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It almost sounds like what you're feeling is less heartbreak and more guilt, because you know it was your actions that ended the relationship. If you'd have been a better, more thoughtful person things could have turned out differently. That's just something you have to learn from and go forward making better choices.
I don't know if what I felt was heartbreak or something unhealthy.
When a guy I liked a lot walked out of my life I was crushed. We were never together, but it was obvious we liked each other. But due to distance and diff lifestyles, it never happened. We were friends for 3 years so when it ended, it took a lot out of me.
I was depressed and felt stupid for a while. I never told him the full extent of my feelings because I thought it was pointless and crazy. It took over 2 years to get over it and I still deal with setbacks every now and then. Probably why I don't fall for people like I used to.
I get anxious sometimes when leaving the house or going somewhere, but for the most part I have learned to cope pretty well.
We've all been there. I was dumped by my first love (together 2.5 yrs) and it crushed me completely. I learned a valuable lesson however, and then met my true soulmate and partner for life a year later.
Almost 30 years later, I see my first love on FB via mutual friends and she still looks ok but not the beauty she was when we were 20. I actually thought of sending her a friendly note to say hi and wish her a happy 50th birthday but F that and her too. I won, and you will too.
Then she wasn't 'the one' you thought she might be.
You would not have done that if she was.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JasperJade
I don't agree. Who would be the "right one" for him, then? Someone who is willing to subject herself to verbal abuse during arguments? A willing victim? She was smart to walk away from him. Staying with him would have taught him that his behavior is okay, when it's not.
No offense, OP, but you've learned a valuable lesson here: Not to be verbally abusive during an argument. If you're not an abuser, you'll learn from this and no, it won't happen again with the next woman. If you are an abuser, you're going to do it no matter who you're with, whether you think she's "the one" or not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick
What?
Totally, completely, 100% NOT what I said.
Re-read what I DID say.
Yes, I reread it. You said if she was "the one" he thought she might be, he would not have done that ("that" meaning the things he did in his OP, which were to walk away or say hurtful things during a disagreement). This implies that if she were the right person for him, he would not have walked away during an argument or said hurtful things. The other side of that is that because she's the wrong person for him, he did what he did. That takes the blame off him for his actions.
My point is that whether someone is ultimately right for you has no bearing on how you treat someone when you disagree. She could be his wife of 15 years and it still would not be right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dio9366
I wasn't a verbal abuser, all I was saying was that when we argued, it mostly because she tantrum over many small issues, and she had hard time communicate verbally with me. I tend to mode her to think like me, which failed ultimately and she left me for good, and yes, I did lost patient and argue with her or walk
away, but I never lost my temper and shout at her or abuse her. That's TWO different things, I am Not a
abusive person.
And this is exactly what abusers do: Blame their actions on someone else.
First, walking away is manipulative behavior. It's a form of the silent treatment. That's abusive.
Second, you don't have to raise your voice to verbally abuse someone.
Now you know: Don't do those things with the next person you date. Learn how to disagree without being disagreeable or nasty. Read up on conflict resolution.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas73
You said in your OP that you said hurtful things to her that you didn't mean.
Whether that makes you "abusive" or not is less of an issue IMO than you back-pedalling now and essentially saying that the arguing was mostly her fault.
Fix yourself. Why did you "go there"? (That she "pushed you into it" is not an acceptable answer here.) Saying hurtful things, even if you say you don't mean them, is, in my view, a character issue on your own part that you need to work on if you expect to have any healthy relationships in the future. I could skewer my partner 8 ways from Sunday if I wanted to. He could do the same with me. What would be the end result though? A whole crapload of resentments- and rightfully so. The cliche is that you "can't unring the bell". Once this is out there, it's out there. You've shown that you can't "fight fair", and why should your partner trust you in the future?
I know, I just realized today that I was totally in love the whole time, what a fuking joke I am.
When I accidentally saw the record of our conversation when we first chat on line messager , I realized that she and I, we have so much connections with each other, the emotion was so intense that I can't bear to read it anymore. Yes, she was THE woman that knock my socks off, and I fuked up!
