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OLD is absolutely atrocious for a lot of men. It's not terrible advice, but it's probably not as good as you think it is.
^THIS. I've been doing online dating for 6 years. I met 2 girlfriends that way. BUT where i live now, it is impossible. I'm meeting women in Texas and trying the distance thing, which isn't easy, but my best option. Heck, I'm even on "Hinge" in Atlanta from when I visited there. I keep getting matched to all these women, but afraid to tell them I no longer live there, at least for now.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,718,665 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
My question also. Yes, finding someone and forming an intimate relationship can be difficult. But making friends? Not so difficult, no matter where you live. I moved to a notoriously unfriendly French-speaking country when I was older than OP and still managed to make new friends within weeks, even with the language barrier. I was never alone on the major holidays.
What is holding you back from even having friends?
OP said OKC was a very cliquish place. I can understand that with my experience in Louisville. It is nearly impossible to make friends in someone where lifelong cliques reign especially when you aren't the most social person to begin with. You can do churches or clubs but eventually the cliques form up and exclude outsiders. That is why I'm in the side of OP returning to Atlanta IN CONJUNCTION to fixing his other problems in this arena.
I have to disagree with you here, SD. Not everyone fits in everywhere. As a blue-state, east coast, urban liberal, I'd probably slit my wrists if I had to live in a place like Oklahoma City. I didn't even like Long Island, and I grew up there. Unless you're into cars, the beach, having babies, or babysitting grandchildren, there is not a whole lot to do there. That's why a lot of young people hightail it out of there, and those who go away to college often don't go back. My friend and I were talking about this the other night. She said she liked that the men there can fix things, work on cars, work on their houses, etc. and complained that the guys in D.C. don't even own power tools. I'm the opposite. I'd rather hang out with the guys who own a good set of high-end cookware and actually know how to use it because they picked up some tips on their travels around the world, instead of just expecting me to cook because I'm a woman and Italian-American.
Amen! In fact, I'm trying to learn how to cook better now. Thats my 2016 goal. I don't fit in here at all. The culture is so closed to outsiders and its all about family and church. I mean, I'd love to have a family, and if I did, it might be slightly better. But the mentality here overall I just can't relate to. I will be gone in 2016 or die trying.
I hate to get all preachy on you, but I am old and I know what I'm talking about. If you are feeling empty, it's not that you need to get more, it is that you need to give more.
Give, and you will feel happier. It does not matter where you live, you make your own happiness, and you carry it with you, or not, wherever you live.
Visit a nursing home, walk dogs at the animal shelter, work at a food pantry, be a Big Brother. Find a way to be needed.
I have done this, actually. I was a Big Brother after my divorce. I volunteer for an animal charity now. I'm looking for something else to do too. I don't just sit at home all the time as people have suggested. I get out there. You can't understand it unless you've lived here. Even people who have lived here their whole lives understand my plight.
I do have friends, but all are married and I feel like a third wheel. I still hang out with them though. Its taken a long time to find friends because I had to find ones who were open to making friends, as crazy as that sounds. I have a handful of what I would consider very good friends here now. Its just not enough for me though due o the overall culture in general.
That made me both smile and laugh out loud. Thank you. It has to do with where I live and my age. I'm older than I look. People in Oklahoma get married by 25 and have kids. Yeah, the divorce rate is high, but I don't want a woman with 3 kids. The culture here is so different than what I'm used to. Part of it is also me being a shy introvert. I've worked hard to overcome it. The bottom line is, there's a severe lack of opportunities here to meet single women. The single ones are under the age of 25 and I'm in my mid 40's now. Its a real problem I never had before moving here, aside from the time it took me to recover from my divorce. Even then, I was getting dates in Atlanta. Also, I am not fat. In shape, actually. 6'0", 190 pounds.
bro i'm finding at 34 years old it's very difficult to find a woman that has not been married at some point and/or that doesn't have children. I find my location also to be a potential barrier, but I'm getting out there more.
For example I did and performed at an open mic night last Wednesday and plan on doing that on a more routine basis. I got a chance to talk to a very attractive younger lady working there as a server after her shift. I didn't score any huge points such as a phone number or anything but I figure I'll see her again.
