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If you are put in 'freindzone' by a woman, She is just keeping you around but she is searching for the next best thing. Have respect for yourself and cut the ties with that woman. You should never be someone's backup plan.
After I did something I hate doing, which is being vulnerable and putting my heart out there, I didn't do it just to have another "friend."
A little off topic and I hope you don't mind the advice, but you need to stop putting your heart into it/out there. It sounds like you develop an interest for a woman and then fantasize or think about it a while before asking her out... which gives you time to feel attached/like your heart is in it. You are forming a "relationship" on your side of things and she has nothing yet. This sets you up for a lot of pain if it doesn't work out/she says no because it feels like a breakup.
The minute you think you may like to date a woman, ask her out. If she rejects you, it won't hurt so much because you haven't had time to "attach" (don't get me wrong, it may sting pride a little and it don't "feel good," but it's a short term disappointment and there is no broke heart) and you can quickly move on. And if she says yes, you will be dating and not be able to form that idealized fantasy (which will let you down).
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TMBGBlueCanary
A little off topic and I hope you don't mind the advice, but you need to stop putting your heart into it/out there. It sounds like you develop an interest for a woman and then fantasize or think about it a while before asking her out... which gives you time to feel attached/like your heart is in it. You are forming a "relationship" on your side of things and she has nothing yet. This sets you up for a lot of pain if it doesn't work out/she says no because it feels like a breakup.
The minute you think you may like to date a woman, ask her out. If she rejects you, it won't hurt so much because you haven't had time to "attach" (don't get me wrong, it may sting pride a little and it don't "feel good," but it's a short term disappointment and there is no broke heart) and you can quickly move on. And if she says yes, you will be dating and not be able to form that idealized fantasy (which will let you down).
This is wise advice. Never, ever get emotionally invested before you've actually gone out. Ask someone out before it ever gets near that far.
And yeah, emotionally investing in someone you don't have a relationship with is really emotionally investing in fantasy. Not a smart thing to do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
Basically it's a weak consolation prize at the end of the day.
Only if you don't value real friendships.
Lovers usually come in go, friends tend to be around for a long long time.
True, but when someone is infatuated with or in love with someone, and the they tell you let's just be friends, it's very easy to believe that the person likes you, and it's also very easy to believe that maybe, just maybe, there's a chance one day. Criticizing the person who is friendzoned and telling them not to let it happen is one thing, but that person isn't the one manipulating the other.
Any person who is "in love" with someone they have never been in a relationship with has bigger problems than the "friendzone."
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,733,093 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
This is wise advice. Never, ever get emotionally invested before you've actually gone out. Ask someone out before it ever gets near that far.
And yeah, emotionally investing in someone you don't have a relationship with is really emotionally investing in fantasy. Not a smart thing to do.
Only if you don't value real friendships.
Lovers usually come in go, friends tend to be around for a long long time.
I value real friendships and have many female friends. But I have no romantic interest in them. I cannot befriend someone who rejected me, can't do it.
Any person who is "in love" with someone they have never been in a relationship with has bigger problems than the "friendzone."
I missed this before (the "in love" thing) and I am starting to see a theme here. A theme of people mistaking either lust or a fantasy "love" for the real thing and then feeling hurt when it doesn't work out. These people, I suspect, are highly intelligent with vivid imaginations. Not a bad thing most times, but it can bite you in the butt in the wrong situations. Falling in love with someone you've never even asked out or been on a date with is a recipe for a broken heart.
It's not really a big problem I don't think, it's more of a "need to change the way you pursue" problem. Like I said earlier, don't give yourself time to form a fantasy relationship and "fall in love" ask out right away and if she says no, move on (or be her friend if you like, it's your choice--because if you ask right away, before any feelings form, you won't have feelings muddying the friendship).
I value real friendships and have many female friends. But I have no romantic interest in them. I can befriend someone who rejected me, can't do it.
You don't have to and you shouldn't if you can't. That's your right. We are all different after all.m But don't read too much into the "let's just be friends." It's usually just someone trying to let you down nicely, not an obligation.
I value real friendships and have many female friends. But I have no romantic interest in them. I cannot befriend someone who rejected me, can't do it.
Most people "think" they can do it, because they've most likely slept together. If they've never slept together, then there's a good chance one of them or both of them has a rather generous rotation of men/women to feel the relationship void. The women who could do it with me, were women I tended to sleep with. As I got older, I saw less of that wanting to have a bunch of male friends from women. They just didn't see the point. If they wanted a relationship, they tended to date towards one, or just go back to the friends they already had.
I was offered the consolation prize of friendship with some women that I dated in the past, but it was mostly to soften the blow. To spend any time together was still on me to schedule it every time. That got old in a heartbeat!
Futts made a great reply to another friendzone thread a month ago about how the friendzone often comes about when you're trying to put someone in the relationship zone first and that's not where they want to be.
Regardless, the friendzone isn't any type of relationship or place, and no one puts you there. If you find yourself hovering around someone who doesn't want to date you, you have placed yourself in that position and you can make other choices.
Can we get a woman's perspective? How do women feel when after a man rejects her, he then tries to keep her around to boost his ego, under the pretense of being friends? (in other words, when he puts her in the friendzone, as opposed to offering real friendship)
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