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Old 09-19-2015, 01:07 PM
 
32 posts, read 23,841 times
Reputation: 21

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I'm pretty outgoing tomboy so I'm used to coworkers trying to pair me up with some of the guys at work; though I'm usually not attracted to them & I have a rule against it. I don't flirt with them, but coworkers who notice our friendship want me to date them which I try to ignore.

This one guy, Eric, had to make it clear to people that he only saw me as a friend. I usually didn't comment b/c I already had to deal with this kind of thing for years, & I guess he took my silence as being heartbroken? One time, I sarcastically said I really wanted to, but he might have taken it seriously judging by his nervous expression. But back then, I didn't care enough to explain to him I was joking; plus doing so might've seemed too defensive. He's not aware that I get told to date our other coworkers too. He also became nervous when I asked for his number, even though we all have each others numbers at work, it doesn't mean anything, at least not to me.

Now, it seems he thinks I'm crushing on him. He started complimenting me, every single day. I thought maybe he's just trying to build my confidence after "shooting me down", which is a nice gesture despite the misunderstanding. But no, he's flirting too now but also telling me to date these other male coworkers to make me like him more & realize I can't have him; my friends used to do this kind of crap so I can recognize the motive. Before, he wasn't behaving this way.

He actually makes efforts to drop hints. So I keep things cordial & pretend to not notice, which actually annoys him & make things worse. I didn't think it was big deal until now it's affecting the job a bit. We often need to help each other, but now I can tell he pretends to forget I asked him for help. Even though we made eye contact a few times, he'll later go: "OH! You're here! I didn't notice." & I just roll my eyes. His behavior towards me now consists of: excessive compliments, flirts, and underhanded insults. This one time, at the break table, I thought he was going to hug me when b/c a coworker came by earlier and did it. Eric got really close, leaned over me, so I tried giving him a hug but he goes: "Oh, I just wanted this fork! Heh, how awkward. Now I feel bad! Hahaha. She thought I was going to hug her". But that fork could have been easily grabbed without leaning over me, or he could have just asked. I told him he could just asked next time, or simply picked it up from where he was and he couldn't think of a response. The fork was literally right in front of him but he got up, walked around the table & leaned over me. I kinda see why he did it; I didn't acknowledge him when he sat down like I used to; I was tired and he was starting to annoy me at that point.


He sounds like a jerk, but overall almost everybody likes him. He's a pretty righteous guy & also a comedian, one of my favorite coworkers until this behavior. He's not confused about his feelings, he knows he not attracted to me. He's just, insecure b/c he...uhh doesn't really have looks going for him. He makes fun of the way he looks as other people do to him, but he's most likely hates his looks. I'm average looking but I do get hit on & asked out but girls only ever consider him as a friend. I can tell he likes our coworker who he hangs around a lot, but she's only interested in him as a best friend.

People also tend to write him off as gay. I actually thought he was gay until the first time a coworker told him to date me; I still have to correct people when I hear them discussing his orientation. Once people find out he's straight, they tend to pair us together.

People haven't noticed that I actually like his best friend/our coworker Adam (good looking guy that I have a lot in common with & have deep conversations with) who I get nervous and excited around. It's good that people don't know b/c he's taken & probably not interested in me, but at the same time this guy Eric will keep thinking I like him.

Even if I explain to Eric that I was never interested, he's going to think I'm lying.

Ugh, what should I do? It actually affects work when we're in the same shift. We're not even teenagers, we're out of college looking for work but he's probably not that used to the idea of someone liking him so he tries to toy with me.

I can't prove his behavior, so I can't really confront him. Right now I'm being cordial, but I don't really react anything he says to me anymore, which annoys him & makes things worse because he thinks I'm losing "interest" in him.

Last edited by ruciful; 09-19-2015 at 01:28 PM..
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Old 09-19-2015, 02:00 PM
 
2,780 posts, read 2,018,571 times
Reputation: 2708
OP:

Everyone in this story needs to just act like cordial co-workers.

That is all.

Not best buddies.

Not best friends.

And your co-worker Adam.

If he is in a relationship, then yes, your behavior is not wise since you have a crush on him.

Because having deep meaningful conversations with a guy who could be in a relationship is prolonging your crush.

And if he is in a relationship, then you need to get over your crush and just act like a co-worker around him.

So that means no spending time alone with him and not having deep meaningful conversations.

The reason why?

Because your spending time alone with him and having deep meaningful conversations creates an emotional connection which leads to emotional intimacy which leads to emotional attachment.

And if he is in a relationship, then you would be a third party in that relationship.

