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Old 10-28-2015, 11:20 PM
 
14 posts, read 24,010 times
Reputation: 13

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Hello,

I just need your opinion on this. My husband (31) and I (28) have been together for four year, married for almost one. Our relationship is great and doesn't lack of anything, I'm happy and I've always trusted him... well, til a few months ago.

Six months ago, I was watching Netflix while my husband was taking a shower. As usual, he left his phone next to the bed. We always let our phones lie around everywhere, he also lets me use his phone whenever I want, same for his computer,and same for my phone and computer (and we know our passwords), maybe one of the reasons I trust him. Well, his phone blinked next to me, and without really thinking I looked at it. It was a girl's name I've never heard of, and it said 'It was really nice seeing you yesterday' and 'I hope we can repeat this some time soon'. I got suspicious, since he hadn't told me anything about meeting anyone the day before. He was at work all day as usual, got home and had dinner with me. No word of meeting some girl. Curiosity got me, and I checked his phone (yes, for the first time ever actually). There was a pretty long chat with her. I scrolled through it pretty quickly, so I guess I read most of it. It was just normal talk about stuff, but also 'weird' stuff:

- He sent her a picture of some slices of bread and wrote 'This reminded me of you'
- He sent her a picture of both of them together, sitting smiling at the lunch table next to each other (probably taken by the waiter)
- She wrote 'I wish I could live in your city, I hate mine'
- She wrote 'It was really nice seeing you yesterday' and 'I hope we can repeat this some time soon' (he didn't write anything like that)
- They talked about hobbies and taste in food, but not even once about partners or anything like that


No lovey-dovey talk (at least from his side), but still. He had talked to her almost every day for two weeks, without ever mentioning her to me. Since my husband never goes out alone and we spend most of our free time together, one thing directly came to my mind: Exactly two weeks before (when he started talking to her on WhatsApp), he went to a male friend's birthday party, we have this friend in common. I then confronted my husband. He was very calm and didn't seem to be angry for me checking his phone, but maybe he was just good at staying calm. He explained me that he met her two weeks earlier at that friend's birthday party (as expected), that our friend's friend brought her and that everyone at the party talked to her, because nobody really knew her. That she's just some friendly girl who lives in a city 6 hours from us and that she gave everyone her phone number. He said he just wanted to be nice, and that there's absolutely nothing to worry about. He apologised that he didn't tell me about meeting her the day before, explained that she was in our city for business for one day and that she asked him to meet her for an hour lunch before getting back to work. He said he didn't tell me about it because he didn't want me to think the wrong thing. If he had told me BEFORE he met her how he met her etc it would have been okay, but not like this.

After talking to him, I called our mutual friend (the birthday boy) and asked him about it. He confirmed everything my husband said- That some friend brought her to the party, that she was just very friendly and that everyone talked to her, not just my husband. Of course, he could be lying to cover up for him, but I usually trust him. He also confirmed that she lives in another city (without me telling him what I know) and that he also has her number and talked to her on WhatsApp too, and that he can show me their messages if I want too. He says I shouldn't worry, she was just nice and probably looking for new friends.



Now, six months later, I feel like I'm still not really over it. I have told my husband that I'd prefer if he doesn't talk to random women on WhatsApp (or other chats), and much less that he meets them for lunch (without telling me!). He apologised again and said it was wrong what he did and that he's not planning on staying in touch with her. Right after that, I didn't really trust him, so I checked his phone again once in a while, as well as his computer. No signs of any messaging with her or anything like that, til this day. I haven't checked his phone or computer the past two months.


I don't know, am I exaggerating? Talking to that girl almost every day for two weeks on WhatsApp (very long chats), meeting her for lunch without even mentioning her, kind of hurt my trust in him a lot. I always felt like I'm the only one for him, and I expect from him to do the same as me- I'd never text some random guy at a party that frequently, and much less would I meet him for lunch without telling me husband. FYI, I'm not saying I can tell my husband who to talk to and who not to talk to, but I think it's a different situation here. If he met that girl at the birthday party and wrote with her let's say twice in two weeks fine, but not like what he did.

It's still bothering me sometimes, after all this time. Sometimes I wonder if I can really 100% trust him, or if it's just a matter of time if he will talk to another girl again, and meet her, behind my back.


