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Old 01-30-2008, 09:15 AM
 
9 posts, read 11,344 times
Reputation: 16
Default Have to disagree with the adoption idea!

Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
One extreme thought is to place your baby up for adoption. And it's not because you don't love your baby, but more that it seems like you and your wife aren't ready to collectively put in a strong parental effort into raising the baby. Then go back to work on your marriage and be diligent with your birth control methods this time. And in putting up your baby for adoption, you will make a childless couple very happy. At least think about it for a few moments. As I've said before, my boyfriend's mom and her siblings were all adopted as babies and had a wonderful and loving upbringing by their adopting parents.

And no, just because you are better looking and more charming than this other man, doesn't mean that you are better able to make your wife feel good about herself. But maybe it's in part because you and the baby represent the motherhood she doesn't want now.
MIU, thanks for the post here but adoption? At no point did I mention that we were not good parents or providers for our daughter. By the way, we were on birth control when we conceived. I appreciate your post, but have to disagree with the adoption idea.
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Old 01-30-2008, 09:19 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,680 posts, read 20,795,587 times
Reputation: 9765
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhearteddad View Post
MIU, thanks for the post, here but adoption. At no point did I mention that we were not good parents or providers for our daughter. By the way, we were on birth control when we conceived. I appreciate your post, but have to disagree with the adoption idea.
I never said that you weren't good parents, but you did also say that your wife didn't want the baby, and even after the birth, was not keen on being a mother. And you should never feel guilty about putting a baby up for adoption as long as it's going to a good loving home.

To me, it's a choice between your wife's happiness with the marriage and the baby that arrived too soon imo. And I don't think that she's going to be ready to be a content mother anytime soon, not even with counseling. But good luck to you.
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Old 01-30-2008, 09:23 AM
 
9 posts, read 11,344 times
Reputation: 16
Default I understand what you are saying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
I never said that you weren't good parents, but you did also say that your wife didn't want the baby, and even after the birth, was not keen on being a mother. And you should never feel guilty about putting a baby up for adoption as long as it's going to a good loving home.

To me, it's a choice between your wife's happiness with the marriage and the baby that arrived too soon imo. And I don't think that she's going to be ready to be a content mother anytime soon, not even with counseling. But good luck to you.
I understand your point. My wife was not a good wife, but is a good mother and loves our daughter completely as do I. I do agree that the baby was way too soon and I do know that I need to be a strong parent and good role model for her in case her mother is not.

Thanks for you input, it is appreciated.
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Old 01-30-2008, 10:13 AM
 
16 posts, read 40,771 times
Reputation: 30
It takes all attitudes, doesn't it? I am floored at some of the advice, but that's my own opinion & not important.

My thought, your wife needs to grow up. You cannot make her do that but at some time she might. About the previous relationship, did she tell you about the car/leaving issue or is that something you know for a fact? It sounds that she is truly unstable with herself & is way too ready to jump & run to something new cause she's unhappy with her current circumstances. Why she's unhappy is unknown.

Do not compare yourself to this other person. I think it's her own self image that has caused her to choose someone who is so your exact opposite. Makes me wonder if this guy is still married & hoping to play around a bit.

Above all else, even if you need to get custody, do not relinquish that baby for adoption. I know several single dads who are making it work fabulously with primary custody of the child. You say she's a good Mom ~ good for all of you. Keep seeing your daughter so she will always know you. But do not use that contact to discuss the relationship between yourself & wife. You don't want her to deny one because it seems to be intertwined. Does that make sense to you?

How about discussing with her maybe starting all over with dating & the whole courtship thing - without sex so she will not feel pressured on that front? If she's willing, forego dating others until things are resolved (however it turns out) between you. Keep your job, no reason to think of changing at this point.

Good luck with your decisions & I hope you can say later things have worked out.
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Old 01-30-2008, 10:18 AM
 
Location: Papillion
2,583 posts, read 6,705,037 times
Reputation: 831
Quote:
Originally Posted by eeyorefan5 View Post
It takes all attitudes, doesn't it? I am floored at some of the advice, but that's my own opinion & not important.

My thought, your wife needs to grow up.

How about discussing with her maybe starting all over with dating & the whole courtship thing - without sex so she will not feel pressured on that front? If she's willing, forego dating others until things are resolved (however it turns out) between you. Keep your job, no reason to think of changing at this point.

Good luck with your decisions & I hope you can say later things have worked out.
Excellent advice
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Old 01-30-2008, 10:22 AM
 
Location: Plano, Texas
8,640 posts, read 13,939,009 times
Reputation: 21111
Sorry about your current situation. I think it's definitely time for some tough love with your wife. In other words, I suggest saying (in your own words, of course) something like the following to her:
I still love you and would like to see our marriage work. We have had some good years and a child together, but if our marriage is not something you can commit to, I am prepared to let it go.

You can obtain a copy of a rather old book ( still available and updated on Amazon.com: Online Shopping for Electronics, Apparel, Computers, Books, DVDs & more) entitled Love Must be Tough:New hope for Marriages in Crisis, by James Dobson. I think he gives some solid advice about this type of scenario in there. More and better than I can here.

Sometimes people will come to their senses if they feel that they are truly "free to make their own decisions" and suffer the consequences. (Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking they can salvage a marriage by being too accomodating i.e.-you give them their "freedom.") And she may be determined to go her own way. There may be nothing you can do to prevent that. You may indeed have to let go, but hopefully not.

Praying for you and wishing you both the best...

Last edited by kaykay; 01-30-2008 at 10:41 AM..
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Old 01-30-2008, 11:52 AM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,297,714 times
Reputation: 3443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fat Freddy View Post
The baby is so young that you haven't really had time to bond with it, so you will get over it when she gets custody. Don't try to get visitation rights.
She will probably remarry soon and the baby will get a new daddy. Your participation will just complicate things.
I have to say that the advice given in this post to give away your daughter is preposterous! The father in the opening post is clearly interested in being a father to his daughter. This is terrible advice!
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Old 01-30-2008, 11:54 AM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,297,714 times
Reputation: 3443
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhearteddad View Post
MIU, thanks for the post here but adoption? At no point did I mention that we were not good parents or providers for our daughter. By the way, we were on birth control when we conceived. I appreciate your post, but have to disagree with the adoption idea.
GOOD. I have to agree that the posts saying walk away from your daughter are totally off base! Why would anyone who wants to be a father walk away from his daughter?
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Old 01-30-2008, 12:06 PM
 
Location: Knoxville
1,144 posts, read 1,954,265 times
Reputation: 339
It takes 2 to make anything work, and 2 willing people. Sounds like she has sought bad advice, and like the other post said, be careful about going out, as she could turn that around against you. You need to find good people , maybe a church care group, that would give you the best support you need. Stay strong and if she is not willing, then make plans to move on, and keep the great spirit you have, and you will be stonger in the end. Also keep doing whatever possible, to save your relationship with your daughter.
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Old 01-30-2008, 12:21 PM
 
Location: In the woods next to the ocean
3,887 posts, read 7,990,884 times
Reputation: 5709
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
I have to say that the advice given in this post to give away your daughter is preposterous!
I didn't say to give her away. I said to leave her with her mother. The post about adoption is the one that said to give her away.

Most child custody disputes have more to do with the egos of the parents than concern for the child's future.

In the long run, the child will benefit more from being raised in a normal family with a mother and a stepfather than having a sometime visiting parent who can't really relate to her.

Go to the Zoo or Kiddieland on any Sunday and you will see a parade of divorced fathers participating in a pitiful ritual to try to relate to their "ex-children". Both the father and the kids have their own, non-intersecting, lives and really don't want to be there.
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