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If anyone has a complaint about the content of the threads I start contributing to the "downfall" of this subforum, they don't come from a place of trolling or malice. They come from outright confusion and a desperate quest for knowledge about how to deal with the opposite sex and the idea of dating. My father isn't alive and even if he was, he'd be the last fool I'd ever ask about dealing with women since he pretty much sucked at it anyway. I don't want my friends to know about all my dating struggles so I come here because the anonymous nature here offers me a safe place to ask for others perspective.
^^ I can deal with this type of honest and humble response. Apparently, others get upset because they judge the 'quality' of someone's questions.
You don't have to ask the most thought provoking questions on here. It's not a contest. Some people may feel weird asking something in person and they come here to ask.
I dunno. it's just not all that big of a deal to me that I need to make a thread on it basically asking why the people here and their problems suck.
I don't think there are any experts here. Just people who have experience in some things, and others who don't. Those with experience try to help those who don't.
There are quite a few threads here that I read and think, "Okay, been there, done that, maybe what worked for me will work for that person." Then there are threads where I think, "Yikes, I have no CLUE how I would handle that situation, so I'm just going to read and see if someone else says something that sounds logical, reasonable, and compassionate." And then there are threads where I think, "Oh, THAT nut again. Not even going to bother."
I think part of the problem with the rise of more bitter people (a lot of men, but not just men) is the increasing normalization of OLD. A few years ago, you'd still hear people skeptical about meeting someone online, and the talk shows were putting forward, "Hey, there is this thing, it really works!" Ten years ago, you were some kind of weirdo if you did it. Your relatives would caution you that you were probably talking to a serial killer or a con artist.
Now? It's not only accepted as a thing, it's becoming the way it's done. And I'm sorry, but there is a VERY unhealthy dynamic that can go hand in hand with this. I've been watching it play out in my house since about May of this year. My ex has become "that guy." So you can use the internet to make some connections, and there is nothing really wrong with that in and of itself.
But if you are desperately lonely, sitting (alone) in your home, staring at a screen, hoping that someone...anyone...will save you from yourself, or using it like shopping for a commodity in ways that are dehumanizing to those you're looking at (whether you're a man or a woman!) That is bad. And every failure, of which there are SO many more opportunities, right down to not being replied to in your attempt to make first contact...every failure adds to the bitterness. Rejection hurts. Enough of it can destroy your self esteem. A person with no self esteem won't succeed in dating. Lather, rinse, repeat. Now granted I do seem to see more men with this problem. But I'd say that every woman who hopes she's got a good thing and gets played by a player is kind of in the same boat. But we start to learn to be a bit more careful, play things a little differently, at some point, without giving up in despair. I would not do a huge diatribe on market value and all that nonsense, but rather say that if any generalization applies, complex and subtle social interaction might be an evolved skill more in the female wheelhouse than in the males'. So men evolved to go after what they want in a goal oriented way, and women evolved all of these "live in the village" stuff. Maybe. I don't know. But bottom line is that it's hard for all of us in some way or other. And I think that for many people, OLD is more harm than good. Especially introverts that don't "people" very well to begin with. They just end up more and more isolated. Justifying it by saying, "I'm an introvert!" when humans aren't built to be perfectly happy all alone. The internet is no substitute for real human contact.
Wrote another novel. Sorry. My coffee is kicking in. Hope you all have a good day, CDR peeps!
Pretty set in my ways so I have the good sense to stay out of the singles scene. Being alone not a problem to me and therefore the drama doesnt exist for them or me.
I think part of the problem with the rise of more bitter people (a lot of men, but not just men) is the increasing normalization of OLD. A few years ago, you'd still hear people skeptical about meeting someone online, and the talk shows were putting forward, "Hey, there is this thing, it really works!" Ten years ago, you were some kind of weirdo if you did it. Your relatives would caution you that you were probably talking to a serial killer or a con artist.
Now? It's not only accepted as a thing, it's becoming the way it's done. And I'm sorry, but there is a VERY unhealthy dynamic that can go hand in hand with this. I've been watching it play out in my house since about May of this year. My ex has become "that guy." So you can use the internet to make some connections, and there is nothing really wrong with that in and of itself.
But if you are desperately lonely, sitting (alone) in your home, staring at a screen, hoping that someone...anyone...will save you from yourself, or using it like shopping for a commodity in ways that are dehumanizing to those you're looking at (whether you're a man or a woman!) That is bad. And every failure, of which there are SO many more opportunities, right down to not being replied to in your attempt to make first contact...every failure adds to the bitterness. Rejection hurts. Enough of it can destroy your self esteem. A person with no self esteem won't succeed in dating. Lather, rinse, repeat. Now granted I do seem to see more men with this problem. But I'd say that every woman who hopes she's got a good thing and gets played by a player is kind of in the same boat. But we start to learn to be a bit more careful, play things a little differently, at some point, without giving up in despair. I would not do a huge diatribe on market value and all that nonsense, but rather say that if any generalization applies, complex and subtle social interaction might be an evolved skill more in the female wheelhouse than in the males'. So men evolved to go after what they want in a goal oriented way, and women evolved all of these "live in the village" stuff. Maybe. I don't know. But bottom line is that it's hard for all of us in some way or other. And I think that for many people, OLD is more harm than good. Especially introverts that don't "people" very well to begin with. They just end up more and more isolated. Justifying it by saying, "I'm an introvert!" when humans aren't built to be perfectly happy all alone. The internet is no substitute for real human contact.