OK, Young man, the good news is that you'll always remember her and you learned from it, the "next" woman that your burning for look her right in the eyes and tell her the sweetest things, tell her straight out, you don't wanna **** this up with her, just a little time to prove yourself, patience, loyalty, and honesty AND KEEPING HER HAPPY.. is what makes a relationship work. Keep the smile on her face.
Then get after that and make her proud. You sound like a stand up kid, that's good thing.
This lady made the right decision and should be glad to be away from this guy. He even admits he was a jerk and theres those who think shes not good enough or wasnt the right one. Only a sucker for punishment would be the right one for him it seems. So mr nice guy what are your plans for the future on how to have a girl friend and treat her decently? Or will you just be the guy who is always looking for a new one. Hopefully you will learn something from this. Having the last word and being a motor mouth doesnt work well for men nor women.
I don't know if what I felt was heartbreak or something unhealthy.
When a guy I liked a lot walked out of my life I was crushed. We were never together, but it was obvious we liked each other. But due to distance and diff lifestyles, it never happened. We were friends for 3 years so when it ended, it took a lot out of me.
I was depressed and felt stupid for a while. I never told him the full extent of my feelings because I thought it was pointless and crazy. It took over 2 years to get over it and I still deal with setbacks every now and then. Probably why I don't fall for people like I used to.
I get anxious sometimes when leaving the house or going somewhere, but for the most part I have learned to cope pretty well.
Oh Auraliea, I had the same situation and I'm still hurting over it too, if that makes you feel any better. Ours is disappointed hopes and that can hurt just as bad. I did tell mine my feelings and it didn't make any difference so if you're kicking yourself about that you can stop. I just ended up feeling even more foolish. I have been on many dates since I met him and no one comes even close to him.
Oh Auraliea, I had the same situation and I'm still hurting over it too, if that makes you feel any better. Ours is disappointed hopes and that can hurt just as bad. I did tell mine my feelings and it didn't make any difference so if you're kicking yourself about that you can stop. I just ended up feeling even more foolish. I have been on many dates since I met him and no one comes even close to him.
OP, I do hope you get to feeling better.
It is very nice to know I am not the only one.
The truth is, it still weighs heavy on my mind but I keep it inside as there really isn't anything I can do about it. My friends and family often wonder why I am so adamant in keeping to myself and it doesn't really help. The only real fall out from the ordeal is that I don't really get excited or hope love like I used to. I know that sounds sad sackish lol and I know you shouldn't really let someone have that much of a hold on your life but that's how I feel. Learning to cope has helped tremendously.
The truth is, it still weighs heavy on my mind but I keep it inside as there really isn't anything I can do about it. My friends and family often wonder why I am so adamant in keeping to myself and it doesn't really help. The only real fall out from the ordeal is that I don't really get excited or hope love like I used to. I know that sounds sad sackish lol and I know you shouldn't really let someone have that much of a hold on your life but that's how I feel. Learning to cope has helped tremendously.
I really hope things work out for you.
LOL, the very next day after I wrote that post I met a man who exceeded all others for a first impression and we've dated for 3 wks now and this thing shows a lot of promise. Hr also appears to be a much better match than the first one I mentioned and the chemistry is even more powerful than with the other man so don't lose hope--it may seem as if there's no one better out there--I was certainly beginning to believe that, but now I have hope and I really think this one has the potential to be "the one." I'm really not a harebrain with dating but finding someone has been very important to me and I've been very serious in my search and I pray that I never have to join OLD again lol. Too many times I've gotten into a relationship with someone but immediately began to have doubts--there was usually nothing wrong with the man but with the fact that the feelings that I was having were not progressing. This seems different and even though it's still early on, I can tell that if we keep going I will be in love--I can only pray that he will be also.
So, just hang in there and don't close yourself off--the right man could literally be around the corner or someone you're going to meet tomorrow.
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