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Old 01-28-2008, 07:44 AM
 
11 posts, read 23,695 times
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I work away.2 weeks on one week off. My wife of ten years was missing me terribly last time i was away. She cried to me almost everyday on the phone. When she picked me up at the airport she held me for what seemed like ten minutes. We had a very intimate evening that night. But 2 days later she wants to chuck it all in. I got the you've done nothing wrong speach and was told that she loves me but she's not in love with me. And was told pretty bluntly they she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Am i going mental or do i have every right to be a little confused and angry over these development.
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Old 01-28-2008, 08:09 AM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,175,416 times
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Wow, you poor thing...working so much and having to listen to your wife cry on the phone when you are away,then coming home to this. I think you need to find out if there is another real reason that she is leaving you, like a side fling, that she has been feeling guilty about causing all the crying. My dh used to work nights and off days then I'd work, so we saw each other on his days off, 4 days later. I think these are times where a marriage is put to the test. Things will not always be rosey and these are your thornier times, but instead of leaving it, you work through it. If the fact that you are gone is what the problem is, is this temporary or is this the job and that's it? Could you buy some cameras that you can then see each other while you talk while you are away? I'll keep posted on this thread...Sorry for your troubles.
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Old 01-28-2008, 08:38 AM
 
11 posts, read 23,695 times
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She was quite offended when I mentioned another bloke. She seems sincere that its no one else. She says that its been bottled up before I had this job and that she was trying to force herself to love me as we have 3 kids and so much history that alot of people would not have gone through. But this last 3 months have been an act. Man she must be one hell of an actor. She was total passion and romance intimately and devoted everyother time. Her excuse is that she doesn't want it anymore. I might sound old school but marriage is about 2 people and she hasn't even let me work with her. I have suggested councelling but to which she give it some thought, but only if she feels that its worth it. Just right now i want to hold her because I go away soon and don't want to be alone and feeling like crap. I had 2 weeks of built up love to give and right now i got nowhere to place it.
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Old 01-28-2008, 10:01 AM
 
68 posts, read 231,105 times
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Sounds to me like she's given this alot of thought for quite some time. And she has made up her mind...that's what the "holding on for dear life" was about when you got home...she's afraid of her decision, but determined to do it. As hard as it may be, letting her go to find out if she made the right decision, is probably a wise thing to do right now. I know, it hurts...but, she probably will do this again in the future if not given the freedom to experience it now. I'm sorry for your pain...
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Old 01-28-2008, 10:08 AM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,175,416 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by middles24 View Post
She was quite offended when I mentioned another bloke. She seems sincere that its no one else. She says that its been bottled up before I had this job and that she was trying to force herself to love me as we have 3 kids and so much history that alot of people would not have gone through. But this last 3 months have been an act. Man she must be one hell of an actor. She was total passion and romance intimately and devoted everyother time. Her excuse is that she doesn't want it anymore. I might sound old school but marriage is about 2 people and she hasn't even let me work with her. I have suggested councelling but to which she give it some thought, but only if she feels that its worth it. Just right now i want to hold her because I go away soon and don't want to be alone and feeling like crap. I had 2 weeks of built up love to give and right now i got nowhere to place it.
I was also thinking that time alone gives one a lot of time to think about things. She's thought, hmmm, I am married (but lonely), and am solely raising 3 kids because husband can't work here, what's wrong w/this picture? If she can do it all alone without your help, then what's the point of being married? Also, I guess she feels you'd do right by giving her some child support, but I am not sure she has considered how hard it will be if she is alone and has to return to work. I agree letting her figure all this out may be the best thing to do right now. You seem like a nice guy, hope it all works out.
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Old 01-28-2008, 10:14 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 1,383,009 times
Reputation: 346
Your wife's behavior is so confusing to you and to us that all I can recommend is counseling. I will bet anything she also is confused. I recommend it strongly because it sounds like she needs to learn to articulate her issues. She loves you one minute and not the next....yes, definitely counseling to sort things out and find out what she wants. I'm not sure she knows what she wants. I hope you get a GOOD counselor.
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Old 01-28-2008, 10:48 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
16,061 posts, read 32,955,106 times
Reputation: 14725
If you love your wife and want to keep your marriage intact, I suggest the two of you going into counseling before making any divorce moves. How old is she? Maybe she has some issues with depression that you've never noticed before. But only a professional can judge if she's having these mood swings. Medication might be the answer.

Or... after ten years, it's time for a little relationship tweaking and maintenance.

Another thought is maybe while you were gone, someone's death affected her a lot and she feels that her life is passing her by and that she's made too many compromises in it.
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Old 01-28-2008, 10:52 AM
 
11 posts, read 23,695 times
Reputation: 14
Yeah I know where your coming at. but my thinking is and i know it shouldn't be, but we've had a couple of incidences before. we had a year break about 6 years ago, and an almost break up a year ago. everytime I faught for her and both times I won her back, so i'm just expecting the same result here. I just want to know do I fight to show her what she means to me, or lay down and look weak. I've always believed that when couples separate, there is always something deep inside that needs to be drawn out. You hust got to find new ways to love.
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Old 01-28-2008, 11:27 AM
 
Location: Naptowne, Alaska
15,595 posts, read 34,274,394 times
Reputation: 14645
You a roughneck? Sounds like it with that schedule. It's the number one marriage and/or relationship killer. Being gone for that 2 weeks. Been there done that. All I can say is I'm sorry you are going through it. Not much you can do except maybe get a town job so your home every night.
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Old 01-28-2008, 11:58 AM
 
12,125 posts, read 12,816,741 times
Reputation: 8551
Sounds like things have been building for her for some time and she has reached a breaking point. But as far as the question in your post, yes, definitely you are getting some mixed messages from her, and it's perfectly understandable that you would feel angry, confused, and upset. Talk with her if you can and if she's willing, for your increased understanding of the situation.

I get a little concerned when I hear someone say they "fought for" the person and got them back. Because it can sound a bit like getting them to change their mind, or talk them into something they may have reservations about, which down the road that same thing resurfaces... It is a different place to come from when you express deeply your concern for the relationship, and your desire to save the relationship, and your strong feelings of caring for her, and listening to what is not working for her, and asking what she would like to see different, and then seeing if that is workable.

Actually I don't understand the "lay down and look weak" statement. It takes a strong man to be vulnerable enough to express his deep feelings to a woman. And there is nothing weak about accepting what she tells you, if anything to me it is a sign of respect when someone listens and accepts what I have to say.

And sorry you are going through what sounds like a heartwrenching place in a long term relationship.
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