Do people really grow up and change?

[mommabear2]

Originally Posted by orangie

I recently got back in contact with a guy I knew in college. By "knew" I mean that we hooked up off and on over about three years. We never actually went on a date or spent much time together not involving drinking. Lots of booty calls from him and as a young, naive person I almost always picked up the phone. Naive as I was, I knew it was just a casual thing and I was at a casual phase in my life, so it worked out fine.

Last time I saw him was 12 years ago and was the night I got together with a guy who I ended up dating for three years. It basically came down to "choosing" between these two guys and I felt I chose right. However, I have always remembered this guy fondly. We had a lot of fun together and it was a very intense thing that has really imprinted him in my memory.

Over the years, I've googled him now and then but never found him or made contact. Last week, I found out through one of the social networking sites I rarely visit, that he had contacted me four times in about 18 months. Believe me, I could not have been more shocked.

We have now exchanged a couple of messages through the site. All very platonic and brief about work, where we live, etc. Since we knew each other in the mid-90s, technology wasn't a part of our lives. So emailing is a new thing between us. He writes such cheerful emails! with frequent exclamation points! which surprises me.

I guess my question after all this background is...despite current evidence to the contrary, it's hard for me not to believe he is the same as he was 12 years ago in terms of non-committal casual hook up guy. He isn't married and has never been, which after age 35 I've heard is a bad sign in a guy. That he probably has no interest in getting married.

Anyone have experience with this? Could he actually be a serious grown up now?

Interesting post. I believe the core of who we are doesn't really change - if we are "good" natured then we always will be and vice versa. We become evolved as we get older (hopefully) - we make fewer irrational, uneducated, and irresponsible decisions (if we learn from our mistakes). So, it is possible and likely that this guy is not as casual as he once was. People do change their ways once they grow tired of the same results.

[tinman01]

I read somewhere that people basiclly reinvent themselves about every 7 years. Dont know how true that is. I do know that as we mature our interests will change. We normally slow down and enjoy less risky activities. I myself know that I have changed a great deal since I was 20 yrs old.
I used to skydive and Mt.Bike full contact Karate competitions etc.
Now I jog, still work out but with less intensity. That is human nature..

[Tzaphkiel]

I would say:

1. trust your gut; if you have a sense he hasn't changed, and you don't trust him, then listen to that

2. Unless someone changes themself through choosing therapy, recovery in a 12-step program, or some other program of self-improvement they most likely are the same as they were, 12 years passing in and of itself isn't going to make someone automatically more mature or into a new person

3. You can't really tell at this point, but as you spend time with him talking or writing or visiting, pay attention to what you are picking up on him.

Also, everyone I've known at some point 10 or 15 years or 20 years down the road GOES THROUGH THIS PHASE and looks up their old boyfriends/girlfriends. Sometimes it's wanting to capture their youth, sometimes its anxiety over missed opportunities, sometimes its dry spell cause they're still single, or the sudden fear of growing old and dying alone. Whatever. After this much time neither of you really know who the other has grown into. Trust your gut on what his motives are also for why he's looking you up after all this time.

I got all excited when the boyfriend from 20 years ago contacted me because in the meantime he'd made several million dollars and I was broke and single. LOL (My teenage son said, as we were reading about this guys business success, said to me, "Looks like you married the wrong guy." LOL) But he was just going through this introspective phase and growing old and getting over cancer and he wanted to hear from me "what he was like then." Then I remembered how self-absorbed he had always been and the drinking and the stalking....and I had a good laugh and felt happy to be in my own life after all.

But at least find out his story, catch up, that's great fun to hear where he's been and what he's like now. Satisfy your curiosity and it will at least put to rest those lingering "what if" and dreamy wonderings. Reality check is a great bucket of cold water in the face sometimes and a welcome one because then a person gets unstuck from the past, and is more present to live their life in the NOW.

[orangie]

Thanks for all the input. I am really trying to enjoy the conversations (now four emails back and forth). I am kind of an obsessive person in general and was even more so when I knew him (or at that age, not sure of cause and effect there). So this obsessiveness is carrying over to present. My friends surely appreciate the fact that I can obsess with strangers rather than taking up all their time.

On that note, why don't I obsess a bit more. It's weird with these emails...they are so platonic, almost to the point of being boring. Yet he has responded to every one of my messages within a day. On both our parts they're short messages related to work (we're coincidentally in the same industry) and miscellaneous about the cities in which we live. I don't feel comfortable making the first move on anything remotely flirtatious, so I brought up a couple we both know who's breaking up after dating since college. I wanted to change the subject to a little more personal level.

I guess I'm hoping he will start talking about something different if only to extend our emails. At this rate, we will run out of things to talk about pretty fast.

So, a couple of questions for you: what do you think about his quick responses and, also, we are still only emailing thru the site so what do you think about me giving him my email address?

[Tzaphkiel]

It sounds like you want to continue contact, and even step it up a notch. Go for it. Get it out of your system. Have you asked him, "I'm curious about your contacting me after x number of years. What's up?"