A relationship between two people does not need a third party.

Last edited by snugglegirl05; 09-19-2015 at 02:40 PM..
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Old 09-19-2015, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,201 posts, read 8,509,345 times
Reputation: 35598
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruciful View Post
I can tell he likes our coworker who he hangs around a lot, but she's only interested in him as a best friend.

People also tend to write him off as gay. I actually thought he was gay until the first time a coworker told him to date me; I still have to correct people when I hear them discussing his orientation. Once people find out he's straight, they tend to pair us together.

People haven't noticed that I actually like his best friend/our coworker Adam (good looking guy that I have a lot in common with & have deep conversations with) who I get nervous and excited around. It's good that people don't know b/c he's taken & probably not interested in me, but at the same time this guy Eric will keep thinking I like him.

Even if I explain to Eric that I was never interested, he's going to think I'm lying.

Ugh, what should I do? It actually affects work when we're in the same shift. We're not even teenagers, we're out of college looking for work but he's probably not that used to the idea of someone liking him so he tries to toy with me.

I can't prove his behavior, so I can't really confront him. Right now I'm being cordial, but I don't really react anything he says to me anymore, which annoys him & makes things worse because he thinks I'm losing "interest" in him.
I'm wondering if he IS gay and using you as his beard. He seems to be creating a lot of weird drama with you that most guys would have quickly tired of and moved on. And he seems very immature interacting with women, you anyway.

Don't be so concerned about what he is thinking! You need to be super-professional and avoid being alone with him. No more personal conversations - only work stuff when you HAVE to. And maybe stop getting crushes on coworkers like Adam - chances are you won't end up marrying the guy which means there will be an awkward breakup to contend with all the time at work. Do your part to stop the drama!
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Old 09-19-2015, 02:44 PM
 
32 posts, read 23,841 times
Reputation: 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
I'm wondering if he IS gay and using you as his beard. He seems to be creating a lot of weird drama with you that most guys would have quickly tired of and moved on. And he seems very immature interacting with women, you anyway.
Hey thanks for replying. This situation is weird. Sorry for being, immature here but I'm just trying to learn from this situation.

He might be gay. It's not even my business.

You'd be surprised how many people DON'T get tired of drama. He's not the worst guy I've worked with.

What I'm concerned about is that he instead of helping me at work (whether it's busy or not) he chooses to ignore me in order to stroke his ego:"Oh shoot, I forgot she needed help." Doing so actually puts us at risks of staying at work later than we all intend to because sometimes we get slammed at work. It's not a huge problem, I just to have to make sure to ask someone else for help beforehand even when Eric would probably finish his side work first. I help whoever needs it the most, even this one girl who is rude to everyone.

When I decide he's not really worth being friends with anymore, his behavior becomes worse even though I'm still nice to him overall.

So he thinks I'm losing interest in him as a crush when I'm really losing interest in him as a friend...which is kind of sad. We don't have to be friends in the first place, but he's a really sociable guy, so maybe he's offended when I'm closer with other coworkers because I'm pretty energetic around most people at work.

I am being professional & overall nice: When he compliments me, I say a simple "thanks". When it's flirting or a slight backhanded comment, I pretend to not notice unless it's too serious.

Now he probably thinks I'm playing reverse-psychology or I'm just losing interest in him. I think ignoring him, is making it worse. But confronting him with no solid proof just makes me look dumb, and he would tell everyone.

Last edited by ruciful; 09-19-2015 at 03:01 PM..
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Old 09-19-2015, 03:14 PM
 
32 posts, read 23,841 times
Reputation: 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by snugglegirl05 View Post
OP:

Everyone in this story needs to just act like cordial co-workers.

That is all.

Not best buddies.

Not best friends.

And your co-worker Adam.

If he is in a relationship, then yes, your behavior is not wise since you have a crush on him.

Because having deep meaningful conversations with a guy who could be in a relationship is prolonging your crush.

And if he is in a relationship, then you need to get over your crush and just act like a co-worker around him.

So that means no spending time alone with him and not having deep meaningful conversations.

The reason why?

Because your spending time alone with him and having deep meaningful conversations creates an emotional connection which leads to emotional intimacy which leads to emotional attachment.

And if he is in a relationship, then you would be a third party in that relationship.

A relationship between two people does not need a third party.
As for Adam, we don't typically talk about personal things. It's common interests and weird, but interesting topics that no one else would think about. He puts a humorous spin on even the most boring subject without it being over the top, which is why I started liking him. I did start distancing myself after he got a girlfriend. I would lose respect for him if he cheated on her whether it was with me or not. He's seems like he's really attached to her and I've noticed that she's likeable so I'm glad he's happy.

