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The #1 reason women don't have sex isn't cheating... some of you are really paranoid. I bet you all think the government is out to get you too. You all jump to the worst case (and least likely scenario) first.
Anyway, the main reason women don't want to have sex (with someone they love)is the same reason men don't want sex... friggin exhaustion.
OP, you don't mention if your wife works, if you have kids, if there is some event outside the home that's putting undue stress on her or anything that can help us.
Other reasons sex might be dropping:
- It's boring (try turning up the kink or trying something different. Or going to a different place like a weekend getaway)
- Medication (lots of medication, especially birth control meds, mess with hormones and sex drive).
- Thyroid levels or fertility problems or other medical issues
- She's gaining weight/doesn't like her body. Women are very sensitive to this. Maybe she doesn't "feel" sexy.
- You didn't mention age, but menopause could have an effect too. Lots of women get hornier, but a lot go the other way.
- As others have mentioned, maybe you two are growing apart... letting your day-to-day lives disrupt the romance. You need to "date" again if this is the case.
- Others mentioned depression.
- Lack of intimacy and communication (if your sparse thread and accusations that your wife must be cheating are any indication, I have to wonder how often you talk to each other or listen to each other).
My wife's sex drive has always been on the low side but it took a plunge the past few years to almost zero. It coincides with prolonged period of time of being subjected to stress and lack of sleep (for the both of us). She's also been on certain medications that can have that affect as well.... related to postpartum depression prescribed by her OB/GYN.
Its still a hot button subject with her, so I'm taking it very slowly and easily. She is actively avoiding the subject with only "I don't know why." or "Everything is fine."
I still plan to bring it up once in a while in our daily evening talks...
Things that I want to get through to her... still in progress.
* Acknowledge that it is an issue and how it impacts our relationship with each other.
* Get a medical checkup specifically mentioning the lack of sex drive. Have her hormonal levels checked.
* Review the medications the OB/GYN has put her on with a psychiatrist. I don't know why the OB/GYN is not pushing her to do this... its not his speciality.
* Have the psychiatrist talk to us as a couple about possible emotional and psychological reasons for the lack of sexual drive. She has a history of problems stemming from a verbally abusive father... resulting in self-esteem issues.
Just a couple evenings ago, I took it step further and mentioned to her that I miss our "times together" and that the constant rejection is difficult for me to deal with. I then assured her that I'm still very much invested in our relationship.... I think I got through to her.. at least to some limited extent. One step towards her acknowledging that it is a problem.
I think it is important to avoid making this about "your needs" and keep the discussions framed around you both as a "couple". Work on it as a couple. This means trusting her that 1) she isn't cheating and 2) she is considering leaving you. IMO, that will just open up your relationship with more stressors that will just make things more complicated. You need to assure her that you feel secure in relationship and she should also feel the same. Again, focus on the you as a couple. I plan on both of us going to the doctor together for a full medical examination rather than her as just an individual. I think the chances of bringing it up with the doctor when I'm also there is higher.
Much of what you post sounds similar to my situation. For me, its been going on for a very long time.. several years and it has taken a toll on our marriage. We still show affection through hugs, holding hands, little kisses, and such... but when it comes to intimacy/sex, its pretty much non-existent now.
It is difficult... sorry... I wish I had more to offer. Just know you are not alone. I'm in the middle of it as well... still hopeful. Still learning along the way too.
PS> As part of our healing process, we schedule talk time after all is quiet in the house and place a high importance on keeping that scheduled talk. We laid out rules in how that discussion is handled to help us focus on getting things out in the open.. avoid wasting time worrying about feelings hurt, defensive posturing, and sugar coating. It is during this time that I bring up the subject when I feel comfortable doing so. It has helped tremendously. Communication is the key to all relationships.
There are three more... and that is just the start of the list.
No it's none of those. I've considered those but none of them are realistic possibilities. It's just the three that I listed. I think she has a sexual dysfunction because she's hardly ever in the mood. That's by far the most likely.
Well, neither orgasm nor bonding is guaranteed. Exercise, maybe, but sex isn't the great workout that some people like to claim. You're obviously not having sweaty sex marathons, so exercise-wise, lovemaking is more like vacuuming the house. Nobody does that for the cardio. Focus on orgasms and bonding.
You say you two are really open, so have you spoken to her about missing being close to her? Your lack of sexual fulfillment? Is she sympathetic? Has she offered a solution? Why isn't she trying?
