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Guys who are nice and want someone that doesn't play games (i.e. people that think sex needs to be "earned") won't put up with it and will move on to nice women that are straight shooters and non game players.
The thing is, to me, a lot of the time on these boards there is no distinction made between women who are waiting until they feel comfortable and women who are "playing games". I mean how do CD men tell the difference, or do they just label any woman who doesn't do it fast enough "immature" or whatever? LOL
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by Tinawina
The thing is, to me, a lot of the time on these boards there is no distinction made between women who are waiting until they feel comfortable and women who are "playing games". I mean how do CD men tell the difference, or do they just label any woman who doesn't do it fast enough "immature" or whatever? LOL
I guess one would know the same way a woman would know if a guy was a "player" or someone that was genuinely interested in her. She'd use her experience, common sense, and perception the other person and of their interactions. There certainly is no checklist for this; that I know of anyway. I trust my gut.
I guess one would know the same way a woman would know if a guy was a "player" or someone that was genuinely interested in her. She'd use her experience, common sense, and perception the other person and of their interactions. There certainly is no checklist for this; that I know of anyway. I trust my gut.
The thing is, to me, a lot of the time on these boards there is no distinction made between women who are waiting until they feel comfortable and women who are "playing games". I mean how do CD men tell the difference, or do they just label any woman who doesn't do it fast enough "immature" or whatever? LOL
I think with those types of posts and posters, the playing games label is slapped onto any woman who isn't "giving" the guy what he wants, when he wants it. They have no regard for the woman or a connection with her, rather their own orgasm.
Well that's not cool of course. No one should ever feel pressure. If someone is pressuring someone unreasonably, then ____ that dude.
But we see, even in this thread, many comments about earning it, or cow/milk crap. It does sound like game playing.
Sure, of course, but if she has a romantic interest in him, it won't take long for her to be ready. Not from what I've seen.
I've done things both ways, been more aggressive, and been more passive, in my 25 years or so of dating, and never once has been being passive (or even being a gentleman, and continue to court politely) led to anything of substance. There has been some times where we held off on sex, but it wasn't because we didn't want it, but because of other factors.
It's not "game playing" and I'm sorry you can't understand that.
It's very basic human psychology that we value things more when we have to work for it. That goes with everything in life. (And woah! I'll stop you right there because I know what you'll say next, "Work for it? That sounds like game playing!"...I assure you, it's not).
"Working" for it isn't a game that should be played but a basic subconscious understanding that, "wow, I really value this person, how much they respect themself, me, and this relationship, so in turn, I'll value this person more." If their intentions are that good from the start it will do nothing but make the person value you more.
Is that to say that sex early on is bad? Not if it's right for your relationship. There's no method that works for everyone but it's a very simple and common concept what's being discussed.
I fear your constant need to draw conclusions about "game playing" when none have been cited indicate an underlying issue with you. Not OP or anyone else's ideas/input.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by Hollandnim
It's not "game playing" and I'm sorry you can't understand that.
It's very basic human psychology that we value things more when we have to work for it. That goes with everything in life. (And woah! I'll stop you right there because I know what you'll say next, "Work for it? That sounds like game playing!"...I assure you, it's not).
"Working" for it isn't a game that should be played but a basic subconscious understanding that, "wow, I really value this person, how much they respect themself, me, and this relationship, so in turn, I'll value this person more." If their intentions are that good from the start it will do nothing but make the person value you more.
Is that to say that sex early on is bad? Not if it's right for your relationship. There's no method that works for everyone but it's a very simple and common concept what's being discussed. I fear your constant need to draw conclusions about "game playing" when none have been cited indicate an underlying issue with you. Not OP or anyone else's ideas/input.
Treating sex as something to be "earned" is game playing, by definition. You're just wrong about that.
You're implying here that somehow witholding sex is about self respect. Again, that is hogwash. That's a red flag right there. It's saying there is something potential disrespectful or non respectable about having sex.
If someone doesn't want to have sex because they don't want to yet, or they're not yet comfortable, or are unsure, that is perfectly ok. If they want to have sex but want the other person to earn it, to prove themselves to them, then that is game playing and just messed up.
Treating sex as something to be "earned" is game playing, buy definition. You're just wrong about that.
You're implying here that somehow witholding sex is about self respect. Again, that is hogwash. That's a red flag right there. It's saying there is something potential disrespectful or non respectable about having sex.
Good grief! I just clearly stated in the above post that "withholding sex for the sake of earning it is immature and clearly game playing."
If you're going to argue with me at least understand my stance so you don't seem misinformed. At this point I'm not even sure who you're arguing with?
Once again, what works for some may not work for others. If OP wants to wait, let her! If someone wants to have sex on the first date, let them! Without judgement and assumed "motives."
The only thing I was saying is that generally speaking, it's a common principle that what doesn't come easily is often more valued. If you still debate that concept I suggest you read up on some basic principles in psychology.
It depends if that was her normal standard of behavior or if she was one of those types that make "relationship material guys" wait and not "hookup material guys" and I speak as someone who usually finds himself in the latter category.
It depends if that was her normal standard of behavior or if she was one of those types that make "relationship material guys" wait and not "hookup material guys" and I speak as someone who usually finds himself in the latter category.
How would you even know that information? It's not something i've ever asked or been asked. When I am with someone, what is relevant is our connection and compatibility, not their past connections with others.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollandnim
The only thing I was saying is that generally speaking, it's a common principle that what doesn't come easily is often more valued. If you still debate that concept I suggest you read up on some basic principles in psychology.
I suggest you actually try to live in the real world. You're being willfully obtuse. If the sex is lousy, or they're incompatible sexually, that won't matter if it occurs on date one or date twenty.
If two people hit it off and have great chemistry, and they're GOOD PEOPLE (this is the key, lots of crummy people out there), then having sex on the first date won't impact the potential negatively. Loads of the weddings I've been to started as hook ups, or ONSs that never ended. They wouldn't have valued the other more by waiting, and they certainly didn't de-value the other person because they had sex right away.
People that do that (devalue the other person because of quick sex) are even worse than game players, they're scumbags (male or female), and while your psychology textbooks might state that this is the norm, it doesn't mean they're any less of a piece of ______ for having that reaction.
This isn't about earning a degree, or money, or a house... this is about another person. People and relationships aren't EARNED, and they don't "come easily" or with difficulty... they are experiences that occur between two people. The idea that romances that have to overcome hurdles are more cherished is romance era literature balderdash that doesn't represent reality.
I prefer to live in reality.
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It's not "game playing" and I'm sorry you can't understand that.
