He uses my insecurities against me during fights? (men, husband, call)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I’ve been sexually & emotionally abused in the past forabout 3 years. Following which I got molested again. As a result of this, I told my current bf that I often feel victimized in certain situations. I also tell him several other things that bother me, and he seems to be extremely understanding and supportive. HOWEVER, when he gets mad or we have a fight, he throws all my insecurities right back at me. I feel like I can confide in him when he’s NOT mad. But as soon as we’re fighting, he feels like it’s fair game to throw everything that he KNOWS will hurt me at me.
Have you tried to talk to him about this, when he isn't angry? Communication is the most important factor in a relationship; and if you're unable to speak to him (and work through this issue together), then it's not a healthy situation for you to be in. No one is perfect, of course, and we all bring issues to a relationship (or make mistakes in how we communicate). The key is - a desire to fix it/work on it together - and a willingness to listen and discuss it with you (when he's not angry). If he acknowledges what he does (and has a genuine desire to work on it), there could be hope. Otherwise, keep in mind things have a tendency to get worse (especially when one is unable or unwilling to communicate about it). You don't deserve to be treated in this way.
He's not going to change, and it will continue like this forever. Cut your losses now, take a little time to get over him, and then go find yourself a guy who respects you and treats you well.
That's an absolutely unacceptable way to "release frustrations". Please, I know it's hard, but please do not tolerate this sort of thing in any relationship. He will only continue and certainly get worse. You were a victim by circumstance in the past, if you accept foul treatment, then you are a victim by choice. A man who loves you will 100% NOT throw that information in your face whenever he gets "mad". Seriously, walk away - this IS emotional abuse.
I guess the reason why I have been trying to rationalize it is because he seems to understand when I communicate things to him when we're all happy and lovey-dovey. But when he's angry he seems to forget everything I told him NOT to do/say during arguments because it really hurts me. I don't think it's acceptable he does this either, as I have had times when I'm angry as well. But my anger is entirely different - I tend to just get super quiet, and refrain from saying anything hurtful.
But then again, I think I give him more reasons to be angry/frustrated than he gives me? Maybe that's why his anger is worse?
I am going make an assumption here, so please forgive me if I am off base.
The OP was abused. More than once. So, likely she may have never known what it is like to be treated with respect. I have a favorite expression "everyone thinks they are normal" and that means that what you are used to is your normal.
If you are used to being abused (whether emotionally, verbally, or physically) you learn to accept that as your normal. Know that it is NOT, and the way he is treating you, even if only when he is mad, is NOT NORMAL. What is normal and healthy is to be treated with respect and caring, not hurting. Finding someone who does not abuse you in any way might feel "not normal" at first, but it is.
Break up with this guy, know you deserve better.
__________________
My posts as moderator will be in red.
Have you tried to talk to him about this, when he isn't angry? Communication is the most important factor in a relationship; and if you're unable to speak to him (and work through this issue together), then it's not a healthy situation for you to be in. No one is perfect, of course, and we all bring issues to a relationship (or make mistakes in how we communicate). The key is - a desire to fix it/work on it together - and a willingness to listen and discuss it with you (when he's not angry). If he acknowledges what he does (and has a genuine desire to work on it), there could be hope. Otherwise, keep in mind things have a tendency to get worse (especially when one is unable or unwilling to communicate about it). You don't deserve to be treated in this way.
Well I just talk to him about things I don't like he says/does in anger. He knows exactly what will hurt me and what won't, and he'll just be as mean as he can get during a fight. (or I am too sensitive, not sure)
I can't talk to him about my past situations in detail - it makes him uncomfortable, and he just doesn't want to hear about it. He thinks I need to learn to just get over it, and talking it out won't make me get over it any easier. So no, he doesn't have a clue as to my entire history. He just knows that it has happened. He's super sensitive, and I need to be careful about what I say to him as he gets hurt very quickly.
If you choose to stay with someone who emotionally abuses you by using his knowledge of past abuse against you, you are choosing to subject yourself to abuse.
Leave. Don't allow a potential pattern to continue.
Well I just talk to him about things I don't like he says/does in anger. He knows exactly what will hurt me and what won't, and he'll just be as mean as he can get during a fight. (or I am too sensitive, not sure)
I can't talk to him about my past situations in detail - it makes him uncomfortable, and he just doesn't want to hear about it. He thinks I need to learn to just get over it, and talking it out won't make me get over it any easier. So no, he doesn't have a clue as to my entire history. He just knows that it has happened. He's super sensitive, and I need to be careful about what I say to him as he gets hurt very quickly.
Hmm, it doesn't sound cool you need to be careful about what you say regarding YOUR past for fear of making him hurt or uncomfortable. That doesn't sound supportive at all; from your original post, I was under the impression he is supportive (when he isn't angry). I'd be leery of any relationship in which one must avoid communication (or encouraged to 'get over it' without communication). If you're 'afraid' to communicate (or need to be 'careful' about what you say to him), what's the foundation of the relationship at all?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
