I need help. I'm tired of my husband making me work! (long-term, father-in-law)

[oh-eve]

Originally Posted by elnina

Kinda sounds like... here:




First of all she doesn't work for HIM, she works for her family. They build up business. Business that support their lifestyle, and pay their bills. She is married. It's not his business, it's theirs. (except they made another arrangements)
On that early stage of new business, he probably can't afford to hire a help.

Second: she just finished HS. She didn't voiced a desire to go to college. He is not holding her from pursuing a brilliant carrier. With HS diploma, she can work for her family business, or someones else business, like McD.

Third: He seems to be an ambitious man, and surely beats those who don't work, stay at home, smoke MJ, or drink, and play games on PlayStation all day long. We read here often about those.

Next: they both have a job. Nowadays many people struggle. Or are on welfare...

We do not know if they agreed on starting the truck thing. Maybe the husband never said before that she supposed to help. You cannot start a business and then just expect your wife throwing all her plans away and spends her life cooking.


Maybe she had other plans for her life? Maybe she DID want to go to college but just didn't say that in her post?

Also, it seems like she is a foreigner. We do not know their culture.

Or maybe she is just lazy.

[oh-eve]

Originally Posted by monumentus

She has not said that. Perhaps it is true. But until she says it - you are merely making it up.



She is helping and HAS been helping. Why would you be frustrated with someone for not helping - who HAS been helping



Yes exactly my point. So from concept to actualisation - that is 4 years. And now it has been one year since actualisation to "successful". That is exactly what I said - and exactly what I was quoting and referring to.

So what is the "Un uh" meant to mean?



Which is exactly my question. How are people getting from "I barely see my friends anymore" to " a teen wanting nothing but Fun, Friends & Facebook..." or "She just wants to stay home and spend time with friends."

That is a hell of a leap right there!

I agree. This COULD be all true but we are making too many assumptions out of a few pieces of information we received.

[monumentus]

Some people are - I am doing my best not to. For example I am not the one assuming that she just wants to sit at home all day or spend all her time with her friends - she said no such thing. But I am the one assuming she sees the fact she has put her ENTIRE social life on hold as being a problem she now wants to resolve. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Quite a lot of assumptions are floating around the thread - but I have struggled (maybe once or twice failed a little but mostly successful) to ONLY make my comments based on things she has ACTUALLY said - and not run away with all these "maybes" - let alone the egregiously nonsense ones like saying she has not been helpful or supportive at all.

[Mikala43]

She hasn't been doing anything for 4 years. He was gaining experience working in the food industry.

So back to Julia's comment that perhaps the applause should be held for her participation (or lack thereof).

He has only had the truck for less than a year, so she is only complaining about something that is less than a year. Plus, it started off easier with just being an ice cream truck.

[aliwalas]

Originally Posted by monumentus

She has not said that. Perhaps it is true. But until she says it - you are merely making it up.

I actually bolded the part where she did say she try to stay home. Trying to stay home means she wants to stay home. She did not state she has other intention about her own career, or even working at home (if that's why she wants to stay home).


She did specifically say she wants to spend time with her friends, as bolded on her quote.

So no, I'm not making it up.

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by monumentus

I was not talking about their marriage I was talking about their business which has been going on LONG before they got married - 4 years from concept to implementation and then more time since that to get to successful.

That is what I am applauding. Nothing to do with them being married.

I'm not talking about their marriage either.

Originally Posted by monumentus

I certainly would not be. If I made the decision to start up my own business and my partner(s) put their entire life on hold - career AND social -

Eight months is not her "entire life." That's not even as long as a pregnancy. I wholeheartedly agree that getting up at dawn and working all day is exhausting, and I do not blame her for being tired of it. My dad has run his own business for 30 years with my mother's help. If she gave up after less than a year I think his business would have failed.

to support me full time getting it from concept stage - through start up phase - all the way to "successful" -

He's not even close to successful yet, not if he can't afford to hire help or ever take time off. Nobody starts a business from scratch and becomes successful in a few months. This takes years.

I would be the exact opposite of disappointed in them. I would be very very proud of them and highly grateful to them and for them. And I would be looking forward VERY much to the day I get to turn the tables and do it for them in return.

I agree that he should be grateful for the help she has provided so far.

[Ro2113]

Originally Posted by monumentus

She is. She put her own life on hold to help him pursue his dream - and to support him in setting up his own business. You do not get much better a partner than that. And it is unclear what else you feel is required or lacking there.

Now it is HIS turn to be a good husband - and help facilitate her in pursuing what it is she wants to do with her life.

Which seems to be staying at home, and hanging out with friends apparently.

As one poster said OP was too young to get married. Well she's a wife now, she's part of a team. She's also not in high school anymore.

[halfamazing]

Originally Posted by oh-eve

We do not know if they agreed on starting the truck thing. Maybe the husband never said before that she supposed to help. You cannot start a business and then just expect your wife throwing all her plans away and spends her life cooking.


Maybe she had other plans for her life? Maybe she DID want to go to college but just didn't say that in her post?

Also, it seems like she is a foreigner. We do not know their culture.

Or maybe she is just lazy.

We don’t' know this, we don't know that, maybe this, maybe that. We don't know any further information. So what, we just come full stop and turn back time?

Maybe while she was in high school watching her husband get his act together and preparing for THEIR future, she should have been equally preparing. Yet, she sat back and is currently available. I am sure she researched the heck out of her wedding dress. Had she gotten a job or continued on to college, she could have contributed financially which would have enabled him to pay for help now or in the future.

She is married and a big girl. She saw what was happening and had 4 years to research and anticipate. If you want to be a grown up and do grow up things, you do grown up research.

Your compassion isn't going to pay their bills or put food on their tables- nor will it change anything. It's do or die at this point for them- they have committed.