Wrote another novel. Sorry. My coffee is kicking in. Hope you all have a good day, CDR peeps!
I have to wonder if this is true too. I read an article this past Sunday about online dating and how it can negatively effect people. There was the "online shopping" and never finding someone aspect of it, but there was also a lot about the number of old and not-used, fake, and scam profiles too. It was surprising to read that there are no hard figures, but the author estimated that 90% of profiles are inactive or not real. Someone could literally spend weeks on online dating messaging people and never get a reply (because there is no one there to answer). And even if they do reach a person, they might reach a jaded one who doesn't "believe" any messages are real because of so many scammers and spammers.
There is also our more isolated culture too. Not just online dating (which can isolate us from social interaction with others) but I've watched groups of teens in my area, together, but all looking down at their phones, not interacting with each other. Many of the bitter men and women you see are young and grew up in this culture of isolation.
Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of positives to things not. Online dating "can" help you find someone (I found someone that way). But it's buyer beware and your experience may vary. Today's generation (in general) are smarter, sharper, and more driven than their peers of the past, but they do seem less social (other than social media) and more isolated which doesn't help with any human interaction, including dating. Doesn't mean they are bad at it, can't date, or anything, but it's an obstacle they face that many of us older folks didn't.
I don't agree with your assessment of introverted. Although I think a lot of people misuse the term and say introverted when, in reality, they mean socially awkward. Extroverted is basically you get your energy and relaxation hanging around other people... introverted just means you get your energy and relaxation with alone time. It doesn't mean introverts are anti-social and hate people and want to be alone, it just means they just need some time to themselves now and then. It has nothing to do with shyness or social skill issues. I think I am a good example of a social introvert. I love to visit friends and family, but at the end of the day, I need a good hour by myself and maybe a beer... and just sit and have time to me, alone (well, the dog is there).
I have to wonder if this is true too. I read an article this past Sunday about online dating and how it can negatively effect people. There was the "online shopping" and never finding someone aspect of it, but there was also a lot about the number of old and not-used, fake, and scam profiles too. It was surprising to read that there are no hard figures, but the author estimated that 90% of profiles are inactive or not real. Someone could literally spend weeks on online dating messaging people and never get a reply (because there is no one there to answer). And even if they do reach a person, they might reach a jaded one who doesn't "believe" any messages are real because of so many scammers and spammers.
There is also our more isolated culture too. Not just online dating (which can isolate us from social interaction with others) but I've watched groups of teens in my area, together, but all looking down at their phones, not interacting with each other. Many of the bitter men and women you see are young and grew up in this culture of isolation.
Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of positives to things not. Online dating "can" help you find someone (I found someone that way). But it's buyer beware and your experience may vary. Today's generation (in general) are smarter, sharper, and more driven than their peers of the past, but they do seem less social (other than social media) and more isolated which doesn't help with any human interaction, including dating. Doesn't mean they are bad at it, can't date, or anything, but it's an obstacle they face that many of us older folks didn't.
I don't agree with your assessment of introverted. Although I think a lot of people misuse the term and say introverted when, in reality, they mean socially awkward. Extroverted is basically you get your energy and relaxation hanging around other people... introverted just means you get your energy and relaxation with alone time. It doesn't mean introverts are anti-social and hate people and want to be alone, it just means they just need some time to themselves now and then. It has nothing to do with shyness or social skill issues. I think I am a good example of a social introvert. I love to visit friends and family, but at the end of the day, I need a good hour by myself and maybe a beer... and just sit and have time to me, alone (well, the dog is there).
Yeah I definitely have to clarify.....I'm not bashing on the introvert thing, because I get what it really is. I'm saying that there are people who are using the word to sort of justify and normalize such an extreme state of social isolation that is actually harmful to them. And sort of build this fortress to dwell in that they are scared to leave much. Big difference between a socially functional introvert, and someone who is wallowing in unhealthy levels of solitude and isolation and hiding behind the label like it's some kind of a shield. That whole "sour grapes" the world didn't give me what I want, so I hate people and I don't need em! attitude. Thing. Pulling people in due to loneliness, and pushing them away harshly due to antisocial behaviors. People who desperately crave connection via the internet, but can't stand to be face to face with others.
I've known some. Normal introversion...isn't that. What I'm talking about is maladaptive.
