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Odds are pretty high that your brother-in-law dislikes someone in your family enough to avoid the whole clan. Do you have any people who pick political fights, preach religion, or spew racial or homophobic epithets? Any heavy drinkers that get drunk and obnoxious? Do people ever fight? Any screaming, undisciplined children? Or does everyone sit around staring at their phones? Do people tend to break off into women-in-the-kitchen, men-watching-football wherein he has nothing in common with the men and they don't engage him? Or is he the one who gets stuck listening to tales of Aunt Motormouth's bunions and gallbladder surgery?
Really think about this, because I dealt with it with an ex-BF and stopped going. I'm a vegetarian and got pretty sick of some of the idiots in his family waving turkey legs in my face. Also got sick of hearing racial slurs, as well as sitting there bored out of my gourd while Uncle Redneck called the guys into another room and presented handmade knives to whoever turned 13 that year. There were also different factions that couldn't stand to be in the same room, and while they didn't fight, they'd whisper about each other in different parts of the house.
If you don't have any of that going on, how's the cooking? Maybe it gives him the runs. My ex-hub and I decided to start hosting our own Thanksgiving because every time we went to his grandparents' house, we'd be on the bowl for three days afterward.
It's the Holiday Season again with Thanksgiving and Christmas family get togethers only a month or so apart. Does any city data folks attend the event all by themselves because your spouse does not want to attend? (He/she just sits at home and does their own thing while you participate in Thanksgiving and Christmas events with the extended family.)
Would this be a marriage deal breaker for you? Would you be embarrassed and angry? Would you come up with excuses for your wife or husband and try to explain away why they are not there?
The reason I ask this is my sister's husband has not attended either the Thanksgiving or Christmas events for three years now. The first year she claimed he was sick. The second year she said that he was with his family. (Even though I was told my her kids that was not true.) and last year they said he was painfully shy at family events. I looked him up on Linkedin and he is a senior executive for a Fortune 500 Company- hardly the type of role where shyness would be common.)
So.. if your spouse did this for three years, would you divorce them?
I would not have married someone with wildly different views on family time than I hold. I learned in a previous relationship, prior to ever meeting my husband and getting married, that it is essential to me that I be with someone with similar views on the importance of family, family time, togetherness at holidays, and spending time with extended family.
So, I wouldn't be (and am not) in a situation where there are big discrepancies in how we choose to spend time at the holidays, and/or in how we choose to incorporate family activities, including extended family, in our lives in general.
This isn't likely a priority for a lot of people, to be on the same page in this way. That's fine. For me, it is, and I know this. Likewise, I also learned that I couldn't seriously be with somebody where I didn't care to be around his family, or with somebody who didn't care to be around mine.
I suspect that the extended families of the person whose spouse does not show up laughs about them behind their back, just like I do.
How weird, I'd never think of laughing at a person whose spouse didn't come to a party or gathering...what is there to laugh at? I'm kind of confused on that one.
In your circles, are people incapable of functioning without a spouse at one's side? Is that what makes it laughable?
Even in DH's dysfunctional family, adults are expected to be capable of attending parties, accompanied or not. Because, well, they're grownups. (shrug) Stuff happens. Sometimes someone really DOES get sick (two Christmases ago my husband was too sick with the flu to get up and watch the kids open their presents, he literally cried after that but he physically could just not stand up, I was on the edge of just driving him to the hospital). I mean are you honestly asking us to believe that NOBODY ever neglects to attend a function in your circles unless it's for some "laughable" (still a little confused about that one) situation?
It's the Holiday Season again with Thanksgiving and Christmas family get togethers only a month or so apart. Does any city data folks attend the event all by themselves because your spouse does not want to attend? (He/she just sits at home and does their own thing while you participate in Thanksgiving and Christmas events with the extended family.)
Would this be a marriage deal breaker for you? Would you be embarrassed and angry? Would you come up with excuses for your wife or husband and try to explain away why they are not there?
The reason I ask this is my sister's husband has not attended either the Thanksgiving or Christmas events for three years now. The first year she claimed he was sick. The second year she said that he was with his family. (Even though I was told my her kids that was not true.) and last year they said he was painfully shy at family events. I looked him up on Linkedin and he is a senior executive for a Fortune 500 Company- hardly the type of role where shyness would be common.)
So.. if your spouse did this for three years, would you divorce them?
I think it is the spouses obligation that they attend family events if their husband or wife wants them to. I and the rest of the extended family told my sister in no uncertain way that her husband must attend next time. She was more upset with him than our forward and aggressive demands.
Are you even kidding me?
If I were issued such an "ultimatum," the family could go stag itself and I'd stay home with the spouse, a bottle of wine and a great movie. And a lot of Christmas cookies!
WhoTF needs to spend precious holiday time/days off from work with "forward and aggressive demand(ing)" people? Hopefully your sister will grow a set, grow up and say to you calmly and firmly, "I am an adult and make my own decisions. This year, my decision, based on your behavior, is to stay home with DH. Next year, you are free to invite us in an adult way to the gathering, or not. Either would be your prerogative, and so will either my or DH's decision to attend or not attend."
I'll be pulling for your sister that she can climb her way out of this dysfunction to do that. By the way, happy holidays.
Your opinion of this is very obvious but the more important question is... how does your sister feel? Is she bothered by it? After all, it's her husband that isn't attending, not yours. Or do you have the hots for her husband and want to eyeball him at family events but can't because he's not there, so you have to lurk on his LinkedIn page?
Or is this whole scenario fabricated and hypothetical?
I think it is the spouses obligation that they attend family events if their husband or wife wants them to.
I and the rest of the extended family told my sister in no uncertain way that her husband must attend next time. She was more upset with him than our forward and aggressive demands.
Why on earth do you presume to make "forward and aggressive" demands of another adult who is not bound to perform for you under any law?
I think it is the spouses obligation that they attend family events if their husband or wife wants them to.
I and the rest of the extended family told my sister in no uncertain way that her husband must attend next time. She was more upset with him than our forward and aggressive demands.
Poetic justice is that he shows up and craps in your mother's prize antique vase or something.
With the arrogance in your family, I can't blame him for staying away.
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And a lot of Christmas cookies!
