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Asking me? No. I was using Bing to search and found this relationship forum. Registered and thought to get input from others. Perhaps others had gone or are going through something similar, and maybe they can lend some advice on how they are progressing through things.
I am at my wits end here. I know she's depressed, and I want to try to help and be supportive the best I can. I know marriage is for good and bad, for sicker and poorer, but I feel I cannot do anything right here. I do not want a divorce, however, I see this coming down the tube. I just do not understand her rationale on blaming me for everything.
She's depressed and she can't cope so she's taking it out on the person closest to her. Hopefully you won't take anything she says to heart. They're just words. Suggest she see a doctor for her depression. You certainly don't want to bring a child into the world in her current mental state.
If things are this bad before having a baby, imagine how bad things will be with her after. Taking what you say at face value, she is too unstable emotionally to be a wife and mother. Give it up. I think both of you will be better off going your separate ways, starting over. Mostly for you.
I am trying to hang in here. She's very independent and doesn't like to be told what she should do; even if she asks what she should do. I've recommended her looking for a new job, but she doesn't want to "give in" and "let them win". We're seeing a counselor, and the counselor suggests that he see her one on one, as the issues are in her head that need to be resolved. Once we get past the depression issue and she's all squared away (hopefully), then I would then come back into couples counseling. I know there are ups and downs with any relationship. And yes, she was there for me in my darkest times. So, I am trying to hold on. It's just very hard when the person you love, and claims that she loves you blames you for ruining her life's dream. She's an attractive smart woman, yet she keeps on telling me there is no where for me to go. No one would want me. I hope that is just the depression, and not her true feelings. That's she's just with me because she believes no one would want her. One, that is not true. Two, she has a lot to offer. I keep on telling myself this is not her, this is her depression. It's just taken over her life right now, it will get better.
I cannot really get her pregnant, as we've stopped intercourse a few months ago. If you add to the fact that it's been like pulling teeth to even have intercourse with her for the last 1.5 years, it would seem a tad bit hard to get pregnant. She also is very afraid of IVF, so she's been putting that off as well. Then, of course, blaming me for putting her in this position. Unless she believes in divine intervention for normal people, I cannot see her becoming pregnant anytime soon. Which, of course, is my fault.Not sure what else I can do. I cannot force her to procreate. So, what else am I supposed to do? When this is brought up in sessions with the counselor, she then says, either she's not interested, and she knows it's her. Or, now, you want to try. Sometimes I get credit for asking for the last 1.5 years, but sometimes I do not. It's a toss up.
It's just a tough situation to be stuck in.
I don't know you, but I have said all the things you are saying. You are looking for permission to leave because you think it would make you a bad person if you do.
Leave. Now. It won't get better and I'm sorry about that.
A lot of women dream of being a mother. Sometimes life gets in the way of you being a mother too. A lot of women take for granted that it's truly a blessing to conceive a child and have a healthy child. It's easy to take for granted too, since so many children have healthy babies around us.
She has a lot on her plate. Likely the reality for her is that she'll not get to become the mother (naturally) that she's always wanted to be. That will make almost anyone crazy for a little bit. What would worry me more is the conception part. That seems like something that makes up a lot of your wife's identity. There's obviously life after not being able to conceive, but a lot of women hold a candle for conceiving their own child.
My best friend and his wife's relationship improved tremendously when she was able to get pregnant by him. They each had a child from a previous relationship, yet it helped solidify their marriage even more by having a child together. The arguments, the frustration, and everything else has fell to a dull roar over the last year or so.
I understand her frustration to some extent. However, I did not put her in this position. I've also tried to remedy this issue by offering support IVF or other treatments. I believe in the whole thing of marriage, better or worse. I am Christian, and it would not be right, as a Christian, or as a married man to leave their wife in their time of need. It is very hard, at least for me, to leave the woman I love. Optimally, I would like the relationship to repair. However, I believe she had her own demons that she must realize and take control. I am hoping the counselor will help bring her out of her depression so we can work on making our relationship stronger. We would need that first before I would consider moving forward with a child. Which, unfortunately, works against her ultimate dream of being a mother. She's a logical person, so I do not understand why she does the opposite to help achieve this goal. In another statement, in the morning she says to me, we have a good friendship, just our relationship is not good. Then, in the evening, she says, no one is going anywhere. All will be okay. Then, the next day, if you do not like the situation, find someone else. I am just confused here... I know I don't deserve this. I just keep on telling myself that it's the depression and anxiety talking, not her.
