wisecracks, he may have this intimidating demeanor, this "my way or no way" truculence at the beginning, but I knew him better and felt how intense, amazing and brave he is. He's a guy who has seen some **** (sorry for this word), he is a man definitely used to work and hardship, he is battered but not beaten, he's just tough as hell. We have been going out for several weeks until I had to come back home, I had the best time with him, we've been sailing, he showed me a part of him none could imagine (buying flowers, taking me out to dinner, and at the end of my journey he told me that I could move to his place and take care of each other), I cooked for him, he took me out to sea teaching me to fish, we started acting like a couple.
He's a loner and this affair astonished many people living there. I told him I'd have planned my next stay next month and I begun trying to figure out how I could do to move and be with him.

I am having a hard time. I broke up with my ex last year, after I discovered he was much more interested in his money than he was in me. My previous ex cheated on me and after I dumped him he begged me to forgive him. My exes were all such jerks. The type of guys my family liked, socially respectable with good carreers, but they were not real men to me. Sounds like it is the first time I met one. Probably the european community does not offer much in this sense. The problem is that I love my family, I am afraid they will be mad at me when I will tell them what's happening, I won't have their support nor I will have a job easily (for two reasons, first I am not a U.S. citizen, second he is old fashioned and thinks I should be home, he as a man wants to provide). I think I'm going to feel extremely lonely and will miss my family and friends to death if I choose to move, by the way.

The only person I dared to share what I lived with has been my cousin for I was on vacation with her so she even met him, and unfortunately her reaction was "You nuts to believe it could go beyond a summer affair with Captain Achab". She thinks I should try to forget what happened, to put my feelings aside, that this is passion, not love, that I should use brains and that this should remain a beautiful adventure I can tell to my kids when I will have them. She says I'm going to destroy my life if I move there in his "shanty" in a foreign country and that in her opinion he will turn out to be a man no woman would want.

If any of you have some tips or ideas please share. I started think about the possibility something is wrong with me and I need help. Thank you!

How about thinking of this situation in a non-permanent way? Say you move in with him, spend 1-2 years together, and assuming the worst (like your family and cousin warn you), things don't work out. As long as you don't already have a child with him, you can just leave and go back to Europe, or by then you may have already started to make roots in the US. I'd say why not act boldly and just move with him, but don't get married.

If there's nothing else you are involved in at home (such as going to school or a serious job you won't find anywhere else), why not enjoy some excitement in your life? Just don't make yourself vulnerable beyond return (such as getting pregnant). And even if you have some job, people leave good jobs all the time to go travel or move to another country. It is risky, but that's what makes it adventurous and exciting, and often you learn a lot from that experience as well. If you had kids and all sorts of serious commitments, I'd probably advise against it. But at 24 you still have time to make mistakes (assuming the worst scenario) and recover from them, as long as they are not permanent (kids, STDs, etc). And family may be upset with you for a while, but parents usually love their kids anyway, and eventually they may understand why you decided to try an adventure.

Yes, you may end up heart broken, lonely, disappointed -risks that exist in a more traditional relationship, as well. And if you think it's worth taking this risk, why not live a little and follow your passion. Yeah, you may end up burned, but it's nothing that you can't overcome in a few years, when it's time to settle down. And there is tremendous pleasure in doing whatever the heck you want, as opposed to always listening to society. From the way you write, you sound like an intelligent woman -- you probably will know when/if it's time to get out of a relationship.
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Old 09-08-2015, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,418,348 times
Reputation: 53067
I wouldn't uproot my life and move to another country due to a fling with somebody engaged in the tourism industry who I've dated for a couple of weeks. You know nothing about this person, and don't have sufficient time to really learn.
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Old 09-08-2015, 09:52 AM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,662,335 times
Reputation: 54735
LOL me wonders why old matey doesn't offer to visit our heroine in her own country?
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Old 09-08-2015, 09:54 AM
 
19 posts, read 27,257 times
Reputation: 23
@Zentropa: trust me, far from my intentions to become an "illegal immigrant" who gets fooled by the salty seadog. I don't even want to sound really stupid just because I'm a woman on cloud nine at the moment, but I can't say he took advantage from me, he did not receive any money from me and he paid for everything when we were together. If I got the slightest feeling he was trying to make money off me, it would have been utterly deal breaking for me.

