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Old 10-04-2015, 05:46 PM
 
9,865 posts, read 14,059,203 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Immortal Flesh View Post
I clearly have lots of experience and still don't know that one little crucial part...or maybe I do, I just have yet to unbury the information?

But really, the only other thing is that the few guys who I've had real long term relationships with did compliment me a lot (genuine compliments, not the false compliments of a smooth guy just trying to get in your pants...I at least know that difference) and they seemed to think excessively highly of me. They also seemed to want to take care of me way early on, like making plans for me to move in or go on trips within a few dates. But in all honesty that's not very many people.
I'm going to assume you do really want a true partner. Forget counting compliments or thinking about if they want to take care of you!
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Old 10-04-2015, 07:12 PM
 
388 posts, read 381,418 times
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You sound a little immature OP. There are certain types of guys who will do anything for a woman, even tolerate bad treatment just to be with her. Scheming works well with these guys because they have little self confidence.

Witholding sex alone will not get you the guy. Expecting gifts will not help you get the guy. Guys with game and a lot going for him can smell this kind of woman from a mile away and avoid.

The only thing I agree with you is guys valuing girls more after investing a lot of time and energy. The girl has to be worth investing in though and bring something to the table.
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Old 10-04-2015, 07:55 PM
 
Location: Paranoid State
13,044 posts, read 13,828,187 times
Reputation: 15839
Quote:
Originally Posted by Immortal Flesh View Post
"Again for women, but not men, having sex early in the scheme of things signified to them that their partner was committed to the relationship. For men, having sex early in the dating period didn’t actually have that same meaning."

This is interesting. Thank you.
The above observation is characterized in Jay Leno's famous joke:

Quote:
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
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Old 10-04-2015, 08:06 PM
 
Location: Paranoid State
13,044 posts, read 13,828,187 times
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Do a google search on "key success factors in a relationship" and you will find several articles to give you some insight into relationship advice.
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Old 10-04-2015, 08:09 PM
 
Location: Bangladesh
50 posts, read 44,749 times
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Good advice @SportyandMisty. Thanks a lot!
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Old 10-04-2015, 08:30 PM
 
Location: Paranoid State
13,044 posts, read 13,828,187 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Immortal Flesh View Post
...I know whether I like them or not, but it's hard to gauge their interest in me. I know mostly when a guy wants to have sex, but beyond that, no idea early on.

That's why, if you look at every point I made, it ALL comes back to trying to measure how into me a person is...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Immortal Flesh View Post
...How does one become a good judge of character? Besides experience (which basically means screwing up a lot and learning from it, or watching others screw up)

I'm going to make the following observation. I say this with the intent of being helpful - not hurtful.

You say you have difficulty telling if a guy is into you. This is an instance of the general area of reading people - which is to say non-verbal communications. You also look for a set of rules to help you with dating.

There is a name for people who have difficulty with nonverbal communications, and who seek verbal rules for doing things in everyday life. Read on.

It is possible you have a specific type of learning disability that makes it difficult for you to read people. My daughter is your age, and she has this type of LD, and she has difficulty reading people, especially boyfriends. It is usually called "nonverbal learning disability" or NVLD or NLD. People with NVLD typically are

(a) very bright,
(b) very verbal,
(c) rather literal,
(d) posses an excellent memory,
(e) are less gifted - or struggle at "visual-spatial processing" -- things such as geometry and art and 3-D sketching and architecture and the like, and higher math in general (abstractions)
(e) have difficulty reading people,
(f) communicate better over the telephone or via text message or email because there is little "non-verbal" involved,
(g) have some difficulty in social situations.

See for example https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonver...rning_disorder

and

https://www.understood.org/en/learni...g-disabilities

Now, it is possible to learn to read non-verbal cues. There are books on this, and youtube videos, and classes, etc. See for example http://www.nytimes.com/2003/08/05/he...-fleeting.html

Last edited by SportyandMisty; 10-04-2015 at 08:40 PM..
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Old 10-04-2015, 08:44 PM
 
388 posts, read 381,418 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SportyandMisty View Post
I'm going to make the following observation. I say this with the intent of being helpful - not hurtful.

