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Old 12-09-2015, 07:35 PM
 
Location: New Yawk
9,196 posts, read 7,208,181 times
Reputation: 15314

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Quote:
Originally Posted by pittsflyer View Post
No it may not but then you will know. I am also a gambling wisher, I am excited for the economy to tank and interest rates to sky rocket, IF I can keep my job through it houses, goods and other services will be dirt cheap. As it is now even though I make good money the market is so artificially inflated I don't have much buying power anyways.
You and me both. Been waiting it out for a loooong time.
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Old 12-09-2015, 07:45 PM
 
930 posts, read 698,703 times
Reputation: 1040
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
Face it - you're incompatible - she likes to socialize more and that frequently involves money you don't want to spend. You also sound a bit jealous in that you can't figure out how she's funding all this "fun". This is good stuff to figure out now - just don't fall into the trap of thinking one of you is better than the other because of your respective choices.
Why would I be jealous of someone who makes $20k less than me?

I'm simply concerned because her lifestyle is a costly one, and costing me quite a bit of money as I try to keep up with her. I've been dating her for a year. We're getting fairly serious. So I'm also a bit concerned with her spending habits as someone who's in a notoriously low paying field. I think it's something to be concerned over if you're at all considering a long term commitment. Donchya think?

But maybe you're on to something. I'm jealous of my GF since she makes less than me.
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Old 12-09-2015, 07:48 PM
 
930 posts, read 698,703 times
Reputation: 1040
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
The money can't add up, we don't know anything about her or her finances.

She may have a smaller mortgage, her car may be paid off....... she may freelance on the side. It doesn't even matter, she is certainly entitled to spend money how she wants, as is the OP.
I've been with her for a year. I'm well aware of what her finances are.
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Old 12-09-2015, 11:08 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,412,743 times
Reputation: 53067
Are you?

You've so far discussed not knowing how she manages to set aside an alleged $600 for savings monthly after her apparently large amount of discretionary spending. You've alluded to not knowing how much she makes, you've stated that you don't know if she has a trust fund or other additional source of income, that her parents pay at least one of her bills, maybe more, and you aren't really sure if she's vacationed outside of the country more than once in the past year.
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Old 12-10-2015, 12:04 AM
 
1,838 posts, read 2,967,481 times
Reputation: 1562
I agree with it not sounding like you guys are compatible. Finances/money plays a significant role in relationships/marriages and if you're not seeing eye to eye on spending habits a year into the relationship, it's time to end it unfortunately. She has adapted her spending habits and they're not going to change for you and you're starting to resent that you're changing your spending habits to try to adapt and keep up with her.


As you've realized you can't keep up with the charade and your true self will have to emerge and once she realizes you're really not into the things she is, it's going to be a wrap. You need to realize you're with the wrong person and seek someone who is more in line with your way of thinking and doing things.


The time is clicking down on this relationship.
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Old 12-10-2015, 08:29 AM
 
888 posts, read 553,643 times
Reputation: 1984
I will just say this. If she wants to go out all the time with friends, that doesn't mean you need to go too, space can be healthy and good in a relationship. Same with all the other things, like Yoga, is there any particular reason she can't just go to Yoga on her own at that place if that is what she really wants.


I am married, and my husbands makes a ton more than me . We also have very different spending habits. We have a deal, we have agreed what he pays, what I pay (house expenses, child expenses etc), and then we have our own accounts, we don't have a joint account at all. This way, neither can be upset about what the other wants to do since we both work and that is our own spending money. If he can afford to buy a huge TV for his man cave, that is his choice, I don't bug him about it. On the other hand, I like to travel and know how to do it quite frugally, so I go away with friends quite often. I guess the difference is, I have no expectation he come with me to do things he doesn't want to spend money on, and vice versa. We have a date night every 2 weeks where one of us picks the activity and treats the other. But we are both still individuals and trying to change someone never works, so either you accept them of you don't.


It sounds though like this really bugs you, and you feel ( or have pressure from her), and you need to go out when she goes out and do what she wants all the time to make her happy. That doesn't sound healthy. She should want you to be happy too. I think you need to be super honest with her and just say you aren't into going out as much as she does, but if she wants to go you have no problem with that. She is an adult and hopefully is being responsible about her money and not going into a massive amount of debt, but again, she is an adult. But so are you, and need to speak up for yourself.
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Old 12-10-2015, 08:46 AM
 
930 posts, read 698,703 times
Reputation: 1040
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
Are you?

You've so far discussed not knowing how she manages to set aside an alleged $600 for savings monthly after her apparently large amount of discretionary spending. You've alluded to not knowing how much she makes, you've stated that you don't know if she has a trust fund or other additional source of income, that her parents pay at least one of her bills, maybe more, and you aren't really sure if she's vacationed outside of the country more than once in the past year.
I appreciated your responses up until this one. This is just full of misinformation. So let me restate the facts:

* I clearly stated in this thread that she makes $46k/yr as a high school teacher. I know that for a fact.