The #1 reason women don't have sex isn't cheating... some of you are really paranoid. I bet you all think the government is out to get you too. You all jump to the worst case (and least likely scenario) first.
Anyway, the main reason women don't want to have sex (with someone they love)is the same reason men don't want sex... friggin exhaustion.
OP, you don't mention if your wife works, if you have kids, if there is some event outside the home that's putting undue stress on her.
Other reasons sex might be dropping:
- It's boring (try turning up the kink or trying something different. Or going to a different place like a weekend getaway)
- Medication (lots of medication, especially birth control meds, mess with hormones and sex drive).
- Thyroid levels or fertility problems or other medical issues
- She's gaining weight/doesn't like her body. Women are very sensitive to this. Maybe she doesn't "feel" sexy.
- You didn't mention age, but menopause could have an effect too. Lots of women get hornier, but a lot go the other way.
- As others have mentioned, maybe you two are growing apart... letting your day-to-day lives disrupt the romance. You need to "date" again if this is the case.
- Others mentioned depression.
No, the most likely reasons are the ones I listed. I've considered everything.
Whenever I try to initiate sex with my wife, most of the time she says that she's not in the mood. This is very troubling for me because I can only think of 3 possibilities as to what's going on, which are :
1. She's cheating
2. She's thinking of leaving
3. She has some kind of sexual dysfunction
I very much doubt that she's cheating. I know enough about her schedule and comings and goings to know that it would be very hard.
I have no reason to think that she would want to leave. She generally seems happy and we've always been open about things. If there was a problem she would have brought it up long ago and it would have been dealt with by now.
So the only thing that makes any sense to me is that she has a sexual dysfunction.
I can't understand how a woman would not be in the mood to have sex with her own husband. There's nothing about sex that is unappealing. It's all positive. You get an orgasm, you get exercise, and you get to bond. It's win win. That's why I don't take her reason at face value. It's obviously either an excuse for something else or it's due to a sexual dysfunction that makes it hard for her to enjoy sex. I believe that most women who say that they're not in the mood come under one of the 3 categories above.
I don't think it could be anything to do with deliberately withholding sex, although my friends have suggested this as a strong possibility. I don't really think women do that.
But this still leaves me with a problem that I can't figure out how to solve, and whenever I bring it up she says everything is fine.
I have one word for you: Kink.
Try something more interesting than "wham, bam, thank you maam".
You may be pleasantly surprised.
Well, neither orgasm nor bonding is guaranteed. Exercise, maybe, but sex isn't the great workout that some people like to claim. You're obviously not having sweaty sex marathons, so exercise-wise, lovemaking is more like vacuuming the house. Nobody does that for the cardio. Focus on orgasms and bonding.
You say you two are really open, so have you spoken to her about missing being close to her? Your lack of sexual fulfillment? Is she sympathetic? Has she offered a solution? Why isn't she trying?
I don't know why she's not trying. No idea. I always initiate but she just says nope, not in the mood. Often she seems a little bit smug about saying no, and I don't know why. The last time we had sex was after I fixed her car about a month ago. Who knows, maybe there's some manipulation going on but I have my doubts.
No, the most likely reasons are the ones I listed. I've considered everything.
Maybe you have considered it, but did you ask your wife? How do you know for sure (for example) that she's not depressed unless you talk to her? How do you know for sure she isn't getting bored with the same, old same old sex unless you talked to her? How do you know for sure she doesn't have an underlying medical problem (or did you and her go to the doctor to figure this out?).
I don't know, maybe you two have been discussing it, but nothing that you've written give any indication that you have explored all those possibilities together. It sounds like you've just been thinking about it on your own.
There are three more... and that is just the start of the list.
Popped in to say this, and the list isn't just things that fault the OP, either. When I'm not in the mood, the #1 reason for it is stress.
Following up on the thread makes it seem like there's more to it than that, but at face value, there are a LOT of reasons why someone may not want to get down.
I don't know why she's not trying. No idea. I always initiate but she just says nope, not in the mood. Often she seems a little bit smug about saying no, and I don't know why. The last time we had sex was after I fixed her car about a month ago. Who knows, maybe there's some manipulation going on but I have my doubts.
Hmm. Why are you so sure that other people's suggestions are not possible? Feeling unsexy and avoiding unfulfilling sex are potentially huge issues. It can be very difficult for a woman to tell her husband he is not really doing it for her, especially if she has no expectations or knowledge about what really good sex feels like. Has she had a prolonged, multi-orgasmic experience with you? If so, how long ago was it?
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