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Mikala, thank you for being so understanding. You are the only one that has commented that has stated you are a step-parent. It's nice to know that I'm not completely crazy for wanting certain things out of my partner where the kids are concerned.
Glad I could help.
Listen, you can't have the inmates running the asylum. He has told you more than enough for you to probably start backing away from this relationship.
I'll have my husband read your post, I'm curious what he'll say, though I know generally what it will be.
My husband and I have now been married for 3 years. The boy is 14 (other kidlets are adults) and we do not refer to me as stepmom. I am an adult and this is my house, and he does what I ask him to. I've never heard "your not my mom!!!", and if I do I will get a good laugh out of it. I'm not some evil witch either, I cook stuff he likes, teach him how to do things, plan stuff to do....
We have disagreements on discipline, chores and other stuff just like anyone else. My husband respects my opinion, and I realize that ultimately it is his decision.
Do not be an outsider in your own home. Do not be made to feel selfish for basic rights. Do not be ostracized from the family dynamic.
Best wishes.
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The OP has to realize, that dating a man with small children means he comes with baggage. I don't blame him for being careful. 1. He doesn't want the children to get attached to someone he's not ready to commit to, and then have their poor little hearts broken again. Since there's no talk of marriage, I assume moving in is more for convenience than commitment. 2. He also wants to be sure that the OP will fully accept and treat the children as her own. There are millions of studies of "mean" step moms. IMHO, until there's discussion of marriage, moving in is out of the question, and a good relationship with his children, moving in is way too premature.
There HAS been discussion about marriage. At almost 40, neither of us wants to get married, ever, again. That does not mean a person can not commit to a loving forever relationship. Seeing as moving in was his suggestion, I would think he would have already thought of his children's potential broken hearts. Moving in is in no way for convience. We both have a career we love, and can sustain alone. Maybe ask these things, instead of assuming them.
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I suppose I will approach the subject again. Ask what his plan is. Somewhere in there mention, again, that I would like to meet them before we live together. I have held off using that whole "either I meet them or I don't move in with you" idea because I don't want to be accused of pushing it. However, I'm being pushed to discuss moving in, looking at homes, an discussing leases without even a mention of what that means for his kids. I guess if he stands firm that I can not meet them, I will have to respectfully bow out. I won't be pushed into something I'm not comfortable with. It's sad because from what I've heard of them, they seem like decent kids. I wanted to get to know them, but now I'm not so sure seeing as I feel like if only be there as a body and not have any say in my own home.
No, my marriage ended amicably. My ex-husband and I are still friendly on the occasion we are at the same place, same time. We share a few friends in common still. He called me when his mom was ill, so I could see her before she passed away. I was also invited to te funeral. I appreciated that the family thought of me during that time.
That's way to passive for me, but at least you are establishing boundaries.....
I would NOT move in with him because there is not enough time to get to know the kids, and work out adult dynamics by February.
I think he knows exactly what he is doing, he will have you meet them right before (as if the 4 months til Feb. isn't ALREADY right before), get you in there so it's hard for you to back out. He has already instructed you how things will run, so if you try to argue after you all move in, he can say "I told you it was like this".
Usually I feel for the kids bearing the brunt of adults bad decisions, I think them and their Dad will be fine, and you'll be the one to pay.
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Some people don't want the new girlfriend/spouse meeting and getting close with the kids right away, no big deal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Normally I advise couples to take SEVERAL months before they introduce the SO to kids. You really should only meet them if you are in a truly committed relationship.
[quote=augiedogie;41546294 1. He doesn't want the children to get attached to someone he's not ready to commit to, and then have their poor little hearts broken again. [/quote]
They've been dating since April 2013. I don't have kids, but I think it's incredibly odd OP has NOT met the kids after 2.5 years!
OP, have you discussed what is supposed to happen when you live together and he has the kids? He doesn't want you to be a part of their lives. So, are you supposed to stay at a hotel - and take all your belongings so they don't realize Daddy lives with a girl? There is something really odd about this.
Thank you Mikala. Obviously some people do not understand exactly what it is to have step-children (on any level). My best friend moved in with a man almost 10 years ago, and they blended their families. She is just as much a mother to his children as their real mother. She loves them, and they love her. And vice versa for her husband. However, her husband wasn't that shy about setting up a plan for her to meet his children. As a matter of fact, he had planned a day in the park for them so they could all do family activities together and have lunch. That is how she met his kids, and he met hers. After almost two years with my boyfriend, I am simply concerned that I will forever be treated like an outcast. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way. Just as there is nothing wrong with him feeling he doesn't want to introduce me to his children. However, he would have to understand that I couldn't move in with an instant family I don't even know. That is the case here. I didn't ask the question to get a diagnosis on his marital status. I asked whether or not my feelings were out of line.
I am a bit confused. You said his lease is up and he has the kids every other weekend.
So you are both moving out of your apartment, into a new one?
And there is going to be a room for the children? So you are not moving in with a family, they will be there to visit every second weekend for the whole weekend?
What did he say about the mother wanting to meet you?
I think passive is my style lol honestly, I won't wait until February for a decision. When I state my case, I'll tell him he has a week to think about it. If he still chooses to deny any meetings between myself and the kids (and their mom) our relationship will have to stop. I can't keep living like he's hiding me. I'd rather be alone at that point. I was for almost six years after my divorce and I actually really liked it.
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