I think part of the problem with the rise of more bitter people (a lot of men, but not just men) is the increasing normalization of OLD. A few years ago, you'd still hear people skeptical about meeting someone online, and the talk shows were putting forward, "Hey, there is this thing, it really works!" Ten years ago, you were some kind of weirdo if you did it. Your relatives would caution you that you were probably talking to a serial killer or a con artist.
Now? It's not only accepted as a thing, it's becoming the way it's done. And I'm sorry, but there is a VERY unhealthy dynamic that can go hand in hand with this. I've been watching it play out in my house since about May of this year. My ex has become "that guy." So you can use the internet to make some connections, and there is nothing really wrong with that in and of itself.
But if you are desperately lonely, sitting (alone) in your home, staring at a screen, hoping that someone...anyone...will save you from yourself, or using it like shopping for a commodity in ways that are dehumanizing to those you're looking at (whether you're a man or a woman!) That is bad. And every failure, of which there are SO many more opportunities, right down to not being replied to in your attempt to make first contact...every failure adds to the bitterness. Rejection hurts. Enough of it can destroy your self esteem. A person with no self esteem won't succeed in dating. Lather, rinse, repeat. Now granted I do seem to see more men with this problem. But I'd say that every woman who hopes she's got a good thing and gets played by a player is kind of in the same boat. But we start to learn to be a bit more careful, play things a little differently, at some point, without giving up in despair. I would not do a huge diatribe on market value and all that nonsense, but rather say that if any generalization applies, complex and subtle social interaction might be an evolved skill more in the female wheelhouse than in the males'. So men evolved to go after what they want in a goal oriented way, and women evolved all of these "live in the village" stuff. Maybe. I don't know. But bottom line is that it's hard for all of us in some way or other. And I think that for many people, OLD is more harm than good. Especially introverts that don't "people" very well to begin with. They just end up more and more isolated. Justifying it by saying, "I'm an introvert!" when humans aren't built to be perfectly happy all alone. The internet is no substitute for real human contact.
Wrote another novel. Sorry. My coffee is kicking in. Hope you all have a good day, CDR peeps!
Yuuup. All very true. Those of us who were there to experience AOL 15+ years ago are well aware of the dark side! Hell, it was embarassing then and it still is.. People just seem to have no dignity when it comes to these dating sites/apps. It really is like shopping online, for a buncha sell-outs... on clearance.
Yeah I definitely have to clarify.....I'm not bashing on the introvert thing, because I get what it really is. I'm saying that there are people who are using the word to sort of justify and normalize such an extreme state of social isolation that is actually harmful to them. And sort of build this fortress to dwell in that they are scared to leave much. Big difference between a socially functional introvert, and someone who is wallowing in unhealthy levels of solitude and isolation and hiding behind the label like it's some kind of a shield. That whole "sour grapes" the world didn't give me what I want, so I hate people and I don't need em! attitude. Thing. Pulling people in due to loneliness, and pushing them away harshly due to antisocial behaviors. People who desperately crave connection via the internet, but can't stand to be face to face with others.
I've known some. Normal introversion...isn't that. What I'm talking about is maladaptive.
[quote=TMBGBlueCanary;41992708]I have to wonder if this is true too. I read an article this past Sunday about online dating and how it can negatively effect people. There was the "online shopping" and never finding someone aspect of it, but there was also a lot about the number of old and not-used, fake, and scam profiles too. It was surprising to read that there are no hard figures, but the author estimated that 90% of profiles are inactive or not real. Someone could literally spend weeks on online dating messaging people and never get a reply (because there is no one there to answer). And even if they do reach a person, they might reach a jaded one who doesn't "believe" any messages are real because of so many scammers and spammers.
Quote:
There is also our more isolated culture too. Not just online dating (which can isolate us from social interaction with others) but I've watched groups of teens in my area, together, but all looking down at their phones, not interacting with each other. Many of the bitter men and women you see are young and grew up in this culture of isolation.
With smart phones and social media becoming more mainstream, I have noticed that older adults have started to become more "focused" on their phone as well. Last weekend I had coffee with a friend at a local coffee shop. A mom, a dad, their teenage daughter came in and sat down. I don't think they said one word to each other. All of them were looking at their phones.
Quote:
Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of positives to things not. Online dating "can" help you find someone (I found someone that way). But it's buyer beware and your experience may vary. Today's generation (in general) are smarter, sharper, and more driven than their peers of the past, but they do seem less social (other than social media) and more isolated which doesn't help with any human interaction, including dating. Doesn't mean they are bad at it, can't date, or anything, but it's an obstacle they face that many of us older folks didn't.
I also found someone online too. The woman I am with, told me the first night we talked on the phone that I was first person that could talk and hold a conversation...and when we finally met face to face as well.
Ironic that social media and always being "connected" has caused people to become more isolated or not be able to communicate face to face.
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