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You should have talked to other guys OP. Next time
Meeting parents and talking of marriage means nothing OP. Did he give you a ring? I never understand why girls believe they are engaged when there's no proposal.
This is like the thing guys say to keep women sweet. It fools them every time!
No, no ring. He was the one that kept bringing up marriage while I told him I didn't want to talk about it till after graduation since I'm nowhere near ready to get engaged/married/start a family. He's been calling/texting me the last 2 days but I haven't replied. Trying to take a step back and make some sense of it all. I honestly don't know how to let go. Our relationship was amazing up till this point.
I know I know, you guys warned me. I just didn't want to have any regrets with all of the "what if's" scenarios running through my head. I've never had the slightest thought of talking/dating another guy even though several have asked me out since I got together with bf, can't believe this is happening right now. I know he doesn't want to break up, but in light of this whole situation, I just want to end it once and for all. I wish I stuck through it the first time around.
We were in the same city for about 8-9 months. I had to move to start an MHA program, not for med school. The residency/fellowship at the hospital is a management position and I have several options open. I can't even talk to him about this because when I bring her up, it's like he gets annoyed.
That's honestly what it made me feel when he told me about the girl. I felt like a rebound. And now that she's back in the picture, I'm the second choice again. He keeps reassuring me that it's not the case and I want to believe him but I'm finding it hard to. Why would this guy even bring me to meet his parents or talk about marriage if he was so hung up on another girl? I'll never understand. I honestly feel so stupid for spending all that time and energy on him at this point.
I know I know, you guys warned me. I just didn't want to have any regrets with all of the "what if's" scenarios running through my head. I've never had the slightest thought of talking/dating another guy even though several have asked me out since I got together with bf, can't believe this is happening right now. I know he doesn't want to break up, but in light of this whole situation, I just want to end it once and for all. I wish I stuck through it the first time around.
We were in the same city for about 8-9 months. I had to move to start an MHA program, not for med school. The residency/fellowship at the hospital is a management position and I have several options open. I can't even talk to him about this because when I bring her up, it's like he gets annoyed.
That's honestly what it made me feel when he told me about the girl. I felt like a rebound. And now that she's back in the picture, I'm the second choice again. He keeps reassuring me that it's not the case and I want to believe him but I'm finding it hard to. Why would this guy even bring me to meet his parents or talk about marriage if he was so hung up on another girl? I'll never understand. I honestly feel so stupid for spending all that time and energy on him at this point.
Who initiates most of the contact with each other between you and your BF? One test if you will is to ease off a bit on initiating contact with him and see how much he initiates with you. It's crude, but can be a rough proxy of how often you're on the other person's mind.
You're very young and things happen so there's no need for you to feel foolish or stupid. It's wise of you to engage third parties who have no direct ties to the situation to solicit feedback since it's much easier for us to distance ourselves (emotionally) from the situation. I wouldn't bother dwelling on or even thinking about past mistakes, decisions, etc; what's done is done. In this case, it's actually an advantage to be separated from him geographically; this makes it a lot easier to back away from the relationship, as you're not spending that much time together to begin with.
If you're being asked out by other guys, you should consider taking some of those guys up on their offers. There are a lot of people floating around and you're still very young; no need to commit to someone who seems noncommital towards you. I'm not saying that we're not individuals, but the whole concept of 'the one' is a bit misguided, IMO. As someone else noted, the fact that your BF and the other girl kept in contact for such a long time (12+ months) after supposedly only having gone on a few dates is a huge red flag. I have a very sharp memory and doubt I'd even be able to NAME half the girls I've gone out with a few times here and there.
No, no ring. He was the one that kept bringing up marriage while I told him I didn't want to talk about it till after graduation since I'm nowhere near ready to get engaged/married/start a family. He's been calling/texting me the last 2 days but I haven't replied. Trying to take a step back and make some sense of it all. I honestly don't know how to let go. Our relationship was amazing up till this point.
