Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This may be unpopular but I have been where you are. I should have left and started a new life when I was 10 years in. I had young children at the time so it was easier to be distracted by my unhappiness with our marriage. My husband also REFUSED, flat out refused to go to counseling. He refused to listen to any of my unhappiness. If I brought anything up it was an attack on him and he made me pay for it by acting all offended. His paradigm in life...you love someone entirely for who you are and there is no need to grow together and become better as a team.
I felt like I held up the entire relationship. So 5 years later I met others who made me realize I was so unhappy. Now my husband listened as our marriage was now in danger. We went to marriage counseling. I learned it was over for me in the counseling.
The moral of the story....I wish I had left 10 years ago. I feel many of my years were wasted and spent unhappy.
Can you support yourself? I had to make changes so I could do that. Anyway...I disagree that things will get better. You really should evaluate your situation.
I am now finally leaving...10 years too late. (Married 21 years.)
UGH! I am so sorry you went through that. But you're the voice of experience here. Wisdom galore.
Honestly? Honestly truly? That OP's hub is refusing counseling is really all she needs to know. He doesn't care enough about the marriage to get help in fixing it. I'd be out the door. But that much is probably obvious from my other posts in this thread.
Correct. And obviously he's not "that kind of guy."
I'm not sure the husband has a full grasp of the situation.
The impression I get is neither are willing to address the issues head-on. One is pining for an impossible relationship and the other is trying to ignore it all, hoping it just all goes away.
Reminds me of sticking my toe in the water to test the temperature. It was pointless. Sooner or later I was going to have to get wet.
April, this ^^^ is bordering on pathological. You two are very far apart.
I know you are smart, and I'm starting to believe that this is insurmountable.
He's a good guy otherwise, he does have a temper and can be quite stubborn, but I'm no saint. I've obviously put him through a lot. I don't have any other choice but to stay. My kids need us together, I'm smart enough to know that two parents are better than one, and that my sexual needs do not trump my children's needs for a stable home. There is no one else I could build that home with, not now. This whole affair has made me realize I have to make due with what I have because what I want doesn't want me. I'm not going to be like my father, if I ever did leave my husband it would be before I cheated. I can't do this ever again.
The impression I get is neither are willing to address the issues head-on. One is pining for an impossible relationship and the other is trying to ignore it all, hoping it just all goes away.
Reminds me of sticking my toe in the water to test the temperature. It was pointless. Sooner or later I was going to have to get wet.
UGH! I am so sorry you went through that. But you're the voice of experience here. Wisdom galore.
Honestly? Honestly truly? That OP's hub is refusing counseling is really all she needs to know. He doesn't care enough about the marriage to get help in fixing it. I'd be out the door. But that much is probably obvious from my other posts in this thread.
Thanks. It's funny because I have an aunt who is in her late 60's. When I told my aunt I was leaving she told me she wished she had been as strong and aware of her situation when she was my age (42). Her generation stuck it out even if they were miserable.
People talk about divorce being so bad, but is it really? How about living life the way you want as it is so short. Anyway, the only thing we can change is the future. I am excited and positive of what life will bring. I am happy I have the strength to make the most of life and create opportunity for growth instead of being stuck.
He's a good guy otherwise, he does have a temper and can be quite stubborn, but I'm no saint. I've obviously put him through a lot. I don't have any other choice but to stay. My kids need us together, I'm smart enough to know that two parents are better than one, and that my sexual needs do not trump my children's needs for a stable home. There is no one else I could build that home with, not now. Thus while affair has made me realize I have to make due with what I have because what I want doesn't want me. I'm not going to be like my father, if I ever did leave my husband it would be before I cheated. I can't do this ever again.
Yeah, I can see where you would think that. You're really all over the place.
This is not about blame or who's a "good person" and who's not. This is way beyond blame now, and it's certainly not the most important aspect of this situation.
The fact that you are parents complicates the issue by making you make choices you would not usually make. But you both are very emotionally unhealthy, and that will definitely rub off on your kids whether you intend it to or not.
You need serious help, together or separate. I do hope you pursue it.
Give your husband three options
1- he can work with you to help meet your sexual needs
2- you can get these needs met outside your marriage
3- you can get divorced
I get the sense that you view yourself as a martyr. If you choose to stay and try to make things work - you need to get rid of that mentality. You are where you are because of choices that you made. It may suck but if you want to stay - you need to find a way to deal with it without seeing yourself as a martyr.
I get the sense that you view yourself as a martyr. If you choose to stay and try to make things work - you need to get rid of that mentality. You are where you are because of choices that you made. It may suck but if you want to stay - you need to find a way to deal with it without seeing yourself as a martyr.
Yep. There is an actual term for it in marriage theory- martyr- victim complex.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's funny because I have an aunt who is in her late 60's. When I told my aunt I was leaving she told me she wished she had been as strong and aware of her situation when she was my age (42). Her generation stuck it out even if they were miserable.
