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So I am going to write a novel here, but I promise you it's an interesting one, where I would love to get some people's views.
Love for me in 2015 has been a roller coaster. I broke up with my girlfriend at the end of 2014 and is the only women I have ever loved. Even after our break up, I would think of her every day. We had a nasty break up, and six months after it she moved home to Brazil (she is from there, and my parents are from there too, I was raised here). I was actually heartbroken to find out that one of the reasons she left was because of me, that I had broken her heart, and she went back home with her family. Since then I have apologized to her, and we have a friendly relationship now, checking in on each other maybe once ever 2-3 weeks. But her being there and me here in the US we well probably never be rekindled even though I think we both still really really love each other and want to be with each other. The reason for the break up is a long story, one for another day. I found out two weeks ago she now has a boyfriend and let's just say it was a hard pill to swallow and added to me being more heart broken.
After the break up, I went to therapy. I have fully accepted that I am bisexual (I'm 30 for those of you wondering), no one knows from my friends and family, and I mean no one, except one person which is what this story will lead to. In early 2015 I decided to explore that side of me and begin opening up to the idea. I always knew that I was bi, but I never fully accepted it. I am attracted to both sexes, obviously, but I never met a man that I wanted to date or be with. Around that time, I met this dude, who happens to be from Portugal, and is in a situation of his own. He is married and just had a baby. He's been married for 8 years. His wife knows that he is bi, but no one else from his friends and family knows. He actually told me that if he left his wife he would want to try a relationship with a guy.
When we started chatting there were instant sparks, a connection that I felt like no other. He actually felt it too. It's something we both felt deep inside of each other. He feels lonely here, because he's not a big fan of American culture, has no family here, his wife's family he doesn't connect with them or particularly like, and the live in Iowa where she is from, and he misses Portugal a lot. He has had a very hard time making friends here, and his wife is a little too dominating and controlling (which I have also told him that is half his fault for letting her be). However, he has a huge passion for Brazilian culture and people, he absolutely loves it. I know that my family (after they accept my sexuality, lol) would love him and he would fit right in. That what he is missing in regards to his own family, and the lack of family from his wife's side, what he is looking for is what my family is like. We started talking in the beginning of March, just talking, and the connection was unreal, the same I felt for my first love mentioned previously, but this time I think even more, and we both mentioned it to each other. We would chat every day, all day long, like non-stop for the first few months. It was really intense. We played around with the idea of possibly exploring something but it died quickly.
As much as I want to explore something with him I am not going to do it by wrecking his family apart, especially right when its starting. It just wouldn't be right. He also felt the same way, telling me he has a family and child that it wouldn't be right, it would be too complicated, and cause too many problems. Regardless of how he felt, I would never involve myself with someone who is married, first if someone wants to be with me, I want them to be fully committed to our relationship, and when push comes to shove his wife will come first, which makes sense. I have more self esteem than to involve myself in that. With that being said we never kissed, had sex, or did anything like that, even though we both had mentioned we wanted to, and there was one instance where it was close to happening.
So we both accepted that we should be friends. Naturally, the friendship has been great we don't talk every day like we used to (I made sure to put that distance in place), but it's rare that we go more than 48 hours without texting each other. Whenever I have something big going on he always remembers to ask me how it went and vice versa with me. We meet about once a month just for some drinks and food and it's absolutely wonderful. There was one outing where he actually met most of my friends too and he felt so comfortable with them. I have even invited him AND his wife to certain events, but they couldn't go (btw I have yet to meet her). I helped him with some stuff (that is part of my profession), and he has helped me in other ways too. While we are treating it like a friendship, the love is still there on a deeper level, I feel it, I THINK he does too. But I think we both have accepted that right now this can only be a friendship.
