Fantastic guy, but there's one problem (women, single, pregnancy, definition)
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I met a fantastic guy about two months ago, we are hitting it off really well, get along great, have fun together, work well together. Just had a 36 hour road trip with him and not one bump the entire trip (even when we got a little lost, no stress involved). He's a perfect gentleman. He likes to help people and is kind and compassionate. He is a fireman, and they do far more medical calls to homes of people who are struggling than they do fire calls. He has never said a judgmental word to me about anything he sees, which I think says a lot about his character. He will DO anything for you, but will not give you money!
I've been single for 8 years and met a lot of guys, but this is the FIRST one I've EVER met in that time that I felt had long term potential. That is saying a LOT. Because I can find a dealbreaker in a guy and lose interest pretty fast. None of his flaws to me are the slightest bit worth losing interest over. I am determined to make this work!!! I feel and think that we are a good match.
So, on our drive home last night, he raised a subject that has come up before. He is staunchly pro-life and has a firm, long-considered position about this particular issue. He says it is EXTREMELY important to him that his SO have the same point of view about this. And he is concerned that since I am pretty liberal, this will become a sticking point with us.
He is conservative about many things, but is not a racist, does not judge others, and doesn't rock the boat or get upset if there are Trump jokes flying around. He seems to be very tolerant and understands that we all have our own ideals and that makes the world go round. He does not toe the party line, nor follow Republican dogma blindly. He doesn't like to pay taxes for programs he doesn't agree with (who does?) but seems willing to admit that certain things aren't working and something does need to be done. He is his own person and acts ethically in all instances, as far, as I can tell. I can say the same things about myself re: the Democratic party. We both seem to have a good grasp on the realities of politics...that neither party can solve all the ills of the world. NONE of my other points of view on current issues have phased him, I'm not dogmatic about politics, I care about human beings first. I don't go around trying to change people's opinion to match my own. I'm an educator and librarian, so I like to know that people have all the facts, but they can make their own decisions from there.
So why is a woman's opinion on THIS particular issue SO Important to him? Can anyone help me understand? We are in our late forties so pregnancy is a thing of the past for us personally.
He expanded at length about his point of view, and I said very little. My thoughts on the subject are multilayered and deeply personal, I don't really share them with anyone. To me, this is not a black and white issue, and while I don't feel I could ever label myself Pro-Life based on anyone's definition, I am certainly sensitive to those who do. I don't think my SO needs to share my perspective, and I don't feel a need to tell him, nor do I really need to know his ideals on that issue. My opinion on the subject is not likely to color any of my daily choices. I strive to make ethical choices for myself at all times, and that is clear to people who know me.
I'm conflicted. On one hand, I would like to do everything possible to make this relationship work. Obviously I can't just lie and say "Oh, I'm pro-life also" so we can ride into the sunset.
I'm somewhat offended that there is ANYTHING that he feels he can be judge and jury about. Who is he to judge my opinion on such a layered issue when he has no idea what factors and experiences in my life have led me to develop my point of view? I don't judge his point of view, why would he need to judge mine? How is he qualified to do so? Why is he so tolerant of so many things, but gets hung up on this one thing? Why not the death penalty? Or water boarding? I'm not being asked to justify my feelings about any other thing.
He has been very clear about this. He is worried this issue will tank our relationship. I feel I am being pressured to come clean about my point of view. What I don't know is, do I tell him the breadth and depth of my feelings on the subject and let him interpret it as he will? Because it would take a long time and never come out as a clear black and white response. I just can't see this issue that way.
OR should I tell him that his insistence on this particular issue as a requirement for our relationship is offensive to me and that, to me, is the dealbraker?
I can usually walk away from relationships that I feel won't work with a bit of sadness and regret, then move on. But this one would hurt very deeply. I really have strong feelings for this guy.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 10-18-2015 at 07:11 PM..
Reason: Edited thread title for clarification.
good grief, stop with all the assigning of labeles to one another and listen to people's words.