I can tell he gets bummed out when I'm a little more distant now, but it's necessary and he's not trying to lead me on like Eric. Adam's a standout guy. I do still have that no dating coworker rule. I've been asked out by a couple coworkers and I'm relieved that I only bump into one of them (not even often).

It's still good advice though, I appreciate it.
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Old 09-19-2015, 03:28 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,714,983 times
Reputation: 11933
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruciful View Post
Hey thanks for replying. This situation is weird. Sorry for being, immature here but I'm just trying to learn from this situation.

He might be gay. It's not even my business.

You'd be surprised how many people DON'T get tired of drama. He's not the worst guy I've worked with.

What I'm concerned about is that he instead of helping me at work (whether it's busy or not) he chooses to ignore me in order to stroke his ego:"Oh shoot, I forgot she needed help." Doing so actually puts us at risks of staying at work later than we all intend to because sometimes we get slammed at work. It's not a huge problem, I just to have to make sure to ask someone else for help beforehand even when Eric would probably finish his side work first. I help whoever needs it the most, even this one girl who is rude to everyone.

When I decide he's not really worth being friends with anymore, his behavior becomes worse even though I'm still nice to him overall.

So he thinks I'm losing interest in him as a crush when I'm really losing interest in him as a friend...which is kind of sad. We don't have to be friends in the first place, but he's a really sociable guy, so maybe he's offended when I'm closer with other coworkers because I'm pretty energetic around most people at work.

I am being professional & overall nice: When he compliments me, I say a simple "thanks". When it's flirting or a slight backhanded comment, I pretend to not notice unless it's too serious.

Now he probably thinks I'm playing reverse-psychology or I'm just losing interest in him. I think ignoring him, is making it worse. But confronting him with no solid proof just makes me look dumb, and he would tell everyone.
Just ignore it.

Its all you can do.

FWIW I have a so-called friend who is playing hot.cold with me and I just cant be bothered.

Its a shame and all but when I look at it objectively she was never my friend in the first place, being mainly interested in talking about herself. For example when my cat died I was devastated, she didn't even ask how I was but sat there to talk (again) about her short relationship that had also just died, probably because she did the exact same thing to him.

So. What are you missing out on with this guy? Likely not much. Just ignore him and let him play his games for one.

I think theyre probably narcissists, him and my friend. Its all about them, always.

Take the higher ground.
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Old 09-19-2015, 03:37 PM
 
2,780 posts, read 2,018,571 times
Reputation: 2708
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
I actually had almost the exact same experience as you OP, when I was about 20 or so.

It turns out he had a girlfriend and was just trying to be a nice guy.

He wasn't gay at all, he just wasn't that into me except as a work buddy.
cindersslipper:

My husband and I work for the same company doing the same job for the same location during the same shift. Our employer manages an area of parking garages owned by a property management company.

We are both porters cleaning parking garages.

The only way both of us can work the same shift at the same location is for both of us to work at different parking garages.

Both of us are in our forties.

One of the female employees who works in the garage office where the porters clock in and out at has a crush on my husband. He happens to work in the garage where this garage office is located.

It is obvious to both of us by her behavior that she has a crush on him.

She is in her mid twenties. She has a boyfriend.

He has told me things that she has told him or things she has asked him which made him wonder if she has a crush on him. It was what she told him as well as the questions she asked him which made him wonder if she has a crush on him.

He treats her like a co-worker.

My husband is like the male co-worker in your reply. He just wants to be the nice employee. That is all.

He is not remotely interested in her.

Yet she is goo goo eyed for him.
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Old 09-19-2015, 03:38 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,714,983 times
Reputation: 11933
My ex used to tell me about women who crushed on him.

I decided they could have him.
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Old 09-19-2015, 04:17 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,875 posts, read 20,151,295 times
Reputation: 12398
Why don't you tell your coworker that you aren't attracted to him and never were? Then ask him to stop playing games and behave professionally.

Put it in an email where you have a record of it. The whole situation stinks of harassment.
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Old 09-19-2015, 04:26 PM
 
2,780 posts, read 2,018,571 times
Reputation: 2708
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
Why don't you tell your coworker that you aren't attracted to him and never were? Then ask him to stop playing games and behave professionally.

Put it in an email where you have a record of it. The whole situation stinks of harassment.
And it is sad that the entire situation got to this point.

Why can't men and women work together without any type of harassment happening?
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