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I think you're right on both counts but how does one not get invested too fast? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I would have been upset if I hadn't heard back from him after the first date--that's how powerful the chemistry was. It's true that I'm a fairly emotionally needy person due to circumstances in my life but he seemed to be kind of too and he's from a rock solid family.
We've all been there. It's the euphoria feeling you get when you're hitting all those relationship steps, but it rapid motion. For instance, if you normally date a person, you may hit those pivotal moments of a relationship over the course of 3 months. When you're moving at a faster pace, you can experience those same pivotal moments over a course of a month. When you move that fast in a relationship, with someone who's spent quite a bit of time single, it generally is too fast for them. So, they get spooked, and try to back up the relationship and recommend to slow down. The problem is you can't slow down, because you can't stop while you're hovering over a hurdle. You just go over the hurdle and keep on going.
Relationships tend to have a flow to them. It takes all kinds. I've moved a little fast in the past, but now I'm moving ultra slow with a woman I'm dating now and we've been together for a little over 3 months. This is by far the slowest relationship I've ever had, but it's what I needed to end the streak of constantly getting dumped. Only you can control your life and decisions and you have to decide what you want to alter the plan of your life.
I'd say this guy, as sweet as he is, it's going to be really hard to slow things down and change course. You already have an expectation of who he is and he has an expectation of who you are. Changing that is going to be hard, since who you both encountered would ultimately be a façade.
Better to end things as they are, if he's unwilling to try and meet you half way. His course of action isn't going to work when you two have already crossed some pivotal hurdles of relationship flow. You just can't unring a bell.
If you do end things, look into altering your dating approach a little the next time around. Sure, you can't always prepare for curveballs hurled in your direction, but you can become better prepared to catch them. What I've heard from women over the years is that any guy that wants to move faster than they want to, usually has something hiding underneath the surface. It seems you have discovered that with this guy. He has problems with committing, yet he goes light speed in every new relationship to only get cold feet and back out. Jekyll and Hyde personality.
Aww Timber, I love you for this. It makes me feel less crazy, esp with all the rational answers I've had on here, which have been valuable but it's not the way I operate. I've had my heart locked away for a long time now too and it feels kind of awful and I'm too isolated because of it. I know I've made too much of this and knew it all along but hoping that a new relationship will be "the one" is not the same as actually falling in love at first sight--it takes me much longer than that. Hoping that he'll be the one that I want to marry is not the same as wanting to marry him now--I would def take the time to get to know him better before I said that. My feelings now are def strong disappointment and wondering if it's ever going to happen for me, but some of it is real feelings too and I was totally open to receiving him into my heart from the beginning. No, I guess I hope I won't lose that either. But ouch. He did finally text me tonight but it wasn't much--enough to make me think it's not over yet though.
Why don't you CALL him and talk?? This uncertainty would drive me insane if I were in your situation
It is driving me insane but I don't think it would be right to push him right now. My friend also suggested that I leave him alone for now so I'm moving on with my life and I'm going out with a male friend (platonic) next week so that I can make that happen. After all, he told me that I can date others though he would want to know if I was going to sleep with them, which means maybe he wasn't breaking up. Oh I can't tell, but I'm giving him space rather than imposing my own agenda. If I don't hear from him again I'll assume he dumped me. Ouch.
It is driving me insane but I don't think it would be right to push him right now. My friend also suggested that I leave him alone for now so I'm moving on with my life and I'm going out with a male friend (platonic) next week so that I can make that happen. After all, he told me that I can date others though he would want to know if I was going to sleep with them, which means maybe he wasn't breaking up. Oh I can't tell, but I'm giving him space rather than imposing my own agenda. If I don't hear from him again I'll assume he dumped me. Ouch.
This line is all you need to know if you feel your situation is or is not going anywhere. Any guy that's okay with someone he's seeing dating someone else, isn't scared of losing her. I don't think he values you as much as you value him. Did you ever elaborate that you had trouble with dating or that he was the best man you've dated in a number of years? If so, he likely summed you up as not finding anything much better, so he can always be in control of your relationship. When someone is not afraid of losing you, they'll do little to keep you.