OK, let me ask you this..
After expressing your concern to him about this girl, does he make an effort to lessen contact with her? Does she even know he has a serious girlfriend, OP? What do you think he's been telling her?
If she contacts him excessively, he should tell her he has a girlfriend and you come first.
It's not like you are banning him to contact his friends. Friends of a platonic nature are always allowed.
Getting too defensive is a red flag. If he has nothing to hide, he should have no problems showing you their communication and keep things in the open. Btw, I'm still friends with my ex. We only ever meet when the boyfriend is there and he approves of the meeting. She also kisses him in front of me to make things doubly clear he is her man.
If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, compromise should be in the equation. You've compromised on your part by not speaking to other guys. What would he do if you spoke to other guys?
The other comments here about the bf and other girl breaking up on good terms is valid too. I think they are still attracted to each other. At least he enjoys the attention and is not willing to give it up. Can you accept his friendship with this girl even after you are married?
It's best to step back and be honest with what you want from him. A talk may be due too about the bf seeing the other girl.
Intuition means something and is an extremely important, if not most important, communication/social tool, honed over the course of human evolution. It can't give us answers but it can definitely let us know something isn't as it seems, which should compel us to seek answers. Here, IMO the picture thing is where I think there is a problem.
I have pics of women I have dated on my phone but they're platonic - of her like at some tourist attraction - purposefully, there are no pics of me and her together (though I do keep those and other "relationship" pics but I don't have those on my phone - they are PW protected buried deep in my PC ).
So, I think you're right it is a problem, the question is how deep is it. My bet is he uses her as a feminine energy replacement for when he is not in contact with you (which is a lot owing to the LDR). It's probably totally innocent but it fills a need - she answers his messages, she probably laughs at his jokes, they have some deep talks - it makes him feel like a man.
I have done this, and it was innocent, and when I did it early on, I didn't quite realize what I was doing - this is probably why he reacts viscerally. I don't think he is or will soon have an affair with this woman, or leave you for her. If he wanted to do that, he'd keep things on the down low, right? Still a possibility but again, my bet is she's an innocent/unwitting feminine energy substitute. If this is the case I don't know if there's really a fix but at least you'd have the facts.
Who initiates most of the contact with each other between you and your BF? One test if you will is to ease off a bit on initiating contact with him and see how much he initiates with you. It's crude, but can be a rough proxy of how often you're on the other person's mind.
You're very young and things happen so there's no need for you to feel foolish or stupid. It's wise of you to engage third parties who have no direct ties to the situation to solicit feedback since it's much easier for us to distance ourselves (emotionally) from the situation. I wouldn't bother dwelling on or even thinking about past mistakes, decisions, etc; what's done is done. In this case, it's actually an advantage to be separated from him geographically; this makes it a lot easier to back away from the relationship, as you're not spending that much time together to begin with.
If you're being asked out by other guys, you should consider taking some of those guys up on their offers. There are a lot of people floating around and you're still very young; no need to commit to someone who seems noncommital towards you. I'm not saying that we're not individuals, but the whole concept of 'the one' is a bit misguided, IMO. As someone else noted, the fact that your BF and the other girl kept in contact for such a long time (12+ months) after supposedly only having gone on a few dates is a huge red flag. I have a very sharp memory and doubt I'd even be able to NAME half the girls I've gone out with a few times here and there.
He does. Well he wakes up at like 6am for work everyday so he texts me when he wakes up and we talk throughout the day. I considered our relationship to be pretty serious so I didn't entertain the thought of other guys.
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnaWilde
OK, let me ask you this..
After expressing your concern to him about this girl, does he make an effort to lessen contact with her? Does she even know he has a serious girlfriend, OP? What do you think he's been telling her?
If she contacts him excessively, he should tell her he has a girlfriend and you come first.
It's not like you are banning him to contact his friends. Friends of a platonic nature are always allowed.
