What are you looking for? (guys, friends, couple, romantic)
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The bolded is exactly what I'm talking about... if you sit down and list out a tons of shyt it just sounds so... IDK...... childish... life doesn't work like that and people aren't so easily put into a box... I say this as a middle aged guy that has a clue about human nature and how things work... of course we all want the laundry list... and most people have a lot of those items that we like....just most likely not all.....
The bolded is exactly my point.... have some fun... have a connection.... just drop the f ing laundry list and try and find someone that you can have a connection with... cause folks... at the end of the day... when you've got your nose in that list... you just might miss the greatest person you could possibly meet... right in front of your face.... and she/he might not tick every box on that list.........
Just sayin....
I think the problem with the "list" is that someone could meet the whole thing as it doesn't work at all. So maybe the list was wrong. What is really most important?
LOL... my thoughts still apply.. I sat here for a moment and thought about it and I still think to list out a ****load of things still seems silly.... just be happy to meet someone that you can have a modicum of connection with and I think you ATL guy can get what I'm saying .. I've read a ton of your post lamenting about how you can't meet someone of quality... do you really think at your age and at the point of your of life that you can have a huge laundry list of shyt and that you are you really gonna get that????
You are probably the exact point of my reasoning..... why have a tons of things that sound somewhat fairly tail-ish....
Just meet a woman that you don't want to kick to the curb and accept that she's gonna have some bullshyt about her that you don't like.
sometimes people forget that we're not items you can always just check off on a spreadsheet....
Right???
This doesn't mean don't have standards... it just means have a clue about life and have a clue about reality...that is all
I say this from the comfort of a LTR.... I have sense and more than just common sense.....just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean I don't have a clue about how things work... LOL.....
Honestly Chow,
You know my stance on the relationship thing. I think people would be a lot better off if they just didn't worry about it, not even a little bit. Our society is so focused around coupling, from what I see, it's just making people feel bad. Yes I get you're suppose to be strong and block all that out but that's an exhausting process and can still mess up your focus on things more important.
"If you're not with someone, something is wrong with you." We all have issues, but I believe humans are constantly evolving. So I do not doubt that there are people out there who just don't date and have no interest it, and are healthy normal people. It's okay to have a goal but if it has gotten to a point where it's making you unhappy, maybe it's time to take a step back.
I backed off the whole thing entirely because it just gives me a headache trying to figure it out. I realized there are some things about me that I can't change so I adapted the mindset I have now. I don't know what's in the future and I honestly see a guy in it at all. I'm not worried though.
I never got people that have these "lists" and some of them are so damn particular that I just want to gag... LOL...
I mean, I've never approached dating with these f ing laundry lists of things that people want and apparently aren't willing to bend on and then they wonder why they are approaching late 30's and can't understand why they don't have the opposite sex beating down the door...
LOL.. sort of sad.
I get that everyone has a "list" but damn people... lighten up a bit..... for Christ sakes.....
I foresee a lot of cat food sales in the future.... part of the problem in the new millennia... too many choices and options leads to no choice and then they are here sniveling and ****ing whining about how life has been bad to them.....
The thing about asking what he/she is looking for... ( like here in the CD) How does one answer without offering up a "wish list"?
I have a list of what I would call desirable, but it's not set in stone and I am venturing to guess ( it's not happened to me yet) that often times when one meets someone who just knocks their socks off, lists mean nothing. If nobody offered up a list when asked this sort of question.... Crickets.
The bolded is exactly what I'm talking about... if you sit down and list out a tons of shyt it just sounds so... IDK...... childish... life doesn't work like that and people aren't so easily put into a box... I say this as a middle aged guy that has a clue about human nature and how things work... of course we all want the laundry list... and most people have a lot of those items that we like....just most likely not all.....
The bolded is exactly my point.... have some fun... have a connection.... just drop the f ing laundry list and try and find someone that you can have a connection with... cause folks... at the end of the day... when you've got your nose in that list... you just might miss the greatest person you could possibly meet... right in front of your face.... and she/he might not tick every box on that list.........
Just sayin....
Aside from eating at dives, the things I listed were the things I've found to be necessary for me to feel a connection with a guy, or at least a HEALTHY connection. Actually that whole second paragraph could be summed up as "moments of peaceful/happy togetherness" or something - what I provided were just examples.
I don't think having a core list of things you can't do without is complicating things. In fact, I think not having a coherent list is partly why I'm single now - I have concentrated on "connection" for much of my life rather than actually thinking about the character and values of the person as a primary factor. So I got tangled in relationships I wouldn't have entered into if I'd thought about them in a clinical and rational way.