What would you do? Am I just exaggerating and try to let it go? Thanks.
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Old 10-28-2015, 11:37 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
16,961 posts, read 17,226,696 times
Reputation: 30254
He wasn't hiding his phone. He did apologized and put a stop to it. No recurring contact. I'd let this one go!
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Old 10-28-2015, 11:41 PM
 
Location: TheNorthEast
277 posts, read 269,664 times
Reputation: 295
Hmmm.. what kind of relationship do you have with your husband, from his perspective? I understand that from yours, everything is perfect and you are not lacking anything. What about him? Is he lacking anything? Attention, time, compliments, appreciation, excitement, adventure, etc?

Just throwing a thought out there. I am not saying your husband's texting is worrisome at this point, but it is always good to evaluate a relationship from the other partner's perspective; are they missing something but not telling you about it? Because to one partner things may seem perfect, while the other is too nice to be demanding, but secretly is not 100% satisfied, and then when the occasion arises, they innocently at first, start meeting that need somewhere else.

There are also the kind of people who just can't live without having attention from more than one person. I'm not saying your husband is like that, but just throwing in an idea. You know him better.

So you can casually and non-dramatically ask him, what made him want to chat with her? Hopefully you have the kind of relationship where you can ask each other this kind of questions.
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Old 10-28-2015, 11:44 PM
 
8,781 posts, read 9,400,270 times
Reputation: 9547
You havent gotten your closure on it becuase nothing was really resolved, just this event if it.
Their is still the underlying issue of why it was important enough to Pursue in the first place.

You feel like it's something that if you do not watch will happen again and again, yes?

It's understandable why it's hard to let go of. The behavior is what it is and it's not one that builds trust. It destroys it.

Last edited by rego00123; 10-28-2015 at 11:54 PM..
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Old 10-28-2015, 11:58 PM
 
23,177 posts, read 12,041,604 times
Reputation: 29347
Sounds like you're dwelling on it way too long. however, there is something odd here unless you left out some details. They texted every day for two weeks and met for lunch, you confronted him on it, and there have been no texts since. Really? None at all? He didn't text her and say he had to cut things off? Why would she have stopped texting him? She was in town for the birthday and back again two weeks later and likes your town so it sounds like gets there pretty often. She was hoping to see him again soon but apparently hasn't been back or hasn't let him know it in the last six months?
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Old 10-29-2015, 12:54 AM
 
864 posts, read 1,446,946 times
Reputation: 1142
Sounds fishy to me...I can understand your concern.
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Old 10-29-2015, 01:03 AM
 
Location: NNJ
15,023 posts, read 9,979,744 times
Reputation: 17138
Would it make it easier if your husband introduced you to her or others he decides to communicate with?

Even in an open relationship talking/chatting with others outside of the relationship is not so much the problem.. it is actually expected. The problem arises is when it occurs without involving the spouse... sneaking around behind their back. Asking him to stop communication doesn't restore that trust nor does it assure it won't happen in the future.

When you confronted him about it, you indicate that the communications bothered you and requested him to stop. Did you emphasized that the fact that it happened behind your back is what damaged your trust in him? That if he did feel compelled to have "innocent" talk with others that it would be fine to approach you about it first rather than go about it behind your back again?

I have a few women friends that I've known for a while. My wife knows and met them...

yes.. I certainly can understand your concern.
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Old 10-29-2015, 01:03 AM
 
4,541 posts, read 1,150,592 times
Reputation: 2143
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoDoubt1993 View Post
Sounds fishy to me...I can understand your concern.
I would have to agree. As a husband that is not something I would do to my wife
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Old 10-29-2015, 03:14 AM
 
2,135 posts, read 5,470,572 times
Reputation: 3146
He didn't have sex with her, there was nothing lovey dovey, and he leaves his phone right there so you can see it. Paranoid much? Are you going to follow him to work next? Go through his garbage? Get a tinfoil hat? He is fine, relax. Also chill out on going through his phone.
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Old 10-29-2015, 06:18 AM
 
12,585 posts, read 16,870,786 times
Reputation: 15254
Quote:
Originally Posted by YaFace View Post
He didn't have sex with her, there was nothing lovey dovey, and he leaves his phone right there so you can see it. Paranoid much? Are you going to follow him to work next? Go through his garbage? Get a tinfoil hat? He is fine, relax. Also chill out on going through his phone.
Right.

She keeps pushing it and he WILL cheat.

I'm sure she initiated the whole thing. Contact, lunch etc.

Mole hill to mountain in 6 seconds.
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