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Don't get me wrong, physical chemistry is an amazing & necessary component to any budding romance, but it's definitely worth cultivating the intellectual side beforehand.. Otherwise, after the fact, you just end up back-tracking. And that's where we often become disillusioned in the aftermath... * Know what you want as well as what you're getting into *
This is a really great post!
Part of a new relationship is building sexual tension, not getting sex out of the way, as if it were something insignificant.
Here's a scenario, and not a very far-fetched one:
You meet someone, a friend of a friend, at a party. She looks amazing. The alcohol-fueled conversation is incredible. After getting all the buying signals from her, the two of you leave and spend the night at your apartment, having mind-blowing, ear-splitting, break-the-bed sex, the kind that makes the neighbor's dog howl, the kind that makes the very angels weep in envy at the moment's beauty.
Then at breakfast the next morning, you get to talking. Not that conversation you have when coaxing someone into bed, but real conversation between two people getting to know one another. You start learning about her beliefs. Her attitudes. You start to uncover a really unsavory neurosis or two. Her godawful credit history and the fact that she can't hang onto a job. Her nutjob ex-boyfriend who stalks her. Her co-dependency. You name it.
Suddenly, over the French toast and coffee, the glow of good sex dissipates in midair and a dim realization forms in the back of your mind: This woman isn't the end-all, be-all sex goddess you banged the night before. This is a person with some serious flaws. She's a basket case and you've now been pulled into the vortex of her personal drama. Because very few women can walk away from sex without forming some kind of emotional bond. So, you take her back to her place, promise to call. And then don't.
So she starts to call you. Or shows up at your apartment. You tell her to go away. She complains about you to all your mutual friends. She keeps driving past your apartment late at night.
Then, two months later, you get the call. "We need to talk," is how it begins, followed by the announcement that she is carrying your child. No, she hadn't slept with anyone else during that time. It most definitely is, she says with some indignation that you'd even suggest otherwise. Later DNA tests prove that you're indeed the daddy.
Crap.
Now you can either marry her and raise a child with this whack job or just pay child support. If you marry her, you're spending years dealing with her dysfunctional family, for the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree. But if you don't marry her, she's going to punish you in family court at every single opportunity. If you're late with a payment. If you are late bringing your offspring back during visitation. And this will go on and on until your child, the one you made during that oh-so-brief roll in the hay, is walking off the stage with his or her high school diploma. And, in truth, you'll likely be on the hook for college, too.
Mind you, all this could have been avoided if you had actually shown a week's worth of restraint and taken this unfortunate soul to lunch before scorching the sheets. Or if you had asked the host of the party you met about her, only to get a serious warning or two. But, no, you just had to score that night. And you will pay for it for at least the next eighteen years.
It doesn't even need to be as serious as neuroses and pregnancy but rather you just slept with someone you now don't like, aren't attracted to, aren't compatible with in the broad light of day, oh but hey, orgasm.
It doesn't even need to be as serious as neuroses and pregnancy but rather you just slept with someone you now don't like, aren't attracted to, aren't compatible with in the broad light of day.
I know. But if that doesn't wilt your pickle, I don't know what will.
Never said he was wise. But, speaking of wisdom, let's contemplate the following:
Condoms break.
Diaphragms leak.
Even the pill can be rendered ineffective when one is taking some specific OTC medications.
Just in case you buy into the notion that birth control is 100% effective, it's nowhere close. Here's a helpful chart that will disabuse anyone of that notion: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2...cies.html?_r=0
Every single time you bump uglies with a woman of childbearing age, there's a risk of a pregnancy ensuing. Why? Because, in case you weren't awake that week in high school biology, sex is a reproductive act. And if you continuously roll the dice on such things, eventually you're going to come up snake eyes. You aren't the exception. Think about that the next time you start letting yourself be led around in life by your testicles.
There have been millions and millions of guys in this world who have walked away from their one-night stand, whistling to themselves and thinking everything was hunky dory. Only, a few months later, they got a call informing them of their upcoming fatherhood. And every single one of those idiots never thought it could happen to them.
For some it worked out. But for a lot of them, it meant being tethered to someone with whom they only had the slightest connection, namely one that lasted long enough for them to do the humpalumpadingdong for an hour or so.
So just in case you're one of those poor saps who think the rules of life don't apply to them, let me assure you that it does. Rationalize all you want, but don't be an idiot and bang some girl that you barely know. Because odds that you'll regret it are far higher than you'll ever think.
In short, there's a word for the guys of the world who sleep around indiscriminately: Daddies.
Of course there's still a "chance" a condom breaks or something else goes awry, but I don't see how you can blame her and call her dumb, yet put no blame on him. If he was wearing a condom, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation.
Of course there's still a "chance" a condom breaks or something else goes awry, but I don't see how you can blame her and call her dumb, yet put no blame on him. If he was wearing a condom, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation.
Actually, she was on the pill. But she had taken some medicine that negated its effects.
My description of her two-cent brain refers more to the wisdom -- or lack thereof -- that she displayed after getting pregnant and raising the resulting daughter. Lots and lots of really stupid mistakes.
But back to your point. On that first encounter, they are on their best behavior. You really don't know the woman at all. Extremely dumb move to have sex, no matter how hot she seems.
I think this is true. Good girls tend to go fast with guys they really like. Bad girls tend to go slow to make it special. I don't really have a dog in the fight either way, but if I were in the market I'd prefer a good girl who compromised her position on sex a bit for me because she really liked me to a girl who has hooked up with every Tom, Dick and Harry in the bar at least twice who wants to make me wait to artificially increase her value. I could go for a girl with a past in the right set of circumstances, but the minute she tried to play the "make it special" game, I'd be showing her a really special door to walk through and not return.
Sex and how quickly it happens steps from attraction, be it physical or emotional. So making me wait "to make it special" just means that the girl felt more attracted toward those other guys than toward me. That's far from flattering. It also smacks of born-again celibacy, which doesn't sit well with me, either. So I'd do the special door thing too, and if she thinks I'm a sex-crazed pervert for doing that, oh well.
It depends. Is this casual dating? Is this dating to find a LTR for marriage? Is this dating to find a FWB? How do YOU feel about sex on the first date? Is it a good idea for you?
How should we know, OP? You haven't given us any info.
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