Sure the sun will still rise tomorrow, but you get the idea.
You had talked about it before, though, correct? The "last relationship of your lives" part?
Only in the abstract, like on the first date when we said what we were looking for, which for both of us meant a serious relationship. We both expressed hope that maybe this might be it, but we didn't say it is, just that we were hoping it might shape into that.
I really thought we were both on the same page and he was the one pushing things along--he made 80-90% of the phone calls and he set up the dates. He was the one who was asking me what I plan to do in the future and what kind of living situation I hope to find myself in and whether I would be happy living on a homestead, which I know is a fantasy that he has and hopes to do in his retirement, which is coming up soon. All of this up until Saturday eve when things went south and that makes me think it's the sex issue.
So maybe my question is how to slow a man down when you seem to want what he wants and you don't want him to feel rejected because you really want to date him.
This line is all you need to know if you feel your situation is or is not going anywhere. Any guy that's okay with someone he's seeing dating someone else, isn't scared of losing her. I don't think he values you as much as you value him. Did you ever elaborate that you had trouble with dating or that he was the best man you've dated in a number of years? If so, he likely summed you up as not finding anything much better, so he can always be in control of your relationship. When someone is not afraid of losing you, they'll do little to keep you.
Sure the sun will still rise tomorrow, but you get the idea.
Ouch, good point. I did say he was the best thing to come along in years and he said the same to me but I've been on quite a few dates. The real problem is that he's much better looking than I am so he can date women of almost any age and I can't, so yeah, he's not worried.
Only in the abstract, like on the first date when we said what we were looking for, which for both of us meant a serious relationship. We both expressed hope that maybe this might be it, but we didn't say it is, just that we were hoping it might shape into that.
I really thought we were both on the same page and he was the one pushing things along--he made 80-90% of the phone calls and he set up the dates. He was the one who was asking me what I plan to do in the future and what kind of living situation I hope to find myself in and whether I would be happy living on a homestead, which I know is a fantasy that he has and hopes to do in his retirement, which is coming up soon. All of this up until Saturday eve when things went south and that makes me think it's the sex issue.
So maybe my question is how to slow a man down when you seem to want what he wants and you don't want him to feel rejected because you really want to date him.
Honestly, you can't really do anything, because you don't know enough about him. This isn't a marriage, where you've been married a year, but together for five. This is someone you've known just a matter of weeks. Only he knows what he needs to do in order to keep you in his life. To him, you're essentially a stranger that he happened to sleep with. I don't mean that to be taken in any way as mean, but it's very hard to convince someone to do something you hardly know, when it involves emotions. That's something I've been told in the past too. I'd want to lend a hand, but in the end, I hardly knew them. The only way I could help was to back away and hope they came back. Some did and some didn't.
It is driving me insane but I don't think it would be right to push him right now. My friend also suggested that I leave him alone for now so I'm moving on with my life and I'm going out with a male friend (platonic) next week so that I can make that happen. After all, he told me that I can date others though he would want to know if I was going to sleep with them, which means maybe he wasn't breaking up. Oh I can't tell, but I'm giving him space rather than imposing my own agenda. If I don't hear from him again I'll assume he dumped me. Ouch.
It sounds like you would continue things with him if he finally gets back to you and says he still wants to be with you. If this is the case, why would you want to be with a guy who is not a very good communicator? Seems like a set-up for a confusing and disappointing relationship.
It sounds like you would continue things with him if he finally gets back to you and says he still wants to be with you. If this is the case, why would you want to be with a guy who is not a very good communicator? Seems like a set-up for a confusing and disappointing relationship.
You got it. Why be in a relationship where you feel you could be broken up with at any moment? I don't want to date as if I'm in a war zone.
Ouch, good point. I did say he was the best thing to come along in years and he said the same to me but I've been on quite a few dates. The real problem is that he's much better looking than I am so he can date women of almost any age and I can't, so yeah, he's not worried.
WTF?? Scratch that from your mind. I looked at your pictures, you are beautiful. Don't make him feel like he could do better!!
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