@Beweirdess: Thanks your comment has been a huge comfort today. Probably because my cousin has been ringing me everyday since I left to make sure I was changing my mind, maybe worried for her aunt (my mother). She knows how traditional my mother is, how she always somehow forced me to go out with highly educated guys who made expensive gifts and lots of words, but in my opinion no substance. And as dumb as it may sound nowadays I don't have goosebumps with wealth and safety, I still look for emotions. Another thing I'm most afraid of is staying there: I perfectly know it's illegal to stay in the U.S. without permission for more than a couple of months, but then I should ask him to marry me (he got married several times, he does not have kids). It sounds horrible to tell him "you MUST marry me", but today it came to my mind as the only way to get out of the "stay in the U.S." trouble I'll be facing soon if I move in with him.
Assuming he would marry me, then the thing would turn permanent, and you advised me against it.

@Tabularasa: he doesn't exactly work in the tourism industry, he does it privately with his own boat among other main activities (he has quite many, he's sailor, fisherman, he does something else in the commerce of oil/alcoholic don'tknowwhat - do not remember exactly. He has no boss, he is the boss of himself. He makes his rules and lives by his rules only, everything he does is up to him. Even his marriages ended years ago, he is alone since a long time). I am not totally insane, I am planning to go again next month to get to know him better.

Last edited by Mony90; 09-08-2015 at 10:29 AM..
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Old 09-08-2015, 10:11 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,380 posts, read 24,388,060 times
Reputation: 17418
Why not just enjoy the affair as an affair? I don't understand why so many young women want to get locked into a relationship so early in the game. Why on earth are you already planning to marry him?

Speaking from experience, these kinds of guys are great at the beginning, but are not much good for the long haul. Note his marriage record. Note his seasonal career choice.

You'll get tired of it once the novelty wears off and so will he.

So enjoy the romance with your sea captain and go back home. Find a suitable man with a sense of adventure who will also be a steady presence in your life as a partner. They're out there.
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Old 09-08-2015, 10:46 AM
 
Location: New York
58 posts, read 43,642 times
Reputation: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mony90 View Post
Don't know where to start... I'm here because I didn't know who I could talk to. I never wrote on a message board, but this situation is so different from what I'm used to I feel like it takes uninterested advices from strangers to make me think better.

I'm 24 and I come from a social environment where education and money are important matters and least but not last, honestly I know I look pretty. This for me always meant I could walk into a room and be noticed by many, and it is a reason of pride especially for my mother. This always made her think I am the best thing she has done and always tried to push me to be ambitious, in marriage also.
I'm latina based in the south of France right now, living with both my parents. They run a holiday house rentals business, I have an interior design degree and I use to help them.

This summer I had a one month holiday in the U.S. east coast with my cousin, she is married to a guy whose family owns a cottage there. So I met this blue eyed salty seaman, I immediately liked him, despite the age difference between us (he's 52) and his initial coarseness. Probably he liked me too from the beginning. He's a charterboat captain among his activities so for me it was not hard to get the chance to know him better, I found an excuse to get on his boat, we chatted and surprisingly he asked me out. He is so different from anyone I know. He's crusty, genuinely macho, with a rugged exterior but a wealth of wisecracks, he may have this intimidating demeanor, this "my way or no way" truculence at the beginning, but I knew him better and felt how intense, amazing and brave he is. He's a guy who has seen some **** (sorry for this word), he is a man definitely used to work and hardship, he is battered but not beaten, he's just tough as hell. We have been going out for several weeks until I had to come back home, I had the best time with him, we've been sailing, he showed me a part of him none could imagine (buying flowers, taking me out to dinner, and at the end of my journey he told me that I could move to his place and take care of each other), I cooked for him, he took me out to sea teaching me to fish, we started acting like a couple.
He's a loner and this affair astonished many people living there. I told him I'd have planned my next stay next month and I begun trying to figure out how I could do to move and be with him.

