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Hey all. Here's our story. I am 39, and my wife is 40. We met in 2010, married in 2013. We've had some ups and downs, however, this one is a tough one. She's a PA (Physician's Assistant), and I and a graphics designer. Everything between us started out great. However, in 2013, a few weeks before our wedding, my Dad died abruptly after being admitted to the ER. She was tremendously helpful through this whole ordeal. This threw my family into a tailspin. I have a younger sister in college, and my mother was a wreck. With my now wife's full support, I tended to settling my father's affairs. This took about a year. It was a rough one, however, it was finally finished in about a year. I also suffer from a few medical issues. I was in accident where two drivers lost control of their automobiles, and one flew onto the sidewalk and hit a pole. The problem was, I was right near the pole. I was knocked unconscious and have had issues ever since. I also suffer from chronic migraines, chronic kidney stones and have a few herniated discs, some fused. Yes, this was also disclosed to my now wife from the beginning. I had a bad flareup when we started dating, and said if it was too much for her, I would understand if she left. She was very supportive and stayed. Anyway, fast forward back to 2013/2014. Possibly due to stress or just bad luck/timing, I had flareups like crazy. Migraines daily, couldn't move due to the herniated discs, and 4 major kidney attacks which required me to stay overnight at the hospital. This made trying for a baby a bit hard. We agreed from the start for a child, I was in full support. I went through a few doctors, and the last one really helped a lot. Changed my life around. So, Fall 2014, we started to try for kid. After a few months, she wasn't getting pregnant. She was upset. I said, it can take awhile and we need to try more than once a week and just around your cycle. She disagreed. Since then, I've tried every single time around her cycle for intercourse so we can try for our baby. No luck. Sex stopped completely in July 2015, she's very upset. She said she didn't want to each and every time. Then she had a new boss in mid 2015 who's made her life a living hell. I try to be supportive, and she turns into this woman that I never met before. She says she has nothing to live for. Her life sucks. "She doesn't know her life turned out like this. Oh, and it's YOUR FAULT I do not have a child. You had to take care of you family and had all the medical problems during my perfect time to get pregnant age's (38-39). I should had just left and taken care of myself." Then she said, you probably never wanted kids. You should had just told me! I said, what are you talking about. She then said, how convenient that your Dad died, then you had the medical issues happen. I was like huh? I was in the ER and then held over night on 4 different occasions. The docs would let me leave. It would had been against medical advice. What did you want me to do? She said I do not know. I said let's go through IVF. Yes, because of you, I now have to take drugs and get stuck with needles in me. I do not see how it is my fault. I could not had controlled this at all. She then said, screaming, doesn't matter. I cannot get anything in my life right.
I am at my wits end here. I know she's depressed, and I want to try to help and be supportive the best I can. I know marriage is for good and bad, for sicker and poorer, but I feel I cannot do anything right here. I do not want a divorce, however, I see this coming down the tube. I just do not understand her rationale on blaming me for everything.
Your wife makes a lot of money and you're a graphic designer. Since her profession is in high demand, she needs to find a new employer. Then be super sweet and knock her up. Once you get a baby, you should be the stay at home dad. You'll qualify for alimony if things don't work out.
She's having a tough time with everything now. Be there and support her through it. Life comes in waves of ups and downs. Marriage is supposed to be a stronghold to get through the downs and embrace the ups.
Don't throw in the towel. Talk to her if you care about her. You had a lot of crazy stuff going on and i'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes things take some time so being patient is best.
Don't take the blame of everything being your fault personally. You and she deep down knows that's not true, but she's expressing this because she's having trouble with it. Have big shoulders and realize this.