* She has never indicated that she has a trust fund. That I do no know, as I've already stated in this thread.

* Her parents pay her cell phone. I know that, so how this indicates to you a lack of knowledge on my part is beyond me. That's the only bill her parents pay for her according to her. So unless she's lying to me...

* I clearly stated that she took one trip abroad in the past year to Central America.

At any rate, what does any of this matter to you? The only question I asked any of you to respond to is if frugality and relationships can co-exist and what are some ideas for that. But, as per usual, this discussion has devolved into nitpicking issues and the general consensus is that the relationship I have with my GF, the only woman I have loved in this way, and my best friend, is not going to work out. None of you have a clue about the broader aspects of my relationship, but the automatic conclusion that is always reached on this forum is that "you should break up".

I'm just here trying to work this out, because I care about her. Last night, I went home feeling lost, hopeless, and generally like crap because of this thread; like I just lost my best friend. Sometimes, I wonder if all of you are as dismissive with your own significant others as you are with the vulnerable people on this forum. Perhaps so with all the singles and divorcees running around here.

As far as I'm concerned, this discussion is over. You people can go try to destroy somebody else's relationship now.
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Old 12-10-2015, 09:23 AM
 
1,881 posts, read 1,479,026 times
Reputation: 4533
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Analyst View Post
I appreciated your responses up until this one. This is just full of misinformation. So let me restate the facts:

* I clearly stated in this thread that she makes $46k/yr as a high school teacher. I know that for a fact.

* She has never indicated that she has a trust fund. That I do no know, as I've already stated in this thread.

* Her parents pay her cell phone. I know that, so how this indicates to you a lack of knowledge on my part is beyond me. That's the only bill her parents pay for her according to her. So unless she's lying to me...

* I clearly stated that she took one trip abroad in the past year to Central America.

At any rate, what does any of this matter to you? The only question I asked any of you to respond to is if frugality and relationships can co-exist and what are some ideas for that. But, as per usual, this discussion has devolved into nitpicking issues and the general consensus is that the relationship I have with my GF, the only woman I have loved in this way, and my best friend, is not going to work out. None of you have a clue about the broader aspects of my relationship, but the automatic conclusion that is always reached on this forum is that "you should break up".

I'm just here trying to work this out, because I care about her. Last night, I went home feeling lost, hopeless, and generally like crap because of this thread; like I just lost my best friend. Sometimes, I wonder if all of you are as dismissive with your own significant others as you are with the vulnerable people on this forum. Perhaps so with all the singles and divorcees running around here.

As far as I'm concerned, this discussion is over. You people can go try to destroy somebody else's relationship now.
WHOA! Take a step back for a second, if you would. No one is trying to destroy your relationship. TBH, you weren't all that clear in a number of places in this thread. Just one example, for the sake of time and space:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Analyst View Post
Yep. We have discussed finances, BostonMike7.

Ironically enough, she's a teacher who's always complaining about how little teachers make. I think she grosses about $46k/yr. But her spending habits would indicate otherwise. I make about $20k/year more and I feel like I can't keep up with her at times.

She's always wanting me to pick up expensive habits like skiing and yoga, and I'm scratching my head thinking how it's possible for her to afford all these activities and still maintain a relatively normal social life as a 20-something.
You "think" she grosses $46K a year. You're "scratching your head" trying to figure out how she does what she does on the salary you "think" she has. Surely you can see how this sounds like you're murky on the details?

Then you say:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Analyst View Post
The only thing she's told me that her parents pay for is her cell phone bill.
So you really don't know whether her parents pay for other things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Analyst View Post
I'd say that we probably have very similar personality types. She may be a little more extroverted, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm less into trying new things. I'm down to try new things, but I don't like when they cost a lot of money.

I've suggested Youtube for yoga, but she insists that the instructor adds a different element to the experience because they can show you proper form. So now we just don't talk about it, because it's sort of a hot button issue at this point.

She does love Netflix, which is nice. We have spent weekends binge watching shows.

As for skiing, I personally have zero interest in it. I've lived her in Colorado for nearly eight years and couldn't care less about skiing. I didn't move here to ski though. I moved here to do more cycling, and so my money is invested more with that.