I am having a hard time. I broke up with my ex last year, after I discovered he was much more interested in his money than he was in me. My previous ex cheated on me and after I dumped him he begged me to forgive him. My exes were all such jerks. The type of guys my family liked, socially respectable with good carreers, but they were not real men to me. Sounds like it is the first time I met one. Probably the european community does not offer much in this sense. The problem is that I love my family, I am afraid they will be mad at me when I will tell them what's happening, I won't have their support nor I will have a job easily (for two reasons, first I am not a U.S. citizen, second he is old fashioned and thinks I should be home, he as a man wants to provide). I think I'm going to feel extremely lonely and will miss my family and friends to death if I choose to move, by the way.

The only person I dared to share what I lived with has been my cousin for I was on vacation with her so she even met him, and unfortunately her reaction was "You nuts to believe it could go beyond a summer affair with Captain Achab". She thinks I should try to forget what happened, to put my feelings aside, that this is passion, not love, that I should use brains and that this should remain a beautiful adventure I can tell to my kids when I will have them. She says I'm going to destroy my life if I move there in his "shanty" in a foreign country and that in her opinion he will turn out to be a man no woman would want.

If any of you have some tips or ideas please share. I started think about the possibility something is wrong with me and I need help. Thank you!
The title of your post is the most alarming...your brain and your heart are conflicted because it is a crazy and extremely risky idea to think about moving to a different country for a man you recently met. From my perspective, I think you have three options: 1- you could pack up and move in with him risking the worst scenario but try to not burn any bridges with your family and try not to get any baggage that would complicate things further should the worst happen, ( example would be if you were to have kids with him,born on American soil, that can really become ugly). 2nd option- you could prolong the time that you want to move in while maintaining contact with him and see where things go first before you move to a different country just for him. Last option could be that you could take this as a summer fling that was passionate and intense. My point is, just don't move to a different country just for a man.
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Old 09-08-2015, 11:15 AM
 
Location: TheNorthEast
277 posts, read 270,694 times
Reputation: 295
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mony90 View Post
I perfectly know it's illegal to stay in the U.S. without permission for more than a couple of months, but then I should ask him to marry me (he got married several times, he does not have kids). It sounds horrible to tell him "you MUST marry me", but today it came to my mind as the only way to get out of the "stay in the U.S." trouble I'll be facing soon if I move in with him.
Assuming he would marry me, then the thing would turn permanent, and you advised me against it.
Do NOT marry him, no matter what. It complicates things in a painful/nasty way, especially if it's for papers. You can be in the US with a visitor's visa for six months. I think that amount of time is quite enough to enjoy some passion, visit a new country, sail on the boat and just enjoy life. In six months, if you are still into him, and he is into you, let him suggest what should happen next. If he is really into you, he won't want you to leave, and then he'll have to make a move, either by marrying you or moving to Europe for you. If he stagnates, then you'll have to accept the defeat and return home with a broken heart. It will take some time to heal, but it's not impossible, and at 24 you still have plenty of time.

I may be old fashioned, or just because I am Eastern European, but to me a woman should not make/suggest a marriage proposal. You may want that, but as soon as you are the one initiating marriage you emasculate the guy (and somewhere in the subconscious the man's desire to hunt/chase gets cut - my personal crazy idea). So, like I said, if he wants you as much as you want him- he'll find a way. If not- oh well, it was a fun experience, something to tell your grandkids when you are old.
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Old 09-08-2015, 11:41 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,707 posts, read 19,883,738 times
Reputation: 43045
You remind me of Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton.

She was young, naive and he was the rugged guy introducing her to stuff she never even heard about. They had a really insane love affair going on but it burned out because eventually once the passion slowed down, they were not very compatible and he turned into the grouch he really is.

I think you are too young for a 52 year old guy. Also, he is an introvert. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with a grouchy guy sailing around who doesn't like anybody but you. It sounds cute in the beginning because you are his one and only but it can get tough if you want to hang out with others or do stuff with other couples and he is holding you back. There is a reason why he is a loner and you are too young to be kept away from all the fun stuff. He might keep you from having fun and be yourself. His "may way or no way" will get pretty old quickly and you might have nasty fights. You are very pretty and in your pictures it shows that you enjoy life. Don't get tied down by an old dude.

My opinion: Enjoy it a little, have fun with him and once he shows his real colors, go back to your family and date somebody in your age group and your interests.
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