So I accepted that and in a way moved on. Recently I started to talking to a girl that I like, no sparks with her like I had with him and my previous ex, but I like her. But then something happened last week. He wanted to talk to me and needed some advice, because it looks like his marriage is fading fast. Since around the time he met me he has become more confident with a better self-esteem, and is starting to stand up against his controlling wife, which is now causing problems. Essentially she isn't talking to him anymore because she feels like she has lost control over him, and she doesn't want to work things out with him in therapy, like they used to when problems would arise. I see it as the beginning of the end of them, not sure if he does, but I do.
But this really scared me. After accepting that we would just be friends, this news brought out emotions where I want to be him with again like the flip of a switch. That maybe there is an opportunity now if they divorce. I asked him what he wanted and he told me he doesn't want the type of relationship he has now with his wife, but he still wants still try to be with her and he wants to try to fix it, but that things are real bad between them and he's not sure how it will go. What scared me was my behavior that I think shows how much I love this person. While this might be the perfect opportunity to come in, sabotage, and try to get my way, instead I have been helping him try to find solutions to his problems, telling him to have more patience with his wife, and explore different methods on how they can fix the relationship. Ultimately I want him to be happy, and if that is what he wants, I want to try to help him get there. It really hurts though and it's scary to be that in love. 5 years ago I would have sabotaged the hell out of the situation, lol.
I feel like a wound has now reopened and I am having a hard time with it. If he chooses his wife, I would be okay continuing as we were. If they divorce, I don't know what my next course of action would be. In the beginning when there was talk of exploring things, I definitely was the one pushing more for just being friends. I think if i would have let him he would have explored things with me, while still married. Now I fear that maybe he thinks that I only think of him as a friend. So my dilemma is if things fall apart between them should I express those feelings to him? Sometimes I even wonder if he feels the same way about me anymore? I am scared to ask because I might hear the answer I don't want. But you know the feeling of love, and you know when you can sense it in someone else. I feel things are up in the air right now though, if I can be honest.
Would love to hear some feedback from some people.
Last edited by UrbanCheetah; 11-19-2015 at 03:30 PM..
So I am going to write a novel here, but I promise you it's an interesting one, where I would love to get some people's views.
Love for me in 2015 has been a roller coaster. I broke up with my girlfriend at the end of 2014 and is the only women I have ever loved. Even after our break up, I would think of her every day. We had a nasty break up, and six months after it she moved home to Brazil (she is from there, and my parents are from there too, I was raised here). I was actually heartbroken to find out that one of the reasons she left was because of me, that I had broken her heart, and she went back home with her family. Since then I have apologized to her, and we have a friendly relationship now, checking in on each other maybe once ever 2-3 weeks. But her being there and me here in the US we well probably never be rekindled even though I think we both still really really love each other and want to be with each other. The reason for the break up is a long story, one for another day. I found out two weeks ago she now has a boyfriend and let's just say it was a hard pill to swallow and added to me being more heart broken.
After the break up, I went to therapy. I have fully accepted that I am bisexual (I'm 30 for those of you wondering), no one knows from my friends and family, and I mean no one, except one person which is what this story will lead to. In early 2015 I decided to explore that side of me and begin opening up to the idea. I always knew that I was bi, but I never fully accepted it. I am attracted to both sexes, obviously, but I never met a man that I wanted to date or be with. Around that time, I met this dude, who happens to be from Portugal, and is in a situation of his own. He is married and just had a baby. He's been married for 8 years. His wife knows that he is bi, but no one else from his friends and family knows. He actually told me that if he left his wife he would want to try a relationship with a guy.
When we started chatting there were instant sparks, a connection that I felt like no other. He actually felt it too. It's something we both felt deep inside of each other. He feels lonely here, because he's not a big fan of American culture, has no family here, his wife's family he doesn't connect with them or particularly like, and the live in Iowa where she is from, and he misses Portugal a lot. He has had a very hard time making friends here, and his wife is a little too dominating and controlling (which I have also told him that is half his fault for letting her be). However, he has a huge passion for Brazilian culture and people, he absolutely loves it. I know that my family (after they accept my sexuality, lol) would love him and he would fit right in. That what he is missing in regards to his own family, and the lack of family from his wife's side, what he is looking for is what my family is like. We started talking in the beginning of March, just talking, and the connection was unreal, the same I felt for my first love mentioned previously, but this time I think even more, and we both mentioned it to each other. We would chat every day, all day long, like non-stop for the first few months. It was really intense. We played around with the idea of possibly exploring something but it died quickly.