We do enjoy camping. I just bought my first batch of camping gear this year, which wasn't too bad. But that's also a relatively cheap activity we can do pretty easily together.
So it's okay for you to spend money on camping gear but you question her willingness to pay $80 a month for yoga?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Analyst View Post
A) I didn't say I couldn't afford it. However, I'd like to allocate those funds into savings/retirement instead.
B) I don't go to the movies regularly, that's your assumption. But this weekend, it's the movies. Next weekend, it's an outing with friends, the weekend after it's an expensive trip. It just adds up.
C) Eating out is a regular thing for most people my age. Welcome to modernity. I still prepare most of my meals.

I agree. But you need to tell that to her. She insists that the $80/mo is an experience like nothing else she gets. How it makes her body look and feel, the instruction she gets from her instructor...these things demand the premium price, according to her. I've suggested more than once that we look into a cheaper option, but she gets mad at me and the discussion falls flat.

Having never skied a day in my life, I'm not aware of the details. But apparently, a few outings at the ski resorts she goes to (Vail, Breck, Beaver Creek, Copper) can cost as much as a ski pass.

Yes. But it's not me you need to convince. Tell that to my GF.
Why does your GF need convincing? It's her money. She can do what she wants with it. It sounds like you want to rein in her spending. That's not really your place. If you want to put your money into savings and retirement, good on ya, but it's actually a bit nervy of you to suggest that she use YouTube for her yoga. You've only been together a year. In all honesty, I'd be annoyed if a BF suggested that I change my spending habits with my money that I earn. That would only be a husband's prerogative if we were the kind of couple who pooled our money and we were struggling financially and looking for ways to tighten our collective belt.

Based on what you've said, it sounds like the two of you are more different in ways that matter to you than you would like to admit. That others are saying things that shine light on those differences is no reason to snap at them. If you weren't prepared to hear responses you might not like, then maybe you shouldn't have involved the internet in your relationship.
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Old 12-10-2015, 09:23 AM
 
347 posts, read 425,134 times
Reputation: 733
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Analyst View Post
I appreciated your responses up until this one. This is just full of misinformation. So let me restate the facts:

* I clearly stated in this thread that she makes $46k/yr as a high school teacher. I know that for a fact.

* She has never indicated that she has a trust fund. That I do no know, as I've already stated in this thread.

* Her parents pay her cell phone. I know that, so how this indicates to you a lack of knowledge on my part is beyond me. That's the only bill her parents pay for her according to her. So unless she's lying to me...

* I clearly stated that she took one trip abroad in the past year to Central America.

At any rate, what does any of this matter to you? The only question I asked any of you to respond to is if frugality and relationships can co-exist and what are some ideas for that. But, as per usual, this discussion has devolved into nitpicking issues and the general consensus is that the relationship I have with my GF, the only woman I have loved in this way, and my best friend, is not going to work out. None of you have a clue about the broader aspects of my relationship, but the automatic conclusion that is always reached on this forum is that "you should break up".

I'm just here trying to work this out, because I care about her. Last night, I went home feeling lost, hopeless, and generally like crap because of this thread; like I just lost my best friend. Sometimes, I wonder if all of you are as dismissive with your own significant others as you are with the vulnerable people on this forum. Perhaps so with all the singles and divorcees running around here.

As far as I'm concerned, this discussion is over. You people can go try to destroy somebody else's relationship now.
I think it can work with some compromise. However, if she doesn't have student loans, doesn't have a car payment, and has very low housing costs (cheap apartment or roommate) she could have no problems affording her lifestyle. If she puts $600 into her 401K she's probably bringing home $2500 a month (or around that) if she's making 46K a year. That leaves plenty of room for fun, especially if her parents are paying her cell phone bill, and she's not saving much money outside of her 401K.

She doesn't have kids and while Denver is MCOL area, it's not like she's living in some place like San Francisco on 46K.

Personally, I think the relationship could work fine. I think that you may need to sit down and talk (as you get more serious) about your combined financial goals. Most people have to compromise to some degree. And if saving money is important to you, then I would tell her that it is. Don't allow her to live under the assumption that you feel the same way about money that she does. It doesn't mean that the relationship needs to end, but she needs to understand that your financial priorities differ, and she needs to know that long-term she will need to compromise on some things (as will you).

How long have you been dating? If it's just been a few months, then I think a lot of this will shake itself out. If it's been longer then I think the conversation is pretty important.
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Old 12-10-2015, 09:32 AM
 
1,881 posts, read 1,479,026 times
Reputation: 4533
BTW, if it seems like the default answer on this forum is to break up, consider that by the time people come to the internet for advice, the relationship already has major problems they can't sort out with their partners and more often than not is already too far gone. It's like most of the people who ask for help here just want some kind of third-party validation that they're right about something, or they want someone to blow sunshine up their butts because they're in denial about the true odds of their relationship succeeding.

Which gives us another common theme here: The person who asks for insight and advice and then proceeds to tell everyone who tries to help how wrong they are. If you already have all the answers, why bother asking the questions?
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