Hey all. Here's our story. I am 39, and my wife is 40. We met in 2010, married in 2013. We've had some ups and downs, however, this one is a tough one. She's a PA (Physician's Assistant), and I and a graphics designer. Everything between us started out great. However, in 2013, a few weeks before our wedding, my Dad died abruptly after being admitted to the ER. She was tremendously helpful through this whole ordeal. This threw my family into a tailspin. I have a younger sister in college, and my mother was a wreck. With my now wife's full support, I tended to settling my father's affairs. This took about a year. It was a rough one, however, it was finally finished in about a year. I also suffer from a few medical issues. I was in accident where two drivers lost control of their automobiles, and one flew onto the sidewalk and hit a pole. The problem was, I was right near the pole. I was knocked unconscious and have had issues ever since. I also suffer from chronic migraines, chronic kidney stones and have a few herniated discs, some fused. Yes, this was also disclosed to my now wife from the beginning. I had a bad flareup when we started dating, and said if it was too much for her, I would understand if she left. She was very supportive and stayed. Anyway, fast forward back to 2013/2014. Possibly due to stress or just bad luck/timing, I had flareups like crazy. Migraines daily, couldn't move due to the herniated discs, and 4 major kidney attacks which required me to stay overnight at the hospital. This made trying for a baby a bit hard. We agreed from the start for a child, I was in full support. I went through a few doctors, and the last one really helped a lot. Changed my life around. So, Fall 2014, we started to try for kid. After a few months, she wasn't getting pregnant. She was upset. I said, it can take awhile and we need to try more than once a week and just around your cycle. She disagreed. Since then, I've tried every single time around her cycle for intercourse so we can try for our baby. No luck. Sex stopped completely in July 2015, she's very upset. She said she didn't want to each and every time. Then she had a new boss in mid 2015 who's made her life a living hell. I try to be supportive, and she turns into this woman that I never met before. She says she has nothing to live for. Her life sucks. "She doesn't know her life turned out like this. Oh, and it's YOUR FAULT I do not have a child. You had to take care of you family and had all the medical problems during my perfect time to get pregnant age's (38-39). I should had just left and taken care of myself." Then she said, you probably never wanted kids. You should had just told me! I said, what are you talking about. She then said, how convenient that your Dad died, then you had the medical issues happen. I was like huh? I was in the ER and then held over night on 4 different occasions. The docs would let me leave. It would had been against medical advice. What did you want me to do? She said I do not know. I said let's go through IVF. Yes, because of you, I now have to take drugs and get stuck with needles in me. I do not see how it is my fault. I could not had controlled this at all. She then said, screaming, doesn't matter. I cannot get anything in my life right.
I am at my wits end here. I know she's depressed, and I want to try to help and be supportive the best I can. I know marriage is for good and bad, for sicker and poorer, but I feel I cannot do anything right here. I do not want a divorce, however, I see this coming down the tube. I just do not understand her rationale on blaming me for everything.
LOL 38-39 is definitely not the perfect age to get pregnant (try 28-29). She should know better, being that she is a PA.
In any event, this is her fault for waiting too long, not yours.
Wow. This is not a marriage in distress, this is a wife feeling comfortable enough to finally let her hair down and allow you to get inside her heart and mind. These are the many things she is thinking and feeling; she is letting the OP in to see her distress and concerns. There is a lot of blame that she suggests is her own and her husbands - a truly inaccurate attribution - and an unwinding of pent-up pain.
Both of you would do well to see a counselor. She is still passionate with her husband, but in an angry way. If this relationship was over, one or both parties would be emotionally dead. With all the stressors, neither of you can get what is needed to become pregnant. IVF is a good place to go, but I would head to the counselor first. The relationship needs to run right before you bring a baby between the two of you. While things are not optimal, things are also not down the drain. See a professional and help each other heal.
I am trying to hang in here. She's very independent and doesn't like to be told what she should do; even if she asks what she should do. I've recommended her looking for a new job, but she doesn't want to "give in" and "let them win". We're seeing a counselor, and the counselor suggests that he see her one on one, as the issues are in her head that need to be resolved. Once we get past the depression issue and she's all squared away (hopefully), then I would then come back into couples counseling. I know there are ups and downs with any relationship. And yes, she was there for me in my darkest times. So, I am trying to hold on. It's just very hard when the person you love, and claims that she loves you blames you for ruining her life's dream. She's an attractive smart woman, yet she keeps on telling me there is no where for me to go. No one would want me. I hope that is just the depression, and not her true feelings. That's she's just with me because she believes no one would want her. One, that is not true. Two, she has a lot to offer. I keep on telling myself this is not her, this is her depression. It's just taken over her life right now, it will get better.
I cannot really get her pregnant, as we've stopped intercourse a few months ago. If you add to the fact that it's been like pulling teeth to even have intercourse with her for the last 1.5 years, it would seem a tad bit hard to get pregnant. She also is very afraid of IVF, so she's been putting that off as well. Then, of course, blaming me for putting her in this position. Unless she believes in divine intervention for normal people, I cannot see her becoming pregnant anytime soon. Which, of course, is my fault. Not sure what else I can do. I cannot force her to procreate. So, what else am I supposed to do? When this is brought up in sessions with the counselor, she then says, either she's not interested, and she knows it's her. Or, now, you want to try. Sometimes I get credit for asking for the last 1.5 years, but sometimes I do not. It's a toss up.
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