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The problem is not the institution of marriage. The problem is that you're in a relationship that you don't like any more for any number of reasons, and from which you can't extricate yourself easily. If you don't want to stay with your husband, what, exactly, is keeping you from packing your bags and just walking away? How would not being legally married to him make doing the very same thing easier?
I'll dare bring to discussion an idea that's been preoccupying me lately. Based on my own experience and the observations I've made around, marriage is pretty much a unnecessary even in the current society. If you love someone strongly, that should be the only enough thing to keep you next to that person. Marriage is like communism/socialism: it gives you the illusion of eternal stability and of having your basic needs met, without making you work hard for it.
Most long marriages that I know (with very few exceptions) happened because one or both partners suppressed their inner desires and feelings to get out at some point, or to be with someone else. Yes, the marriage is officially still on, but the soul is no longer in. What we praise as a great marriage, is nothing but a deceiving relationship where people fake to be happy. I don't understand why we, as a society, put such relationships on the highest pedestal and look up to these people as if they are heroes. It's easy to stay in a marriage because of comfort and fear of loneliness, and it's much more courageous to leave, despite the fear of the unknown.
If there were no marriages, people would be more honest - when something is not working and doesn't feel right, they'll move on. Also, with no marriages people would stop taking each other for granted. Knowing that all that keeps them together is free will, people would make a bigger effort to be and act their best to keep their SO interested. In the lack of a marriage people would take better care of how they look; they would cherish their SO more, they would treat their SO better, knowing that there is potential competition and you are either the best, or you can be out.
To conclude, i think marriages favor lazy people with low self esteem, who need at least some reassurance that they will not be alone (even though all which keeps them together is a piece of paper). And if people honestly love each other, they will continue to do so, with papers or not.
Just because it doesnt work for you, or that your marriage is bad, doesnt mean everyone elses is, or that no one else wants to get married.
If you dont want to get married, then dont. Just the fact that there are millions and millions of people who are married, and getting married still, means that people still want it.
If you don't want to stay with your husband, what, exactly, is keeping you from packing your bags and just walking away? How would not being legally married to him make doing the very same thing easier?
I am not sure if you are asking this because you are curious about an answer or whether this is a rhetorical question. I married when I was quite young (24) and the people I was surrounded by at the time (family mostly) were suggesting that a relationship cannot be real if it doesn't turn into marriage. Also, nobody told me that even if you find a good&responsible person you may still end up unhappy in a marriage. I did not even consider the option of staying unmarried because it would have been unacceptable to my family (at that time I cared too much about what they thought).
As far as why it's hard to get out of a marriage you don't like- shared house, common budget, me not having my own bank account despite working full time. It's not unrealistic to get these issues resolved, but if these issues did not exist (when you are not married, each partner usually manages their own budget and is legally less dependent on the other) it would be easier to leave.
I don't think it should be abolished but I've often questioned why people place themselves in a tight "box" or vacuum and believe it should be so absolute (til death do us apart). I understand the need to take it seriously because it is a serious form of commitment that absolutely should be taken seriously but I also believe that you should give yourself room to maneuver if need be. What I mean is that if the marriage becomes a large source of unhappiness and you both work at it and it still isn't meshing by no means should you make yourself "stay" because of absolute vows you made twenty years before hand. People constantly evolve and change and as a result this often influences us in ways we might not imagine. I think there is so much pressure for married couples to make their marriage work, and to stick it out, etc that some people might feel confined and do just that even when deep down they know they'd be better off without their partner.
People often call it selfish to divorce for happiness or to leave a stale marriage because gigs but that mindset to me is limiting. I can't speak for others and won't but I fully believe that you can take a commitment seriously without forcing yourself into an absolute mindset. If your unhappy in a long term marriage I think the best option is not to force yourself to stay but to ask yourself if leaving would be a larger source of happiness for you than staying.
I know that it's difficult for me to imagine loving a person forever and ever and if I ever felt myself drastically unhappy with that person I wouldn't have a problem leaving. I think life is too short to stay in any unhappy situation if you can help it. I know many long term married couples that are genuinely happy and others that are not. Instead of abolishing it perhaps it's better to me for people to just adjust their mindset and beliefs about it. Marriage can be forever or it can be for as long as you want it to be, it can be a business arrangement, an illusion for children, a loving partnership, a joy, etc... It can be so many things to many different people and I think that redefining it, being open to different possibilities and Outcomes, and reframing the way it's currently approached in this society is definitely something to think about.
However if your unhappy in your marriage that's something you need to fix and come to terms with instead of projecting... there are still many people that value marriage and are happily married years later. Nothing you've said really validates why it should be abolished. But it does seem like you need to abolish yours...
I think there is so much pressure for married couples to make their marriage work, and to stick it out, etc that some people might feel confined and do just that even when deep down they know they'd be better off without their partner.
People often call it selfish to divorce for happiness or to leave a stale marriage because gigs but that mindset to me is limiting.
This!
Also, thanks for taking the time to write with insight.
How about arguments pro-marriage, that come from own personal experiences of posters here? If you have been married for a long time and are a strong believer in marriage, care to tell us why?
You could say that I believe in MY marriage, but don't really concern myself with marriage IN GENERAL, as a concept.
The things I love and cherish about my marriage are personal and while they may be similar to others', I wouldn't consider them a pro-marriage argument in general.
I am not sure if you are asking this because you are curious about an answer or whether this is a rhetorical question. I married when I was quite young (24) and the people I was surrounded by at the time (family mostly) were suggesting that a relationship cannot be real if it doesn't turn into marriage. Also, nobody told me that even if you find a good&responsible person you may still end up unhappy in a marriage. I did not even consider the option of staying unmarried because it would have been unacceptable to my family (at that time I cared too much about what they thought).
As far as why it's hard to get out of a marriage you don't like- shared house, common budget, me not having my own bank account despite working full time. It's not unrealistic to get these issues resolved, but if these issues did not exist (when you are not married, each partner usually manages their own budget and is legally less dependent on the other) it would be easier to leave.
So basically, you want to place restrictions on everyone else, so you can be protected from your own short-sighted choices. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from opening your own bank account and keeping your finances separate. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from filing for divorce and moving on.
That sounds kind of extreme to me. I personally have never wanted kids, so it follows that marriage was not really important to me either. At 48 and never married, highly doubt I ever will. I do agree with some of the things you said. I do think there is a decent segment that stay married even though they really shouldn't for a variety of reasons (kids, money issues, afraid of being on their own). My own parents never really should have married, and probably stayed married longer than they should have because of my sisters and I. I could sense that things were not right quite a while before they did actually divorce. Years later, they both admitted they got married because it seemed like the thing to do even though they are polar opposites on so many issues. With that said, my younger sister will be married twenty years this November, and she seems as happy now as when first married so it can work.
Last edited by david0966; 09-14-2015 at 11:36 AM..
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