You say you have difficulty telling if a guy is into you. This is an instance of the general area of reading people - which is to say non-verbal communications. You also look for a set of rules to help you with dating.

There is a name for people who have difficulty with nonverbal communications, and who seek verbal rules for doing things in everyday life. Read on.

It is possible you have a specific type of learning disability that makes it difficult for you to read people. My daughter is your age, and she has this type of LD, and she has difficulty reading people, especially boyfriends.
OP is only 24, that's a baby in terms of life's experiences. She doesn't know the intention of guys dating her so she looks for obvious signs of attraction on their part. If it works for her then it works for her. It's what makes her feel secure.

Why does it have to be a learning disability or some mental impairment? All I get from her posts is an immature, 24 year old girl with not much experience and extrapolating theories from her limited dating experiences
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Old 10-04-2015, 10:12 PM
 
Location: Paranoid State
13,044 posts, read 13,828,187 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnaWilde View Post
... Why does it have to be a learning disability or some mental impairment?
Clearly, it does not need to be a learning disability. It is just a hypothetical low-probability possibility. The intent of my post was purely to be helpful so the OP knows such a thing exists in the off-chance it is relevant. Let's just leave it at that.
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Old 10-05-2015, 09:16 AM
 
4,613 posts, read 4,784,415 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Immortal Flesh View Post
That's interesting. It's not just me who's noticed this, though; there have been studies done on this. Here is an example: (How Long You Wait, Statistically, Determines How Long You Date)

An excerpt:

"To gain a more scientifically verifiable answer to whether or not sex early on is detrimental to a relationship, Busby “recruited 2,035 heterosexual individuals who had an average age of 36 and were in their first marriages” and administered them a questionnaire that revolved around relationship satisfaction and stability.

Next, the participants were asked to self-report whether or not they had sex early in their relationship, late in their relationship or waited until marriage.

According to Bryner, “relationships fared better and better the longer a person waited to have sex, up until marriage, with those hitting the sack before a month showing the worst outcomes.”

Statistics showed when compared to the “early” group, those who waited until marriage rated:

1. Relationship stability 22 percent higher.

2. Relationship satisfaction 20 percent higher.

3. Sexual quality 15 percent better.

4. Communication 12 percent better."

I'm by no means an abstinence advocate (obviously), but waiting a bit appears to have something going for it. I know this was a small study, but it's reflecting something.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
One thing I noticed from both of these studies: Since the status of the relationship is self-reported, there is subjectivity in determining what qualifies as a "relationship". And while it doesn't explicitly say so, I'm willing to bet that there's a lot of under reporting of "men who don't like games" (or however you'd want to phrase it), which would inherently shorten the length of time of "non-sexual relationships".

Put another way: If a woman sleeps with a man and he doesn't call back, she will report that as a "sexual relationship", specifically, one that didn't have a long shelf-life.

BUT, if a woman holds out and the man reads negatively into it (for any reason: maybe he thought she was too conservative, maybe he thought she didn't find him attractive, maybe he just wanted to get laid, etc.), he'll walk and the woman might not report it as a "relationship" because it didn't achieve any form of intimacy, emotional or otherwise.

In some cases, the woman is dodging a bullet here. In others, despite trying to convince themselves otherwise, she may be letting a good guy go because she's giving off a poor impression. Either way, I think that that's one way that the subjectivity of self-reporting could get in the way of actual results.

It really comes down to this: If you think holding out works, than by all means, hold out. Simply be aware that there are more effects to that kind of behavior than "men will be more interested in a relationship", because a) there's more to it than that and b) I really doubt that's the case, most of the time.

Last edited by Hivemind31; 10-05-2015 at 10:41 AM.. Reason: subjective, not objective. smh :(
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Old 10-05-2015, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,761,388 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hivemind31 View Post
One thing I noticed from both of these studies: Since the status of the relationship is self-reported, there is objectivity in determining what qualifies as a "relationship". And while it doesn't explicitly say so, I'm willing to bet that there's a lot of under reporting of "men who don't like games" (or however you'd want to phrase it), which would inherently shorten the length of time of "non-sexual relationships".
Agree. This kind of thing is very hard to quantify.
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