As much as I want to explore something with him I am not going to do it by wrecking his family apart, especially right when its starting. It just wouldn't be right. He also felt the same way, telling me he has a family and child that it wouldn't be right, it would be too complicated, and cause too many problems. Regardless of how he felt, I would never involve myself with someone who is married, first if someone wants to be with me, I want them to be fully committed to our relationship, and when push comes to shove his wife will come first, which makes sense. I have more self esteem than to involve myself in that. With that being said we never kissed, had sex, or did anything like that, even though we both had mentioned we wanted to, and there was one instance where it was close to happening.
So we both accepted that we should be friends. Naturally, the friendship has been great we don't talk every day like we used to (I made sure to put that distance in place), but it's rare that we go more than 48 hours without texting each other. Whenever I have something big going on he always remembers to ask me how it went and vice versa with me. We meet about once a month just for some drinks and food and it's absolutely wonderful. There was one outing where he actually met most of my friends too and he felt so comfortable with them. I have even invited him AND his wife to certain events, but they couldn't go (btw I have yet to meet her). I helped him with some stuff (that is part of my profession), and he has helped me in other ways too. While we are treating it like a friendship, the love is still there on a deeper level, I feel it, I THINK he does too. But I think we both have accepted that right now this can only be a friendship.
So I accepted that and in a way moved on. Recently I started to talking to a girl that I like, no sparks with her like I had with him and my previous ex, but I like her. But then something happened last week. He wanted to talk to me and needed some advice, because it looks like his marriage is fading fast. Since around the time he met me he has become more confident with a better self-esteem, and is starting to stand up against his controlling wife, which is now causing problems. Essentially she isn't talking to him anymore because she feels like she has lost control over him, and she doesn't want to work things out with him in therapy, like they used to when problems would arise. I see it as the beginning of the end of them, not sure if he does, but I do.
But this really scared me. After accepting that we would just be friends, this news brought out emotions where I want to be him with again like the flip of a switch. That maybe there is an opportunity now if they divorce. I asked him what he wanted and he told me he doesn't want the type of relationship he has now with his wife, but he still wants still try to be with her and he wants to try to fix it, but that things are real bad between them and he's not sure how it will go. What scared me was my behavior that I think shows how much I love this person. While this might be the perfect opportunity to come in, sabotage, and try to get my way, instead I have been helping him try to find solutions to his problems, telling him to have more patience with his wife, and explore different methods on how they can fix the relationship. Ultimately I want him to be happy, and if that is what he wants, I want to try to help him get there. It really hurts though and it's scary to be that in love. 5 years ago I would have sabotaged the hell out of the situation, lol.
I feel like a wound has now reopened and I am having a hard time with it. If he chooses his wife, I would be okay continuing as we were. If they divorce, I don't know what my next course of action would be. In the beginning when there was talk of exploring things, I definitely was the one pushing more for just being friends. I think if i would have let him he would have explored things with me, while still married. Now I fear that maybe he thinks that I only think of him as a friend. So my dilemma is if things fall apart between them should I express those feelings to him? Sometimes I even wonder if he feels the same way about me anymore? I am scared to ask because I might hear the answer I don't want. But you know the feeling of love, and you know when you can sense it in someone else. I feel things are up in the air right now though, if I can be honest.