Next time he explains his views at length speak up and ask him why he could feel that instead of choosing to remain a silent bystander.
None of us will know...we know less about this man than you and do not have the ability to directly address him to find out.
The rest of it.
You're literally asking us if you should take the stick out of your butt and share your feelings with him becuase you KNOW you do not feel the same as he does...to take the choice to address a known conflict.
It's avoidance.
you're choosing to avoid conflict.
Why does discussion on this scare you away? Do you feel like you already have your answers based on his feelings?
If it doesnt work out, it's going to end with the same results regardless of if you talk further. The only thing talk gains is BOTH of you coming away better informed.
talk to the man instead of leaving things to rot away internally.
You may not respect his view, but you can respect him as a person long enough to have him understand where things are going and why between the two of you.
Last edited by rego00123; 10-18-2015 at 04:54 PM..
Reason: Sorry. Phone hates me
If you feel strongly about him, you should NOT say his question is a dealbreaker.
It's personal to you, but it's apparently personal to him also. So it's part of who you are. He wants to know if you can respect each other while holding differing opinions.
Yes, you should talk it through. He should be smart enough to handle a thorough discussion. If not, you wont be wasting any more time.
Well, I'm not sure I could be with someone that was pro-life. So for me, he stance would probably be a deal breaker even before he made my being pro-choice a deal breaker. But that's just me. If you want to make it work - be honest with him about your feelings and see what happens.
Well, I'm not sure I could be with someone that was pro-life. So for me, he stance would probably be a deal breaker even before he made my being pro-choice a deal breaker. But that's just me. If you want to make it work - be honest with him about your feelings and see what happens.
I'll never understand this (and I'm not one to get into the pro-life/pro-choice debates), how some people can be so staunchly against those who oppose abortion. It's usually those who lean left, and tend to use modern science to argue their politics (climate change, healthcare, etc).
So, it's ok to spend billions of dollars to find microbial "life" on Mars, yet, killing a fetus with a heartbeat on Earth, is not considered "life".
I'll never understand this (and I'm not one to get into the pro-life/pro-choice debates), how some people can be so staunchly against those who oppose abortion. It's usually those who lean left, and tend to use modern science to argue their politics (climate change, healthcare, etc).
So, it's ok to spend billions of dollars to find microbial "life" on Mars, yet, killing a fetus with a heartbeat on Earth, is not considered "life".
Never understood the logic, but oh well...
If you don't want to get into the debate - why post something like this?
I need to be with someone that agrees with me on the social issues that are important to me. We all have different things that are important to this. Shared values - that's something that's important to me.
Just shut up and say nothing about abortion. Besides, how probable it is that your political stance on abortion is going to affect the day-to-day of your relationship? There are plenty of women who are for legal abortion but if they have an unwanted pregnancy, they are not going to have an abortion.
Just shut up and say nothing about abortion. Besides, how probable it is that your political stance on abortion is going to affect the day-to-day of your relationship? There are plenty of women who are for legal abortion but if they have an unwanted pregnancy, they are not going to have an abortion.
I would assume it's an issue with personal respect more than an issue of simply sharing a conflicting viewpoint.
I can't answer for the OP, but making an assumption on why this would be a deal breaker flat out for someone.
I met a fantastic guy about two months ago, we are hitting it off really well, get along great, have fun together, work well together. Just had a 36 hour road trip with him and not one bump the entire trip (even when we got a little lost, no stress involved). He's a perfect gentleman. He likes to help people and is kind and compassionate. He is a fireman, and they do far more medical calls to homes of people who are struggling than they do fire calls. He has never said a judgmental word to me about anything he sees, which I think says a lot about his character. He will DO anything for you, but will not give you money!
I've been single for 8 years and met a lot of guys, but this is the FIRST one I've EVER met in that time that I felt had long term potential. That is saying a LOT. Because I can find a dealbreaker in a guy and lose interest pretty fast. None of his flaws to me are the slightest bit worth losing interest over. I am determined to make this work!!! I feel and think that we are a good match.
