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Old 12-20-2015, 12:55 PM
 
12 posts, read 7,634 times
Reputation: 20

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Hey everyone and thanks for casting an eye over an episode of JonShepherd Drama Town! I'm gonna try keep this as short as possible with as much juice too. Basically I'll ramble on for a bit so you are close to the same page as me and then all I'm really looking for is your opinion whether I'm being childish, jealous and/or insecure, or is it normal for me to feel this way. Thanks in advance internet!

I've been dating my partner for just about a year now, She has a child to another man. I was aware of this right form the start and I have no issues. I love my partner and her (our) daughter to the moon and back. The child's father is still in her life, but lives around 400 miles away so around 2-4 times a year he comes up with his son from another woman to visit. This has been happening long before I came along. I respect and fully understand the situation. The picture my partner has painted of him, is very distasteful. But that is their business not mine.

I moved in with her around the summer time, so this as I said was all happening before me. Because she had a child and we get along great, we got onto the subject of children quick and long story short she's just over 7 months with my first, her second.

Neither of us had a job at the start of the relationship, I've bounced between a couple since then, just temp, Working 60 hours a week at the moment. So I'm barely home. We moved into our new place beginning of December.

Here's my situation. The father is up again with his son, and they have all day together as a family whilst I'm at work. But I've been pushed to the side, not even my dinner on a plate when I get home - there was no room in the cooker. Basically all I want to do is avoid the father and get on with my life. I have no interest in bonding with him, but my partner wants me to and is upset I feel this way, and that I avoid them all basically whilst their here.

I understand this may seem childish, that's fine, I have problems with anxiety and insecurities so that probably doesn't help. But I have being like this because I can see how upset my partner is, but at the same time I just don't want anything to do with them.

I hate the whole situation but at the same time, I completely understand it's for the little one and respect whats going on and I don't want to hurt my partner obviously.

Should I just man/mature up and deal with it, be the bigger person, and am I being silly and childish with my views on the situation. I'm just not sure how to act to be honest.

Thanks very much for reading
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Old 12-20-2015, 12:59 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,292 posts, read 47,238,084 times
Reputation: 47267
Quote:
Originally Posted by JonShepherd View Post

Should I just man/mature up and deal with it, be the bigger person, and am I being silly and childish with my views on the situation.
Yes.
You should man/mature up and deal with it, be the bigger person.

Yes.
You are being silly and childish.
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Old 12-20-2015, 12:59 PM
 
10,196 posts, read 9,822,865 times
Reputation: 24134
In an ideal world, you would get along with the ex if there is a child involved. Asking you to spend the day with the ex is too much to ask.

Usually just the child goes and has time with the parent. The other parent doesn't go. How old is the child? Why do they do it this way?
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:04 PM
 
8,781 posts, read 9,409,911 times
Reputation: 9547
Dealing with the other parent is something you are GOING to have to deal with as a step parent.
You're going to have to suck it up and learn how to treat these situations and be considerate of all involved, you cannot just ignore them unless you yourself wants to be ignored as well.

If it's something that you feel you cannot bring yourself to do, you may have to consider that this type of realtionship arrangement may not be a good one for you to be getting involved with.

This isn't just about you and it never will be.

Last edited by rego00123; 12-20-2015 at 01:24 PM..
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:08 PM
 
10,196 posts, read 9,822,865 times
Reputation: 24134
Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123 View Post
It's something you are GOING to have to deal with as a step parent.
You're going to have to suck it up and learn how to treat these situations and be considerate of all involved.

If it's something that you feel you cannot bring yourself to do, you may have to consider that this type of realtionship arrangement may not be a good one for you to be getting involved with.

This isn't just about you.
But it sounds like he is polite, but doesn't want to bond with or spend the day with the ex. Maybe I am reading it wrong? No, being polite is the only reasonable thing to ask. Being besties with the ex is fine, if the op wants to. But is not required.

I did read in some jealousy. Comments about being cast aside. I won't lie, if my husband spent the day with the ex and kids, I would feel a little uncomfortable too. They are off playing big happy family and ... Yeah, be honest with yourself about that.

Not that he should stop her or throw a fit or anything like that. But, his feelings are understandable.
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:09 PM
 
649 posts, read 566,800 times
Reputation: 1847
You don't have to be best friends with the guy but it would make things easier for everyone if you could make an effort to get a long with him. I think it's actually great that your girlfriend and her ex are able to put aside their differences to do what's best for their daughter.

It's only a few times a year so it shouldn't be that difficult for you to play nice. You sound very insecure and needy. Come on, make your own dinner!
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:11 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,292 posts, read 47,238,084 times
Reputation: 47267
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
But it sounds like he is polite, but doesn't want to bond with or spend the day with the ex. Maybe I am reading it wrong? .
He is not being asked to spend the day with the guy... he is at work for most of the biodad's visit.
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:14 PM
 
10,196 posts, read 9,822,865 times
Reputation: 24134
Anyone responding actually ever been a step parent? I have. For 16 years now. It is not comfortable to be around your partner, ex and kids. You are the odd third wheel. You got to hear how the ex did wrong to the person you love, and you have feelings about that.

I mean, it's all part of the life of a step parent. But I'd never volunteer to spend the day with my husbands ex. If they even had a conversation about the kids, I excused myself. And I parented the boys more then both of they did put together.

I never bonded with my husbands ex. I mean she was cray cray and hated me. But even if she was normal, I didn't want much to do with her
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:15 PM
 
10,196 posts, read 9,822,865 times
Reputation: 24134
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
He is not being asked to spend the day with the guy... he is at work for most of the biodad's visit.
I'm confused then....she wants him to bond with the guy. What does that mean unless she wants him to spend time with him beyond answering the door and calling jr down to go out with dad?
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Old 12-20-2015, 01:17 PM
 
8,781 posts, read 9,409,911 times
Reputation: 9547
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
But it sounds like he is polite, but doesn't want to bond with or spend the day with the ex. Maybe I am reading it wrong? No, being polite is the only reasonable thing to ask. Being besties with the ex is fine, if the op wants to. But is not required.

I did read in some jealousy. Comments about being cast aside. I won't lie, if my husband spent the day with the ex and kids, I would feel a little uncomfortable too. They are off playing big happy family and ... Yeah, be honest with yourself about that.

Not that he should stop her or throw a fit or anything like that. But, his feelings are understandable.
He is avoiding any form of bonding or getting to know the father. He wants to avoid the situation altogether.

But, he wants to feel apart of it when it bothers him and he feels rejected.

He is doing it to himself by placing himself in a situation where he is going to be ignored becuase that's what he wants.

You can't have it both ways.

His own actions in avoiding the responsibility of getting to know the other parent and forming some kind of realtionship are what will kill and cause all the issues he may have dealing with a step family situation for himself.

You do not have to become best friends or hang out together by yourselves on your own accord, but removing yourself entirely from anything to do with the other parent and then complaining you feel left out....

You did it to yourself by avoiding everything to do with it.

Last edited by rego00123; 12-20-2015 at 01:32 PM..
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