Hey all. Here's our story. I am 39, and my wife is 40. We met in 2010, married in 2013. We've had some ups and downs, however, this one is a tough one. She's a PA (Physician's Assistant), and I and a graphics designer. Everything between us started out great. However, in 2013, a few weeks before our wedding, my Dad died abruptly after being admitted to the ER. She was tremendously helpful through this whole ordeal. This threw my family into a tailspin. I have a younger sister in college, and my mother was a wreck. With my now wife's full support, I tended to settling my father's affairs. This took about a year. It was a rough one, however, it was finally finished in about a year. I also suffer from a few medical issues. I was in accident where two drivers lost control of their automobiles, and one flew onto the sidewalk and hit a pole. The problem was, I was right near the pole. I was knocked unconscious and have had issues ever since. I also suffer from chronic migraines, chronic kidney stones and have a few herniated discs, some fused. Yes, this was also disclosed to my now wife from the beginning. I had a bad flareup when we started dating, and said if it was too much for her, I would understand if she left. She was very supportive and stayed. Anyway, fast forward back to 2013/2014. Possibly due to stress or just bad luck/timing, I had flareups like crazy. Migraines daily, couldn't move due to the herniated discs, and 4 major kidney attacks which required me to stay overnight at the hospital. This made trying for a baby a bit hard. We agreed from the start for a child, I was in full support. I went through a few doctors, and the last one really helped a lot. Changed my life around. So, Fall 2014, we started to try for kid. After a few months, she wasn't getting pregnant. She was upset. I said, it can take awhile and we need to try more than once a week and just around your cycle. She disagreed. Since then, I've tried every single time around her cycle for intercourse so we can try for our baby. No luck. Sex stopped completely in July 2015, she's very upset. She said she didn't want to each and every time. Then she had a new boss in mid 2015 who's made her life a living hell. I try to be supportive, and she turns into this woman that I never met before. She says she has nothing to live for. Her life sucks. "She doesn't know her life turned out like this. Oh, and it's YOUR FAULT I do not have a child. You had to take care of you family and had all the medical problems during my perfect time to get pregnant age's (38-39). I should had just left and taken care of myself." Then she said, you probably never wanted kids. You should had just told me! I said, what are you talking about. She then said, how convenient that your Dad died, then you had the medical issues happen. I was like huh? I was in the ER and then held over night on 4 different occasions. The docs would let me leave. It would had been against medical advice. What did you want me to do? She said I do not know. I said let's go through IVF. Yes, because of you, I now have to take drugs and get stuck with needles in me. I do not see how it is my fault. I could not had controlled this at all. She then said, screaming, doesn't matter. I cannot get anything in my life right.
I am at my wits end here. I know she's depressed, and I want to try to help and be supportive the best I can. I know marriage is for good and bad, for sicker and poorer, but I feel I cannot do anything right here. I do not want a divorce, however, I see this coming down the tube. I just do not understand her rationale on blaming me for everything.
I would tell her to go to counseling with you. If things do not improve in 1 year you need to file for divorce. Life is short, no need to make it miserable.
She does have a lot of stress.... trouble getting pregnant, you and you recent families' medical problems, and her control freak boss. That could be the problem.
However, I wonder if there is more to it. It sounds to me like her love level is either down, or she's fallen out of love completely.
Usually when a woman's love level drops, it's because the man was negligent in one of these four areas: romance, affection, trust, or respect. Can you think of any of those areas you might have neglected her before or around this "change" in her? maybe the year you were settling up your father's affairs? I assume everything was rosy in the beginning.
Yep. That is what I am unfortunately having to realize. However, I do not think the relationship would last that long in it's current state. Possibly a few more months at best.
No doubt, I know I know she is going through a lot of stress, and I am trying to support her through this. She started to change where her new boss took over. Her friends and family noticed a change a couple months later. I noticed it near immediately. Then all of her friends and colleagues at work are either pregnant or already have kids. All they talk about (according to her) is their kids or pregnancy. Romance. I've tried to take her away on vacation twice over the Spring and Summer. I covered the lodging bill, fuel and tolls, we shared the expenses for dinner. I've taken her to nice restaurants, and shows/theatre, which she enjoyed immensely. She wasn't interested in any romance during any time. Affection, I try to get roses and send small little gifts as a surprise at work for her. She takes it home instead. Try to cuddle and just hug and/or kiss, it's like pulling teeth to get a kiss or cuddle. Trust, from her own words, she trusts no one aside from her parents. I asked why don't you trust me. Her response is, I do not trust anyone. Have I ever lied to you, no. So why don't you trust me. I don't trust anyone, period. Okay... Respect, I treat her and respect her the same way I respect and treat other people in our family (hers and mine). I have a very good relationship with her parents. So, I do not believe that is it. I could be wrong of course. She says now, I have nothing going in life. Her work life is bad. She has no family of her own. And her marriage is hanging on to a string. She's said several times, she's just not cut out for marriage.
I think she saw her clock ticking, and I was Mr. Good Enough to father her child or children. Then life happened and messed up her plans. So, naturally, it's my fault. She cannot get over that issue. So, instead of working with me on this issue, for the last 1.5 years, she's been reluctant, distant and basically cold towards me. Which, again, works against her goal of becoming pregnant. The only thing she continues to say is my numbers were perfect. I would had gotten pregnant if we tried from 38 - 40. I am not over 40 and have to do this IVF because of you, and I resent you for putting me in this position. Keep in mind, we did try several times when she was 38 and 39, but she didn't get pregnant, so then, it's my fault for stalling and delaying. Because all people who stall and delay go to ERs and have the power to cause family members to pass on. So, she has an answer to everything, where it's her bad decisions, and my fault for stalling and delaying. Which, makes not one bit of logical sense.
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