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It's hard not to get invested when the guy says all the right things. .
Anyone who gets immediately invested just because of some chemistry and the right words when they barely know the other person could probably use a bit of therapy.
An advantage of therapy is that it helps a person get his or her issues in order. After this, it is much more likely that he or she will take the time that it takes to develop the intimacy required for real investment.
Give the guy a break. No texts with pointed questions. No texts, period. Maybe he needs some downtime, unscheduled time, no girlfriend time. You live two hours apart and have both virtually sucked all of the air out of the relationship with the intensity of it all.
It's not your fault -- just half.
BTW, it's never too early to have sex if you're 56 and 62. Maybe it's too late for some.
I don't know your history, but if you have a past that includes guys who are hot-and-cold, or come on fast and then fade out, or just don't treat you very well, you should beware of chemistry. If this is the case, the more chemistry you feel, the more likely the guy will be someone who is not good for you.
Food for thought here and you could be right. Problem is that chemistry is majorly elusive for me, whether there's a lot or a little and it makes it hard for me to get into a relationship and fall in love. I started out with very minor chemistry with my ex-husband and something was always missing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy
Anyone who gets immediately invested just because of some chemistry and the right words when they barely know the other person could probably use a bit of therapy.
An advantage of therapy is that it helps a person get his or her issues in order. After this, it is much more likely that he or she will take the time that it takes to develop the intimacy required for real investment.
This one is harsh. I know of plenty of long term couples who did get invested this quickly so maybe everyone is different. Ya think?
This one is harsh. I know of plenty of long term couples who did get invested this quickly so maybe everyone is different. Ya think?
Seems kind of ironic that you think early sex can mess up a relationship, but you don't seem to believe that early emotional investment can. I would argue that they both are not advisable for pretty much the same reasons.
Anyone who gets immediately invested just because of some chemistry and the right words when they barely know the other person could probably use a bit of therapy.
An advantage of therapy is that it helps a person get his or her issues in order. After this, it is much more likely that he or she will take the time that it takes to develop the intimacy required for real investment.
I'd also counter that people who have a habit of saying "the right words" and then pulling back when those words work their magic could also use a good dose of therapy. I'll never understand the mentality behind that.
I think you're right on both counts but how does one not get invested too fast? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I would have been upset if I hadn't heard back from him after the first date--that's how powerful the chemistry was. It's true that I'm a fairly emotionally needy person due to circumstances in my life but he seemed to be kind of too and he's from a rock solid family.
I'm around your age, and have been where you are at night now, and it is a very confusing place to be, especially at that mature age, where one hopes to find a little more courage, courtesy, tact, and maturity.
To answer the bolded question: for me, it took actually having that particular experience in order to remain guarded the next time. In other words, lesson learned.
Also, try not to beat yourself up over having ruined a potentially good thing with him. A good guy would not leave you hanging like he does, but would have said his piece, whatever it may be.
I'm still not clear on what you think holding out longer before having sex would accomplish. Do you think having sex relatively quickly ruins a potential relationship? If so, what makes you think that? What is going to happen that will ruin things?
"Having sex early (defined in this study as within a month of dating) has been related to poorer relationship outcomes for men and women."
Just a Guy, I get that. I really do. But how does one avoid getting emotionally invested quickly when everything seems to be right? We not only had a lot of chemistry but a lot in common as well--similar values and life goals and even the weird stuff like we'd read a lot of the same books and both us want to live on a homestead farm in retirement. And honestly, how does one train oneself not to feel? Or to hold back? That's the question I'm on here to ask but you just keep saying don't do it. How do I not do it? Do you know something I don't know? Spill please.
Also, I'm not going to go so far as to say that I was in love--but this is a huge disappointment b/c I thought maybe I'd finally might have found "the one" and I was so hoping that's what this would turn out to be. Ugh, this feels awful, but I guess I'm glad I found out so quickly that he's a jerk. Now it feels like I just woke up from the loveliest dream and i'm back to reality.
Yes I'm pretty peeved about how he handled this. When I texted him yesterday and asked if he broke up with me he said he'd get back to me but he hasn't. I don't know for sure though b/c I left my phone at home--didn't want to be checking it all day and didn't want to be tempted to text him.
I'm sorry to hear this. I'm bothered by the bolded too. I would hope that once people reach a certain age/maturity level that communication about stuff like this would be much better, but it sounds like he's just as bad as men half his age.
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