So, on our drive home last night, he raised a subject that has come up before. He is staunchly pro-life and has a firm, long-considered position about this particular issue. He says it is EXTREMELY important to him that his SO have the same point of view about this. And he is concerned that since I am pretty liberal, this will become a sticking point with us.
He is conservative about many things, but is not a racist, does not judge others, and doesn't rock the boat or get upset if there are Trump jokes flying around. He seems to be very tolerant and understands that we all have our own ideals and that makes the world go round. He does not toe the party line, nor follow Republican dogma blindly. He doesn't like to pay taxes for programs he doesn't agree with (who does?) but seems willing to admit that certain things aren't working and something does need to be done. He is his own person and acts ethically in all instances, as far, as I can tell. I can say the same things about myself re: the Democratic party. We both seem to have a good grasp on the realities of politics...that neither party can solve all the ills of the world. NONE of my other points of view on current issues have phased him, I'm not dogmatic about politics, I care about human beings first. I don't go around trying to change people's opinion to match my own. I'm an educator and librarian, so I like to know that people have all the facts, but they can make their own decisions from there.
So why is a woman's opinion on THIS particular issue SO Important to him? Can anyone help me understand? We are in our late forties so pregnancy is a thing of the past for us personally.
He expanded at length about his point of view, and I said very little. My thoughts on the subject are multilayered and deeply personal, I don't really share them with anyone. To me, this is not a black and white issue, and while I don't feel I could ever label myself Pro-Life based on anyone's definition, I am certainly sensitive to those who do. I don't think my SO needs to share my perspective, and I don't feel a need to tell him, nor do I really need to know his ideals on that issue. My opinion on the subject is not likely to color any of my daily choices. I strive to make ethical choices for myself at all times, and that is clear to people who know me.
I'm conflicted. On one hand, I would like to do everything possible to make this relationship work. Obviously I can't just lie and say "Oh, I'm pro-life also" so we can ride into the sunset.
I'm somewhat offended that there is ANYTHING that he feels he can be judge and jury about. Who is he to judge my opinion on such a layered issue when he has no idea what factors and experiences in my life have led me to develop my point of view? I don't judge his point of view, why would he need to judge mine? How is he qualified to do so? Why is he so tolerant of so many things, but gets hung up on this one thing? Why not the death penalty? Or water boarding? I'm not being asked to justify my feelings about any other thing.
He has been very clear about this. He is worried this issue will tank our relationship. I feel I am being pressured to come clean about my point of view. What I don't know is, do I tell him the breadth and depth of my feelings on the subject and let him interpret it as he will? Because it would take a long time and never come out as a clear black and white response. I just can't see this issue that way.
OR should I tell him that his insistence on this particular issue as a requirement for our relationship is offensive to me and that, to me, is the dealbraker?
I can usually walk away from relationships that I feel won't work with a bit of sadness and regret, then move on. But this one would hurt very deeply. I really have strong feelings for this guy.
I think the question comes down to can you and this new great guy agree to disagree on some issues. Let's face it..no 2 people agree on everything in this world..so don't blow him off because of some specific issue or two that you don't agree with..as total agreement will never happen unless you are someone (which it doesn't appear to be fact) who only agrees 100% with the MAN regardless of what you feel... You and I know what that means..and women have evolved over the past Century..don't you think?
I read your post OP and I feel like you do about things. And I also would feel just a bit put out by his insistence on this issue. Espescially since you seem to be a fair minded, live and let live person.
I don't think you should need to compromise your own feelings. I would take the time and explain your views on the abortion issue as thoroughly and honestly as possible.
Then I would let the chips fall where they may. That, to me,is the only way to be true to yourself and him. Just tell him how you honestly feel. He will either deal with it, or he wont. Lying, or hiding your true feelings will end up biting you in the a$$.
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