OLD is absolute crap. I don't recommend it for any man really. I've 100 times had better experiences meeting people in person. Absolute pathetic experience dating online.
OP said OKC was a very cliquish place. I can understand that with my experience in Louisville. It is nearly impossible to make friends in someone where lifelong cliques reign especially when you aren't the most social person to begin with. You can do churches or clubs but eventually the cliques form up and exclude outsiders. That is why I'm in the side of OP returning to Atlanta IN CONJUNCTION to fixing his other problems in this arena.
Exactly. Also, I'm not as "screwed up" as some people on here think. I tend to make a good first impression, though can be rather quiet. I'm working on my small talk skills. I've done a lot of work on myself over the years and it has paid off. I was recently told by a woman I'm talking to in Texas that I was "emotionally intelligent" and how refreshing it was, if that tells you anything.
Its just a shame I live in a place now where I can't put it into as much action as I would like. If people here met me IRL I think they'd be shocked at how personable and likable I come across. Many of the issues of my past are in the past. I'm not perfect, but so much better than I was a few years ago and really a new man in many ways. I just had a weak moment yesterday with the original post because I'm tired of being alone. Thats it.
bro i'm finding at 34 years old it's very difficult to find a woman that has not been married at some point and/or that doesn't have children. I find my location also to be a potential barrier, but I'm getting out there more.
From what I understand, your location is potential barrier. It is a small town of something like less than 50,000 or 100,000 people. Oklahoma City's population base would probably be a major step up for you. No one would really fault you for leaving a small-ish town.
I have done this, actually. I was a Big Brother after my divorce. I volunteer for an animal charity now. I'm looking for something else to do too. I don't just sit at home all the time as people have suggested. I get out there. You can't understand it unless you've lived here. Even people who have lived here their whole lives understand my plight.
I do have friends, but all are married and I feel like a third wheel. I still hang out with them though. Its taken a long time to find friends because I had to find ones who were open to making friends, as crazy as that sounds. I have a handful of what I would consider very good friends here now. Its just not enough for me though due o the overall culture in general.
I do understand that, because I have started over in new places 4 times in my life, and the place I live now is the hardest, because I don't have children in school. I am retired here with no extended family. At least OP has a job with people around. I know I could join a church for the social outlet if I chose to. I have joined a service club and have met a few other women that way.
It is harder some places than others, but I know that I am only held back by my own choices.
OP, if I were you I would continue to pursue a relationship online, with a high quality, selective, website. Then, I would do everything I could to make myself happy, and fulfilled, without a partner. When one comes along, you will be in good shape to give more than desperation to the relationship.
I recommended a book to you, some time ago and I think you read it. It's the one that really helped me out with confidence and approaching women in general, surprised it didn't seem to do that for you. If I were in your shoes, I'd get out of OKC and move to Atlanta or another city, Ny, chicago, San Francisco etc etc. If as you say you are doing something about that, than you should be content with where you're at.
But to be honest, your posts still come through with alot of negativity, and that's not a sign of someone who.is content in their life. Location and dating opportunities aside, make sure you have a proper frame of mind.
Exactly. Also, I'm not as "screwed up" as some people on here think. I tend to make a good first impression, though can be rather quiet. I'm working on my small talk skills. I've done a lot of work on myself over the years and it has paid off. I was recently told by a woman I'm talking to in Texas that I was "emotionally intelligent" and how refreshing it was, if that tells you anything.
Its just a shame I live in a place now where I can't put it into as much action as I would like. If people here met me IRL I think they'd be shocked at how personable and likable I come across. Many of the issues of my past are in the past. I'm not perfect, but so much better than I was a few years ago and really a new man in many ways. I just had a weak moment yesterday with the original post because I'm tired of being alone. Thats it.
OP I don't see any of your post coming off as negative. But I do see quite a few post from others as being highly negative. Don't let their sourness rub off on you. You're just stating the facts and living in the middle of nowhere has no opportunities for a single man. You're not screwed up at all and don't believe for one second these other people saying you've got issues. You don't have any issues, you seem perfectly normal to me from what I've read.
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