Getting too defensive is a red flag. If he has nothing to hide, he should have no problems showing you their communication and keep things in the open. Btw, I'm still friends with my ex. We only ever meet when the boyfriend is there and he approves of the meeting. She also kisses him in front of me to make things doubly clear he is her man.
If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, compromise should be in the equation. You've compromised on your part by not speaking to other guys. What would he do if you spoke to other guys?
The other comments here about the bf and other girl breaking up on good terms is valid too. I think they are still attracted to each other. At least he enjoys the attention and is not willing to give it up. Can you accept his friendship with this girl even after you are married?
It's best to step back and be honest with what you want from him. A talk may be due too about the bf seeing the other girl.
I don't know if he made that effort, I don't see him often. I didn't even think to ask him if she knew that he had a girlfriend. He said they only talk every now and then, but not often. Every time I try to ask more about the whole situation relating to her, he gets irritated, so I really don't know much about her. I plan on ignoring him for a few more days so that we could both think about this, even though he's been trying to talk to me. Maybe this will also give him a chance to figure out his feelings. I will probably end it if he doesn't clear this up, this whole situation makes me uncomfortable and I have no desire to "fight" for his feelings. I just have a hard time ending it with him because even though it's probably not true, I'm convinced I won't have feelings like this for another guy again.
I don't know if he made that effort, I don't see him often. I didn't even think to ask him if she knew that he had a girlfriend. He said they only talk every now and then, but not often. Every time I try to ask more about the whole situation relating to her, he gets irritated, so I really don't know much about her.
so, this guy is ready to go into marriage with you but continues being secretive about the other other girl?
I smell BS. About his intentions of marriage and also his intentions with this girl. If anything, he should be reassuring you that she knows he has a serious girlfriend.
This does not bode well at all. You have every right to ask the man you love what exactly is going on and what the other girl knows. I thought this was common sense ..Just as he would tell all his friends and family he has a serious girlfriend. Why should that one 'special' friend not know about you?
Quote:
I plan on ignoring him for a few more days so that we could both think about this, even though he's been trying to talk to me. Maybe this will also give him a chance to figure out his feelings. I will probably end it if he doesn't clear this up, this whole situation makes me uncomfortable and I have no desire to "fight" for his feelings. I just have a hard time ending it with him because even though it's probably not true, I'm convinced I won't have feelings like this for another guy again.
It's better to have feelings for the right guy instead of one who makes you feel so concerned. When you know you deserve better, you will actively seek out guys who are less evasive. You have to believe you deserve better first
Someone previously mentioned the 'out of sight, out of mind' thing, and that's especially true for LDRs. It's like, you have this really great person, but they're just not a part of your physical reality.. That becomes a really lonely and confusing place to be over time... ~ OP, you & this other chic both moved away and left him on his own. ( nobody's fault - that's life. ) I personally can't imagine meeting up with an old flame if I had a local bf. But I might.. if that bf moved away and I hardly ever saw him. ( In fact, I probably would.. )
You should talk to his "friend" so you can get a better feel for where she is at and give her a chance to get to know you a bit. After that, you will have a much better idea of what is really going on here.
There is a REASON why a man still keeps a picture of his old flame....It's because that flame still burns in his heart. Seriously, I have never once bother to keep any of my ex girlfriends' pictures once they are out of my life, it all ends in the trash. No need to sit there and stare at it.
I will never date or stay with someone who carries a picture of their ex with them. Honestly, it's not that difficult to decipher. Especially if they get angry or emotional about it if you approach the topic. In my life, I always, always trust my instinct when it comes to relationships. If my Spidey sense tells me something is wrong. 99.9% of the time, my sense is right...there is something wrong. It's crazy so many people ignore their senses is telling them because their heart blinds them.
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thing guys say to keep women sweet. It fools them every time!
You've compromised on your part by not speaking to other guys. What would he do if you spoke to other guys? 
). 
..Just as he would tell all his friends and family he has a serious girlfriend. Why should that one 'special' friend not know about you? 
)