What she needs to do is go to school to learn a trade and work part time. This way she has a reason, not sit and whine that they haven't gotten time off together.

[halfamazing]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

She hasn't been doing anything for 4 years. He was gaining experience working in the food industry.

So back to Julia's comment that perhaps the applause should be held for her participation (or lack thereof).

He has only had the truck for less than a year, so she is only complaining about something that is less than a year. Plus, it started off easier with just being an ice cream truck.

Exactly- they are progressing.

[monumentus]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

She hasn't been doing anything for 4 years. He was gaining experience working in the food industry.

We do not know how or what she has done in those 4 years to support him. At all. So from that perspective you have no basis to claim she has not been doing anything for 4 years.

Further how do you get from "I graduated high school last year" to "She hasn't been doing anything for 4 years"? Clearly she was doing THAT for a start.

Originally Posted by Mikala43

So back to Julia's comment that perhaps the applause should be held for her participation

You can withold yours. I am still offering mine. According to the OP there was the 4 years of trying to get the truck AND 1 first year operating it and making it successful. And she sounds to have put her life - since exiting highschool - on full hold since then to support him and work with him on the project. Her whole life. Her social Life. Her career Life. Even her married life. To the point they are now "in the truck more than at home".

All of it on hold working for a year on this project making it a success.

And you do not want to applaud that? Fine - thats just you and who you are - but I certainly will applaud it and I hope he finds time to feel the proper pride and gratitude for having such a supportive wife - and that he gets to return the favor some day assisting her in getting established in whatever she wants to do.

Originally Posted by aliwalas

I actually bolded the part where she did say she try to stay home. Trying to stay home means she wants to stay home.

Trying on one or a few occasions to stay at home is not the same as wishing to do so as a life choice or career choice or ongoing matter. Again you are merely assuming that part. It really depends on what she is doing when she is at home - and what she is hoping to do long term. None of which is information we have.

Originally Posted by Mikala43

She did not state she has other intention about her own career, or even working at home (if that's why she wants to stay home).

EXACTLY! She also has not stated the opposite either. She has stated nothing. So unless she returns to fill us in further we can really only comment on what she HAS said - not what she has left out. Which I have tried to do in every post so far - but others have happily simply made things up to fill in the gaps.

Originally Posted by aliwalas

She did specifically say she wants to spend time with her friends, as bolded on her quote.

Yes. Most of us do. And there is nothing at all wrong with that. But a few people have made the leap from that to suggesting she wants to do nothing else. She said nothing of the sort. She merely lamented that her dedication to this project means she has hardly seen her friends _at all_ since leaving HS. That is all she has said.

So yes, you are making quite a lot up.

Originally Posted by JustJulia

I'm not talking about their marriage either.

And yet that is literally all the post I replied to mentioned

Originally Posted by JustJulia

Eight months is not her "entire life." That's not even as long as a pregnancy.

Clearly I did not mean "entire life" in that context. 8 months is clearly not someones entire life unless they are 8 months old. I clearly mean that DURING Those 8 months she has put her entire life on hold. Her social life. Her career (if any). Even her marriage itself has been put on hold for this project.

Originally Posted by JustJulia

He's not even close to successful yet, not if he can't afford to hire help or ever take time off.

We do not know what he can afford or not afford - she never said in the OP. So once again people are making stuff up on this thread that they do not know to be true. ALL we know is when she brings up the topic of hiring someone - he shuts the conversation down. Nothing in that says what he can afford or not. The OP does however clearly say the venture has been "successful".

So she said it was successful - yet you say he is not even close to successful - and she said nothing about what he can afford - yet you are telling us what he can not afford. You are commenting it seems on exactly the opposite of the things the OP has actually said

Originally Posted by JustJulia

Nobody starts a business from scratch and becomes successful in a few months. This takes years.

Nobody? Really? I would love to see you back that up some how. There have been any number of over night successes in the business world. The OP clearly claims it has been a success. How you seem to have more information on this than the OP I honestly do not know. But until you reveal your channel of information here - I am going to stick only to what the OP actually said. Not what you have invented.

Originally Posted by Ro2113

Which seems to be staying at home, and hanging out with friends apparently.

In your head maybe. Nothing the OP has said SO far indicates that is her plan or goal or agenda. Perhaps it is of course - and if she returns and tells us it is then I will happily conceed the point without any loss of face. But until she says it - you have merely made it up.

Originally Posted by Ro2113

As one poster said OP was too young to get married.

Entirely different discussion that appears to have little to do with the OP - or the advice she is now seeking.

Originally Posted by Ro2113

Well she's a wife now, she's part of a team. She's also not in high school anymore.

It is the Husband that needs to be told that - not the wife. As part of a TEAM he needs to communicate with her about the ongoing exit strategy for her - how long he needs her - in what capacity - and how best they can facilitate her move from where she is now to where she wants to be.

What people in a "TEAM" do NOT do is get angry and close discussions down when the subject is even brought up. It is he - not her - that needs the lecture on how to play in a team.

Originally Posted by oh-eve

We do not know if they agreed on starting the truck thing. Maybe the husband never said before that she supposed to help. You cannot start a business and then just expect your wife throwing all her plans away and spends her life cooking.

True. And actually there is some suggestion in the OP she might have been misled. Maybe not intentionally I hasten to add! But misled all the same. As he apparently told her the business was seasonal at the start - but when the season passed he diversified.

Now what we do not know is how much of that was done with fore warning - two way discussion - planning - intention - or anything? Did she go with it all from the start when she thought it was seasonal - and then just stoically soldiered on when she found out otherwise? If so - our compassion for her predicament can be yet heightened as that was not what she signed up for.

Too many unknowns here - I can genuinely see why people are rushing to simply make things up - even if I do not condone the practice.