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This is no offense to you, but I've always found it a bit amusing when people tell someone who clearly wants a relationship to stop focusing on what they want and raise their kids. It's simplistic and assumes that the OP isn't already focused on raising her kids. Parents aren't one dimensional people. We can do various things at the same time(I work, go to school, raise my kid, work out, etc) so if I wanted to lose weight for instance and had been trying for months and still hadn't got to my "right weight" would someone tell me to stop focusing on weight loss and just raise my kids? As if both can't be done at the same time?
That's a bad analogy I'll admit but my point is that just because the OP wants a relationship and a "man" doesn't mean that she isn't as focused on raising her kids and being a mother. She is still a woman and human being, when you become parents you don't all the sudden stop having the same needs and desires as you did pre-parent. She clearly wants a man--she's been making posts about her quest to find one since she's joined. If it were that simple for her to "turn it off" and just stop then obviously she wouldn't continue to post these threads and continue to get flamed in the manner that she has. This is obviously a BIG deal to her.
Now I don't know what kind of parent she is, and how much time she focuses on her children as opposed to the time she spends focusing on finding a man and if it were a case of her spending far too little time focusing on her kids and too much time focusing on men then yes I'd say you and other who give her that advice are right. But if she is still raising her kids, working, and yearns for a relationship then I don't think that the advice to "stop trying to date, focus on your kids until they get older" is really going to help her situation. She's lonely, she's sad and this is a big deal to her.
Instead I think what the OP needs to do, is what many have alluded to, try to shift some of the focus that she has on men(not all of it) on trying to improve herself financially, emotionally, and socially. While doing that continue dating if she really needs/wants to and putting herself out there. Eventually if she does become the person that she wants to find(someone good), then it won't be as difficult to find him.
No offense taken, but don't be too quick to dismiss my comment as if I have no perspective or experience. I was a single working parent who raised my children while living in a rural area that was probably a lot more isolated than wherever the OP is, so I feel as qualified as anyone else here to make the comment that I did.
I have the impression that the OP is more focused on "finding a man" than improving herself or the lives of her children. She also seems to be a magnet for the worst kind of men. She's recently posted about an ex-boyfriend who is trying to kill her, for instance? Whoa. That is what got my attention and I find it alarming that she is putting her children in those types of situations.
Sure, she has "needs" and she may be lonely and sad. That is a temporary state that will change when the time is right. Her "needs" should not be at the expense of her children, I'm sure we can agree on that much.
If the OP focused on getting her life together, she won't have to be out prowling for a "good man" because a good man will find her.
No offense taken, but don't be too quick to dismiss my comment as if I have no perspective or experience. I was a single working parent who raised my children while living in a rural area that was probably a lot more isolated than wherever the OP is, so I feel as qualified as anyone else here to make the comment that I did.
I have the impression that the OP is more focused on "finding a man" than improving herself or the lives of her children. She also seems to be a magnet for the worst kind of men. She's recently posted about an ex-boyfriend who is trying to kill her, for instance? Whoa. That is what got my attention and I find it alarming that she is putting her children in those types of situations.
Sure, she has "needs" and she may be lonely and sad. That is a temporary state that will change when the time is right. Her "needs" should not be at the expense of her children, I'm sure we can agree on that much.
If the OP focused on getting her life together, she won't have to be out prowling for a "good man" because a good man will find her.
I wasn't dismissing your perspective persay, I was dismissing the standard advice that I often see on here given to single moms to "focus on their kids" not dating/wanting a relationship. I don't always agree with that advice because IMO there's this underlining assumption that a single parent that wants a man or actively dates isn't focused on her kids or as if a single parent can just turn off the desire for a partner or companion. It's natural to desire love and partnership. I empathize with the OP because it's so obvious from many threads that she is lonely and desperate for love.
I responded to your post because I felt like that type of advice to just focus on her kids felt like the many posts I read on here when a single parent wants to date or wants a relationship and vents about it and people give them that same advice. Telling someone who wants one as desperately as the op to just shut off that want and just focus on continue raising her kids (as if she isn't while dating) is often simplistic and not very helpful. This is my opinion of course.
I believe in helping people attract the things they want-not asking people to pretend like their desires are irrelevant or can be turned off especially when the desire is as natural as wanting a partner to share a life with. It's nice that people believe that parents can be selfless 100% of the time but just like everyone else parents can be(and many are) selfish about things that matter a lot to them. It's human. And the op is human and she's still a woman that like other single women, yearns for a loving relationship.
Some single mothers can turn it off and just make their life solely about their kids but from what I gathered about the op she is not that type. That being said I did not read this entire thread so I had no idea that she was almost killed by a baby daddy... I just thought it was the same ole' thread with her where she talks about wanting a relationship, not having luck and/or being with a man that clearly does not care about her. After reading through it then I do agree with you-the op is a magnet for negative drama with men. Like attracts like so there's a high probability that shes attracting bad men because she's not where she needs to be--when you don't love yourself you won't ever attract men that will love you, instead you will attract men that validate the negative things that you think about yourself. When you think your a loser or not worthy you will find yourself in situations where you always lose, don't get the things you want, and in situations that confirm that you are not worthy. This is what I think is happening with the op.
The loneliness and need for a partner is really just another case of looking for love in men when she needs to find it in herself first. I still can't fault her for wanting a relationship and love but I do think that after what I've read that it definitely seems like she should focus less on men right now and more on getting to the bottom of why she is always "low on luck". Because that will definitely have an impact on her kids( if it hasn't already)
I agree with your last paragraph-in fact I alluded to that earlier in another post but you said it better than I did. I think all of us understand that when your at your best(which means working on yourself) and when you love yourself you will naturally attract the right men without having to seek them out. So my apologies-when I had responded I hadn't read the entire thread.
-night!
Last edited by Faith2187; 09-18-2015 at 09:57 PM..
I don't think this is true... Some white men might high-tail it out of there, but some won't care--even the half-decent ones. It isn't wrong to discriminate when you date if you know that you are primarily attracted or culturally have more in common with someone within your own race. On the other hand, if you are racist and that is why you choose to not date out then any half decent men would notice within the first couple of dates and that's when they should high-tail it. Most people date within their own ethnicity and prefer it, it isn't abnormal that the OP is the same. And since she is a white woman, I would say that her options aren't necessarily going to be limited by sticking only with WM. If she were a black woman struggling to get dates with BM, and in her late thirties, then I might say that not dating out is hurting her chances, but for the OP? I really don't think it is.
I do not have a victim mentality. I have been a victim at the hands of several different men over the last 20 years, but I always pick myself up and try again.
I am an extremely strong, independent woman.
There is so much wrong with this post I dont even know where to start.
I am done with losers, jerks and crazy men. I cannot take anymore of the nonsense.
Where do you find good ones? How do you know for certain they are good?
I have been spending time with a good friend and he is always right there for me and his actions show me he cares, but how do I know he wont suddenly change?
Don't date your friend. He's done nothing to deserve you. Stick with the jerks, it's best for everyone.
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