This year, between the heartbreak of my first love going to Brazil, and my love for this guy, I am a little torn. I am known to be a very selfless person, emotionally intelligent and extremely self-aware. All my friends talk about what a catch I am and how lucky any girl would be to have me. My guy friends and girl friends all tell me that I am really special. Even in my family I have been told I am the favorite nephew of everyone, the favorite sibling, favorite grandchild and yes, whether you believe it or not, I have been told I am the favorite child. I normally don't say these kinds of things, I might sound conceited, but I know I am very good catch, lol. I mention it because I try to be the best person I can be. I volunteer with elderly, homeless kids and tutor immigrants to learn English every single week. I am always the first person that is called be it friends or family when they need advice or help. I have made a life of being kind and being there for others. But now I feel like I am starting to lose. I feel like the love I am seeking isn't happening and I don't know what to do.
Would love to hear some feedback from some people.
I guess you added all that in bold at the end because you believe that it makes a case that you DESERVE to be with him?
If so, be very careful. That kind of thinking can take you to painful places.
In the beginning, you said you'd never "get involved" with a married man. But you are involved, and you have been for a very long time. Just because you haven't kissed him doesn't mean you haven't been a threat to his family.
So ... feedback. In my opinion, you should not have stayed friends. This is one of those cases in which you should have taken what they call the high road and told him that your feelings for him would not allow you to be friends.
Staying in his life has put him in a difficult position. The way you have presented it here, filtered through his perspective of course, seems to make sense. He's in a foreign land with a controlling wife who doesn't REALLY understand him like you do.
But present the same situation through his wife's point of view? I'm sure the story is quite different. Their marriage may be strained, but even he has said he wants to make it work. And as a father, he should.
For his sake and ultimately for yours, you need to bow out. Completely. Tell him you have overstepped your role as a friend and cannot do it anymore.
Then stop contacting him, and go about the business of making your own life whole. Keeping part of you hidden is no way to live.
I guess you added all that in bold at the end because you believe that it makes a case that you DESERVE to be with him?
If so, be very careful. That kind of thinking can take you to painful places.
In the beginning, you said you'd never "get involved" with a married man. But you are involved, and you have been for a very long time. Just because you haven't kissed him doesn't mean you haven't been a threat to his family.
So ... feedback. In my opinion, you should not have stayed friends. This is one of those cases in which you should have taken what they call the high road and told him that your feelings for him would not allow you to be friends.
Staying in his life has put him in a difficult position. The way you have presented it here, filtered through his perspective of course, seems to make sense. He's in a foreign land with a controlling wife who doesn't REALLY understand him like you do.
But present the same situation through his wife's point of view? I'm sure the story is quite different. Their marriage may be strained, but even he has said he wants to make it work. And as a father, he should.
For his sake and ultimately for yours, you need to bow out. Completely. Tell him you have overstepped your role as a friend and cannot do it anymore.
Then stop contacting him, and go about the business of making your own life whole. Keeping part of you hidden is no way to live.
That part in bold you are right, that was poor judgement in including that, I will probably remove it as that is not the focus really. And I didn't put that there because of him, just because I am always tired of doing the "right" or "good" thing and things never materialize for me.
I think I would have a very hard time bowing out though, I don't make connections like this ever with people, even when it comes to friendships. The beginning which was like from March to May, I guess from your perspective you could say I was involved, even though we didn't do anything. Then in May is when I shut it down, and I accepted that at the most we could be is friends, and I actually had accepted that and it was working just fine up until last week. We didn't talk or say things that I wouldn't say with any of my other friends, it was strictly platonic. If him and his wife were to fix things, we would continue as such. Between May - November, I was dating around and doing my own thing, living my own life, while maintaining a very close and good relationship. I never thought of "us" anymore even though there was a love was still there. I think its possible to have the friendship, it's just with these recent events, it's stirred my emotions in a certain way and emotions that I had shut down and had in control, have opened up, although I am starting to regain control once again. I am starting to shut them down again.
With that being said, I don't even know how he feels about me anymore either. While I might sense he loves me, I could be wrong. Even through this whole ordeal with his wife our conversations have been exactly how they would be if this was any other friend approaching me with a marriage problem. I have been completely acting just as a friend and he has been reaching out to me just as a friend.
With time I get over people, and I think I was getting there with him, it's a process, but this threw a wrench at my emotions.