What am I looking for? It seems like an impossible list but here goes, in order of importance:
-they want to spend time with me
-they find me attractive
-I want to spend time with them
-I find them attractive
Aside from eating at dives, the things I listed were the things I've found to be necessary for me to feel a connection with a guy, or at least a HEALTHY connection. Actually that whole second paragraph could be summed up as "moments of peaceful/happy togetherness" or something - what I provided were just examples.
I don't think having a core list of things you can't do without is complicating things. In fact, I think not having a coherent list is partly why I'm single now - I have concentrated on "connection" for much of my life rather than actually thinking about the character and values of the person as a primary factor. So I got tangled in relationships I wouldn't have entered into if I'd thought about them in a clinical and rational way.
I think we all have core things we want in a mate... my rants on the subject was that people start to get a little silly with lists and at some point it starts to get a little out of hand...
Of course we all have "core" things that are deal breakers.. I get that, I really do... one for me is no smoking....... but in general I find that when I read threads here people just drone on and on and on with requirements to the point of making themselves look a tad silly.
The thing about asking what he/she is looking for... ( like here in the CD) How does one answer without offering up a "wish list"?
I have a list of what I would call desirable, but it's not set in stone and I am venturing to guess ( it's not happened to me yet) that often times when one meets someone who just knocks their socks off, lists mean nothing. If nobody offered up a list when asked this sort of question.... Crickets.
LOL a wish list is good... I think people are misunderstanding me a bit on this thread... LOL, or I'm not explaining myself properly...
I think a "core" list is great and we all have them, I just think that some people have a list like a scroll that reads longer than Stephen King's "The Stand".......
I'd actually like to get to know a woman as a friend first--what I mean is take things a bit slowly. Not for any chivalrous reason, mind you--but for trust issues. I have no interest in dealing with 'crazy ex-boyfriend' drama or competing with the ego-boosters she's stringing along on Facebook or whatever. If I feel the need to ask to look through the phone, we don't need to be together.
A woman I can talk with like an equal, none of the game playing, none of the BS. A woman who understands that I will not kiss her parents' asses (I'm not interested in dating them). Women I've dated in the past seem to not believe that I will walk away, the bra strap does not control my actions. When this happens they are stunned, and some try HARD to get back in my good graces. Not happening--and I'd prefer a woman I wouldn't have to go through this with in the first place.
But, MAN , that game playing seems ingrained in us--both male and female.
Totally agree. I took some offense to it too, and I usually like what Chow says. Just remember, he's married. He doesn't have to live the crappy single life.
I have noticed people who take objection to "lists" (and although I numbered mine, it is due to my graphic designer habit for arranging text, not the intention to suggest "rank" or something), generally make some comment about it being kind of "cold". I get that....treating other people as commodities is a real thing nowadays and it is yucky. People bemoan difficulty in making friends, finding partners (whether for LTRs or just sex), finding work, etc, but their main frustration is how nothing available fills THEIR need.
This is grown out of individualism being presented as the most sacred right, but taken to its logical conclusion, it turns into concern for the self above all else, and at the expense of other's individuality. Other people then become commodities to self-realization.
Some time ago, I made a thread about "what do you have to offer others" for that express reason - to remove emphasis on what we get out of relationships, as if they are just another product we buy to satiate our personal desires. Of course, that could be misconstrued as seeing "what we offer" being some currency to obtain what we desire, but people can misconstrue anything if they really want to
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
I think we all have core things we want in a mate... my rants on the subject was that people start to get a little silly with lists and at some point it starts to get a little out of hand...
Of course we all have "core" things that are deal breakers.. I get that, I really do... one for me is no smoking....... but in general I find that when I read threads here people just drone on and on and on with requirements to the point of making themselves look a tad silly.
But they may not be requirements....just an ability to define what "connection" generally means for them.
Again, vaguness does not make someone more or less picky, just less articulate.
I simply like to define stuff. I am sorta brainy like that. It's almost compulsive.
When I was younger, I would accept a date with nearly any guy who asked. Not because I was desperate, but because I thought it was good to be open to different possibilities. I started to learn what qualities led to connections (of varying levels and kinds) and what did not. Not every connection is the same, but there are certain "themes" which occur across them all. So I think a wide variety of people could possess many of those basic qualities but display them quite differently, according to their unique personality, and certainly not without flaws.
As noted above, I do understand a knee-jerk reaction against what could appear to be treating other people as commodities for our own personal fulfillment.
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