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I've been with my partner for 4 years. He comes from a well off family, his father works in finance and his mother died when he was 5. His father raised him to be a money making machine...he was very strict and impossibly demanding when it came to academic achievement.
However, his good character and attitude attracted me. He's very respectful and always tries to help others. He's very good looking too.
Still, he never lets his guard down, not even with me. He never makes a nice compliment or has a gesture of affection towards me. It's unthinkable for me to kiss him in public and he won't even hold hands.
I feel like I give all of myself to him but he never really allows himself to be...himself.
Well, apart from all this, I'm 4 months pregnant. The baby was not planned but he was over the moon when I told him. I had never seen him so happy. The thing is, his behaviour is basically the same...rather distant and aloof. And I feel fragile, hormonal and emotional during this time. I would appreciate if he was more caring and tender.
We foud out last week that it's a little boy and you should have seen the broad smile on his face. I don't doubt his love for me or the baby but I don't think he realises the changes that come with pregnancy.
Am I overracting?
He never had a Mother hold him, comfort him and other nurturing things you get from the Mother.
Cut the guy some slack. Communicate your feeling too.
If there is any consolation in this - pretty soon you will be a mother, and your child will be the source of your affection and give you a lot of affection in return. You won't need him for that.
Still, he never lets his guard down, not even with me. He never makes a nice compliment or has a gesture of affection towards me. It's unthinkable for me to kiss him in public and he won't even hold hands.
His mother died when he was 5. He has abandonment issues that apparently stunted his emotional growth. He is an emotionally unavailable man. Nothing will change. He will continue to be emotionally distant and aloof even after the baby comes.
Oh, what was your question? Are you overreacting? Nah. It's probably just the pregnancy hormones.
I would look at his relationship with his father as a peek at what's in store for you three.
His relationship with his father is very distant. Not that they don't get along but they seem more like business partners than father and son.
I certainly hope he'll be different with our boy. He's very happy with the baby, texts me during the day asking how I'm feeling and don't I dare carry weights
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alessandraa
I certainly hope he'll be different with our boy. He's very happy with the baby, texts me during the day asking how I'm feeling and don't I dare carry weights
He very well may not be. He's been trained to be how he is. He very well may believe how his father is to him is proper modeling.
If there is any consolation in this - pretty soon you will be a mother, and your child will be the source of your affection and give you a lot of affection in return. You won't need him for that.
He never had a Mother hold him, comfort him and other nurturing things you get from the Mother.
Cut the guy some slack. Communicate your feeling too.
Yes, I know that not having his mother around must have left a hole in him. I'm not judging him, it must have been terrible to lose your major source of love and comfort when you're 5.
Tell him how you feel. Just don't be surprised if nothing changes. Even if he does comply with your request and touch your belly, it may very well feel "off" to you because he's doing it just because you asked him to. Affection comes from empathy and empathy really can't be faked. Probably not what you want to hear, but kids learn empathy right around the time his mother died, and it sounds like his father may have been a bit of a narcissist if he really pressured your SO to be what he, himself, is. There's really not much that can be done about that. If someone doesn't learn empathy by about age 6, they can't be taught to feel it. They can go through the motions, but it's going to be very hollow.
If there is any consolation in this - pretty soon you will be a mother, and your child will be the source of your affection and give you a lot of affection in return. You won't need him for that.
I'm sure there's no words for the affection you get from your child...still, it's a completely different thing.
I'm sure there's no words for the affection you get from your child...still, it's a completely different thing.
Correct, it is very different from the affection you are to get from a partner. Not a substitute.
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The baby was not planned but he was over the moon when I told him. I had never seen him so happy. The thing is, his behaviour is basically the same...rather distant and aloof. And I feel fragile, hormonal and emotional during this time. I would appreciate if he was more caring and tender.