I think I would have a very hard time bowing out though, I don't make connections like this ever with people, even when it comes to friendships. The beginning which was like from March to May, I guess from your perspective you could say I was involved, even though we didn't do anything. Then in May is when I shut it down, and I accepted that at the most we could be is friends, and I actually had accepted that and it was working just fine up until last week. We didn't talk or say things that I wouldn't say with any of my other friends, it was strictly platonic. If him and his wife were to fix things, we would continue as such. Between May - November, I was dating around and doing my own thing, living my own life, while maintaining a very close and good relationship. I never thought of "us" anymore even though there was a love was still there. I think its possible to have the friendship, it's just with these recent events, it's stirred my emotions in a certain way and emotions that I had shut down and had in control, have opened up, although I am starting to regain control once again. I am starting to shut them down again.
If you want to heal yourself, you have to admit the truth to yourself.
While your relationship may have technically been platonic, it certainly was not innocent, as your words below indicate:
Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanCheetah
When we started chatting there were instant sparks, a connection that I felt like no other.
He actually felt it too. It's something we both felt deep inside of each other.
We started talking in the beginning of March, just talking, and the connection was unreal, the same I felt for my first love mentioned previously, but this time I think even more, and we both mentioned it to each other.
We would chat every day, all day long, like non-stop for the first few months. It was really intense.
We... never kissed, had sex, or did anything like that, even though we both had mentioned we wanted to, and there was one instance where it was close to happening.
It's rare that we go more than 48 hours without texting each other.
Whenever I have something big going on he always remembers to ask me how it went and vice versa with me.
We meet about once a month just for some drinks and food and it's absolutely wonderful.
While we are treating it like a friendship, the love is still there on a deeper level, I feel it, I THINK he does too.
What scared me was my behavior that I think shows how much I love this person.
You have had (are still having) an emotional affair with this person. SInce you both have admitted the attraction and discussed "exploring," if you stay in contact with him, you ARE sabotaging his efforts to get his marriage on the right track.
As for not being rewarded for good behavior, I'm afraid that's how life goes sometimes. Trust me, the pain of not getting what you want can actually be better than the pain that can come if you get it in a way that you shouldn't.
Doing the right thing is not always fun, but it's a sign of maturity. :/
If you want to heal yourself, you have to admit the truth to yourself.
While your relationship may have technically been platonic, it certainly was not innocent, as your words below indicate:
You have had (are still having) an emotional affair with this person. SInce you both have admitted the attraction and discussed "exploring," if you stay in contact with him, you ARE sabotaging his efforts to get his marriage on the right track.
As for not being rewarded for good behavior, I'm afraid that's how life goes sometimes. Trust me, the pain of not getting what you want can actually be better than the pain that can come if you get it in a way that you shouldn't.
Doing the right thing is not always fun, but it's a sign of maturity. :/
Those chats about "exploring" were way back in the beginning like March/April, since then it's been strictly platonic, none of that at all anymore, we haven't even discussed our sexuality since April, it's all been purely friend talk that I would have with any other friend. So you could say March- first week of May was not innocent, there was an emotional affair going on, yes I can agree to that. But from May and still going on to today there has been no talk of exploring, sexuality, our feelings for each other, or any of that stuff. And I mean NONE. Since May we have been treating it truly as a friendship and that is what our friendship has become, and still is to this day. Yeah I have dinner and drinks with him regularly, but I do so as well, with all my other friends. Tomorrow I am grabbing dinner with a buddy and breakfast with another on Saturday. Even when we meet up for dinner and drinks, I don't have the desire to want to make out or explore with him like I did in the beginning. Actually in the last dinner we met up I was so deep in accepting as a friend, I don't even saw myself attracted to him. So for the past 7 months we have had a very normal friendship, the two months prior to that it just started out a little differently and not so innocent, I agree with that. My emotions have been stirred since last week, I think that is the issue, but I am starting to regain some control of them again.
I think it's possible that we continue to be friends, as long as we accept that is all we will be. My mother was my dad's love of his life (they are divorced), he has admitted it, and now they are best friends, and it's strictly platonic even though it started out differently. My friend who is a lesbian met this girl, and they had a relationship where she helped her explore her sexuality from the get go, but the girl decided she didn't like chicks, but now they are the best of friends and purely platonic. So to me relationships are unique and can function even if the beginnings were somewhat different than most friendships start.
I guess what I was looking for more was whether if they were to separate if I should do something, or if i should continue treating our friendship as such. I appreciate the input you are giving me though. I do want to give the friendship a try, but I think you are right, if it continues like this, maybe it won't work out.
Listen, I am just peeking through. I don't want to hi-jack the thread but just saying that your post is extremely long and so I am glad that the above posters have taken the time to assist.
If you want to heal yourself, you have to admit the truth to yourself.
While your relationship may have technically been platonic, it certainly was not innocent, as your words below indicate:
You have had (are still having) an emotional affair with this person. SInce you both have admitted the attraction and discussed "exploring," if you stay in contact with him, you ARE sabotaging his efforts to get his marriage on the right track.
As for not being rewarded for good behavior, I'm afraid that's how life goes sometimes. Trust me, the pain of not getting what you want can actually be better than the pain that can come if you get it in a way that you shouldn't.
Doing the right thing is not always fun, but it's a sign of maturity. :/
Oh geez, as much as I hate to admit it after doing some research on what an emotional affair is (I never heard of it until you mentioned it) but now I see your overall point and it makes more sense. I wasn't aware I was partaking in that nor was I trying to.
Perhaps I will try cutting down communication a lot more per week, something like once a week we chat and see how that goes. Again, we have had a really good friendship since May, but based how often we talk/text (about every other day/every 48 hours) and that he tells me all about his marriage I see how it falls under being an emotional affair. Although with the chatting it's more like 2-3 times a week. I never text him on the weekends, rarely, because I am too busy doing my own thing as is he. So I would say that 2-3 times a week we text/chat. It really was not my intention and I didn't realize I had fallen into that with him. IMO I still think that a friendship could work out if we cut down the communication a little further and remain as is.
Last edited by UrbanCheetah; 11-19-2015 at 04:43 PM..
Yes, and ultimately, the reason it's an affair is that he isn't honest with his wife about it.
Now you're going to hear from someone whose perspective is not quite normal.
I'm polyamorous, and I am very happily involved with 4 other people right now. All of them know about each other. 3 of them plus me are one group relationship, including a married couple, and then the fourth is just someone I see on the side of that, but again...everyone knows about everyone, everyone is cool with everyone.
It is VERY HARD to get people who have an established monogamous life, to accept polyamoury. In some cases, it's impossible. If he were being honest with the wife, who you said knows he's bi, and told her he has needs that are not being met, then maybe it might work. That's really the only "have your cake and eat it too" possibility here, where his family remains intact, and you and he get to be a thing. I recently had a man wanting me, that I had an interest in at the time, but I knew he had a girlfriend. I asked him if she knew he might be seeking other lovers, and he sighed and said she did not. I refused to be involved with him then, and told him he needed to talk to her.
Otherwise...your love interest has to sort out whether he is willing and able to possibly sacrifice his own happiness for his child. Lots of us do it. I did it for a long time. It's a hard road.
By no means should you sabotage anything. If you selfishly contributed to the end of his marriage because you wanted him for yourself, it would cast a shadow of guilt over your relationship. If he is not willing to try and speak to the wife about opening up the marriage some, then if I were you, I would tell him, "I will always be there if you need anything, and you can call me if you need to talk. But I think it's best that we take a step back from this, much as I don't want to, if you're going to try to make your marriage work and keep your family together. It's hard to put your energy into that when you're distracted by me." And then do it. Step back.
If he can make the marriage work, fine. If he doesn't, and he calls you one day and tells you he is divorced and free, then there it is. But while it's up in the air, you need to step away and not be a factor in it. That's my advice.
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